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feelings if I do not relate the facts that insensibly shaped my
character； made me timid； and prolonged the period of youthful
simplicity？ In this manner I cowered under as strict a despotism as a
monarch's till I came of age。 To depict the tedium of my life； it will
be perhaps enough to portray my father to you。 He was tall； thin； and
slight； with a hatchet face； and pale complexion； a man of few words；
fidgety as an old maid； exacting as a senior clerk。 His paternal
solicitude hovered over my merriment and gleeful thoughts； and seemed
to cover them with a leaden pall。 Any effusive demonstration on my
part was received by him as a childish absurdity。 I was far more
afraid of him than I had been of any of our masters at school。
〃I seem to see him before me at this moment。 In his chestnut…brown
frock…coat he looked like a red herring wrapped up in the cover of a
pamphlet； and he held himself as erect as an Easter candle。 But I was
fond of my father； and at heart he was right enough。 Perhaps we never
hate severity when it has its source in greatness of character and
pure morals； and is skilfully tempered with kindness。 My father； it is
true； never left me a moment to myself； and only when I was twenty
years old gave me so much as ten francs of my own； ten knavish
prodigals of francs； such a hoard as I had long vainly desired； which
set me a…dreaming of unutterable felicity； yet； for all that he sought
to procure relaxations for me。 When he had promised me a treat
beforehand； he would take me to Les Boufoons； or to a concert or ball；
where I hoped to find a mistress。 。 。 。 A mistress！ that meant
independence。 But bashful and timid as I was； knowing nobody； and
ignorant of the dialect of drawing…rooms； I always came back as
awkward as ever； and swelling with unsatisfied desires； to be put in
harness like a troop horse next day by my father； and to return with
morning to my advocate； the Palais de Justice； and the law。 To have
swerved from the straight course which my father had mapped out for
me； would have drawn down his wrath upon me； at my first delinquency；
he threatened to ship me off as a cabin…boy to the Antilles。 A
dreadful shiver ran through me if I had ventured to spend a couple of
hours in some pleasure party。
〃Imagine the most wandering imagination and passionate temperament；
the tenderest soul and most artistic nature； dwelling continually in
the presence of the most flint…hearted； atrabilious； and frigid man on
earth； think of me as a young girl married to a skeleton； and you will
understand the life whose curious scenes can only be a hearsay tale to
you； the plans for running away that perished at the sight of my
father； the despair soothed by slumber； the dark broodings charmed
away by music。 I breathed my sorrows forth in melodies。 Beethoven or
Mozart would keep my confidences sacred。 Nowadays； I smile at
recollections of the scruples which burdened my conscience at that
epoch of innocence and virtue。
〃If I set foot in a restaurant； I gave myself up for lost； my fancy
led me to look on a cafe as a disreputable haunt； where men lost their
characters and embarrassed their fortunes； as for engaging in play； I
had not the money to risk。 Oh； if I needed to send you to sleep； I
would tell you about one of the most frightful pleasures of my life；
one of those pleasures with fangs that bury themselves in the heart as
the branding…iron enters the convict's shoulder。 I was at a ball at
the house of the Duc de Navarreins； my father's cousin。 But to make my
position the more perfectly clear； you must know that I wore a
threadbare coat； ill…fitting shoes； a tie fit for a stableman； and a
soiled pair of gloves。 I shrank into a corner to eat ices and watch
the pretty faces at my leisure。 My father noticed me。 Actuated by some
motive that I did not fathom； so dumfounded was I by this act of
confidence； he handed me his keys and purse to keep。 Ten paces away
some men were gambling。 I heard the rattling of gold； I was twenty
years old； I longed to be steeped for one whole day in the follies of
my time of life。 It was a license of the imagination that would find a
parallel neither in the freaks of courtesans； nor in the dreams of
young girls。 For a year past I had beheld myself well dressed； in a
carriage； with a pretty woman by my side； playing the great lord；
dining at Very's； deciding not to go back home till the morrow； but
was prepared for my father with a plot more intricate than the
Marriage of Figaro； which he could not possibly have unraveled。 All
this bliss would cost； I estimated； fifty crowns。 Was it not the
artless idea of playing truant that still had charms for me？
〃I went into a small adjoining room； and when alone counted my
father's money with smarting eyes and trembling fingersa hundred
crowns！ The joys of my escapade rose before me at the thought of the
amount； joys that flitted about me like Macbeth's witches round their
caldron； joys how alluring！ how thrilling！ how delicious！ I became a
deliberate rascal。 I heeded neither my tingling ears nor the violent
beating of my heart； but took out two twenty…franc pieces that I seem
to see yet。 The dates had been erased； and Bonaparte's head simpered
upon them。 After I had put back the purse in my pocket； I returned to
the gaming…table with the two pieces of gold in the palms of my damp
hands； prowling about the players like a sparrow…hawk round a coop of
chickens。 Tormented by inexpressible terror； I flung a sudden
clairvoyant glance round me； and feeling quite sure that I was seen by
none of my acquaintance； betted on a stout； jovial little man； heaping
upon his head more prayers and vows than are put up during two or
three storms at sea。 Then； with an intuitive scoundrelism； or
Machiavelism； surprising in one of my age； I went and stood in the
door； and looked about me in the rooms； though I saw nothing； for both
mind and eyes hovered about that fateful green cloth。
〃That evening fixes the date of a first observation of a physiological
kind； to it I owe a kind of insight into certain mysteries of our
double nature that I have since been enabled to penetrate。 I had my
back turned on the table where my future felicity lay at stake； a
felicity but so much the more intense that it was criminal。 Between me
and the players stood a wall of onlookers some five feet deep； who
were chatting； the murmur of voices drowned the clinking of gold；
which mingled in the sounds sent up by this orchestra； yet； despite
all obstacles； I distinctly heard the words of the two players by a
gift accorded to the passions； which enables them to annihilate time
and space。 I saw the points they made； I knew which of the two turned
up the king as well as if I had actually seen the cards； at a distance
of ten paces； in short； the fortunes of play blanched my face。
〃My father suddenly went by； and then I knew what the Scripture meant
by 'The Spirit of God passed before his face。' I had won。 I slipped
through the crowd of men who had gathered about the players with the
quickness of an eel escaping through a broken mesh in a net。 My nerves
thrilled with joy instead of anguish。 I felt like some criminal on the
way to torture released by a chance meeting with the king。 It happened
that a man with a decoration found himself short by forty francs。
Uneasy eyes suspected me； I turned pale； and drops of perspiration
stood on my forehead； I was well punished； I thought； for having
robbed my father。 Then the kind little stout man said； in a voice like
an angel's surely； 'All these gentlemen have paid their stakes；' and
put down the forty francs himself。 I raised my head in triumph upon
the players。 After I had returned the money I had taken from it to my
father's purse； I left my winnings with that honest and worthy
gentleman； who continued to win。 As soon as I found myself possessed
of a hundred and sixty francs； I wrapped them up in my handkerchief；
so that they could neither move or rattle on the way back； and I
played no more。
〃 'What were you doing at the card…table？' said my father as we
stepped into the carriage。
〃 'I was looking on；' I answered； trembling。
〃 'But it would have been nothing out of the common if you had been
prompted by self…love to put some money down on the table。 In the eyes
of men of the world you are quite old enough to assume the right to
commit such follies。 So I should have pardoned you； Raphael； if you
had made use of my purse。 。 。 。 。'
〃I did not answer。 When we reached home； I returned the keys and money
to my father。 As he entered his study； he emptied out his purse on the
mantelpiece； counted the money； and turned to me with a kindly look；
saying with more or less long and significant pauses between each
phrase：
〃 'My boy； you are very nearly twenty now。 I am satisfied with you。
You ought to have an allowance； if only to teach you how to lay it
out； and to gain some acquaintance with everyday business。
Henceforward I shall let you have a hundred francs each month。 Here is
your first quarter's income for this year；' he added； fingering a pile
of gold； as if to make sure that the amount was correct。 'Do what you
please with it。'