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Honourable Editor。 〃And yet；〃 he added； with a sly smile； 〃I feel
that I ought to give you as much knowledge of my character as I
possess。 In this scrap…book is such testimony relating to my shady
side； as I have within the past ten years been able to cut from the
columns of my competitors in the business of elevating humanity to
a higher plane of mind and morals … my 'loathsome contemporaries。'〃
Laying the book on a table； he withdrew in high spirits to make
arrangements for the wedding。 Three days later he received the
scrap…book from a messenger； with a note warning him never again to
darken his Old Friend's door。
〃See！〃 the Gifted and Honourable Editor exclaimed； pointing to that
injunction … 〃I am a painter and grainer！〃
And he was led away to the Asylum for the Indiscreet。
The Faithful Cashier
THE Cashier of a bank having defaulted was asked by the Directors
what he had done with the money taken。
〃I am greatly surprised by such a question；〃 said the Cashier； 〃it
sounds as if you suspected me of selfishness。 Gentlemen； I applied
that money to the purpose for which I took it； I paid it as an
initiation fee and one year's dues in advance to the Treasurer of
the Cashiers' Mutual Defence Association。〃
〃What is the object of that organisation？〃 the Directors inquired。
〃When any one of its members is under suspicion；〃 replied the
Cashier； 〃the Association undertakes to clear his character by
submitting evidence that he was never a prominent member of any
church； nor foremost in Sunday…school work。〃
Recognising the value to the bank of a spotless reputation for its
officers； the President drew his check for the amount of the
shortage and the Cashier was restored to favour。
The Circular Clew
A DETECTIVE searching for the murderer of a dead man was accosted
by a Clew。
〃Follow me；〃 said the Clew； 〃and there's no knowing what you may
discover。〃
So the Detective followed the Clew a whole year through a thousand
sinuosities； and at last found himself in the office of the Morgue。
〃There！〃 said the Clew； pointing to the open register。
The Detective eagerly scanned the page； and found an official
statement that the deceased was dead。 Thereupon he hastened to
Police Headquarters to report progress。 The Clew； meanwhile；
sauntered among the busy haunts of men； arm in arm with an
Ingenious Theory。〃
The Devoted Widow
A WIDOW weeping on her husband's grave was approached by an
Engaging Gentleman who； in a respectful manner； assured her that he
had long entertained for her the most tender feelings。
〃Wretch！〃 cried the Widow。 〃Leave me this instant！ Is this a time
to talk to me of love？〃
〃I assure you； madam； that I had not intended to disclose my
affection；〃 the Engaging Gentleman humbly explained； 〃but the power
of your beauty has overcome my discretion。〃
〃You should see me when I have not been crying；〃 said the Widow。
The Hardy Patriots
A DISPENSER…ELECT of Patronage gave notice through the newspapers
that applicants for places would be given none until he should
assume the duties of his office。
〃You are exposing yourself to a grave danger；〃 said a Lawyer。
〃How so？〃 the Dispenser…Elect inquired。
〃It will be nearly two months；〃 the Lawyer answered； 〃before the
day that you mention。 Few patriots can live so long without
eating； and some of the applicants will be compelled to go to work
in the meantime。 If that kills them； you will be liable to
prosecution for murder。〃
〃You underrate their powers of endurance；〃 the official replied。
〃What！〃 said the Lawyer； 〃you think they can stand work？〃
〃No；〃 said the other … 〃hunger。〃
The Humble Peasant
AN Office Seeker whom the President had ordered out of Washington
was watering the homeward highway with his tears。
〃Ah；〃 he said； 〃how disastrous is ambition！ how unsatisfying its
rewards！ how terrible its disappointments！ Behold yonder peasant
tilling his field in peace and contentment！ He rises with the
lark； passes the day in wholesome toil； and lies down at night to
pleasant dreams。 In the mad struggle for place and power he has no
part； the roar of the strife reaches his ear like the distant
murmur of the ocean。 Happy； thrice happy man！ I will approach him
and bask in the sunshine of his humble felicity。 Peasant； all
hail！〃
Leaning upon his rake； the Peasant returned the salutation with a
nod； but said nothing。
〃My friend；〃 said the Office Seeker； 〃you see before you the wreck
of an ambitious man … ruined by the pursuit of place and power。
This morning when I set out from the national capital … 〃
〃Stranger；〃 the Peasant interrupted； 〃if you're going back there
soon maybe you wouldn't mind using your influence to make me
Postmaster at Smith's Corners。〃
The traveller passed on。
The Various Delegation
THE King of Wideout having been offered the sovereignty of Wayoff；
sent for the Three Persons who had made the offer； and said to
them：
〃I am extremely obliged to you； but before accepting so great a
responsibility I must ascertain the sentiments of the people of
Wayoff。〃
〃Sire；〃 said the Spokesman of the Three Persons； 〃they stand before
you。〃
〃Indeed！〃 said the King； 〃are you； then； the people of Wayoff？〃
〃Yes； your Majesty。〃
〃There are not many of you；〃 the King said； attentively regarding
them with the royal eye； 〃and you are not so very large； I hardly
think you are a quorum。 Moreover； I never heard of you until you
came here； whereas Wayoff is noted for the quality of its pork and
contains hogs of distinction。 I shall send a Commissioner to
ascertain the sentiments of the hogs。〃
The Three Persons； bowing profoundly； backed out of the presence；
but soon afterward they desired another audience； and； on being
readmitted； said； through their Spokesman：
〃May it please your Majesty； we are the hogs。〃
The No Case
A STATESMAN who had been indicted by an unfeeling Grand Jury was
arrested by a Sheriff and thrown into jail。 As this was abhorrent
to his fine spiritual nature； he sent for the District Attorney and
asked that the case against him be dismissed。
〃Upon what grounds？〃 asked the District Attorney。
〃Lack of evidence to convict；〃 replied the accused。
〃Do you happen to have the lack with you？〃 the official asked。 〃I
should like to see it。〃
〃With pleasure；〃 said the other； 〃here it is。〃
So saying he handed the other a check； which the District Attorney
carefully examined； and then pronounced it the most complete
absence of both proof and presumption that he had ever seen。 He
said it would acquit the oldest man in the world。
A Harmless Visitor
AT a meeting of the Golden League of Mystery a Woman was
discovered； writing in a note…book。 A member directed the
attention of the Superb High Chairman to her； and she was asked to
explain her presence there； and what she was doing。
〃I came in for my own pleasure and instruction；〃 she said； 〃and was
so struck by the wisdom of the speakers that I could not help
making a few notes。〃
〃Madam；〃 said the Superb High Chairman； 〃we have no objection to
visitors if they will pledge themselves not to publish anything
they hear。 Are you … on your honour as a lady； now； madam … are
you not connected with some newspaper？〃
〃Good gracious； no！〃 cried the Woman； earnestly。 〃Why； sir； I am
an officer of the Women's Press Association！〃
She was permitted to remain； and presented with resolutions of
apology。
The Judge and the Rash Act
A JUDGE who had for years looked in vain for an opportunity for
infamous distinction； but whom no litigant thought worth bribing；
sat one day upon the Bench； lamenting his hard lot； and threatening
to put an end to his life if business did not improve。 Suddenly he
found himself confronted by a dreadful figure clad in a shroud；
whose pallor and stony eyes smote him with a horrible apprehension。
〃Who are you；〃 he faltered； 〃and why do you come here？〃
〃I am the Rash Act；〃 was the sepulchral reply； 〃you may commit me。〃
〃No；〃 the judge said； thoughtfully； 〃no； that w