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after a work； how could I compete with other young men； curled；
handsome； smart； outcravatting Croatia； wealthy men； equipped with
tilburys； and armed with assurance？
〃 'Bah； death or Foedora！' I cried； as I went round by a bridge； 'my
fortune lies in Foedora。'
〃That gothic boudoir and Louis Quatorze salon came before my eyes。 I
saw the countess again in her white dress with its large graceful
sleeves； and all the fascinations of her form and movements。 These
pictures of Foedora and her luxurious surroundings haunted me even in
my bare； cold garret； when at last I reached it； as disheveled as any
naturalist's wig。 The contrast suggested evil counsel； in such a way
crimes are conceived。 I cursed my honest； self…respecting poverty； my
garret where such teeming fancies had stirred within me。 I trembled
with fury； I reproached God； the devil； social conditions； my own
father； the whole universe； indeed； with my fate and my misfortunes。 I
went hungry to bed； muttering ludicrous imprecations； but fully
determined to win Foedora。 Her heart was my last ticket in the
lottery； my fortune depended upon it。
〃I spare you the history of my earlier visits； to reach the drama the
sooner。 In my efforts to appeal to her； I essayed to engage her
intellect and her vanity on my side； in order to secure her love； I
gave her any quantity of reasons for increasing her self…esteem； I
never left her in a state of indifference； women like emotions at any
cost； I gave them to her in plenty； I would rather have had her angry
with me than indifferent。
〃At first； urged by a strong will and a desire for her love； I assumed
a little authority； but my own feelings grew stronger and mastered me；
I relapsed into truth； I lost my head； and fell desperately in love。
〃I am not very sure what we mean by the word love in our poetry and
our talk； but I know that I have never found in all the ready
rhetorical phrases of Jean…Jacques Rousseau； in whose room perhaps I
was lodging； nor among the feeble inventions of two centuries of our
literature； nor in any picture that Italy has produced； a
representation of the feelings that expanded all at once in my double
nature。 The view of the lake of Bienne； some music of Rossini's； the
Madonna of Murillo's now in the possession of General Soult；
Lescombat's letters； a few sayings scattered through collections of
anecdotes； but most of all the prayers of religious ecstatics； and
passages in our fabliaux；these things alone have power to carry me
back to the divine heights of my first love。
〃Nothing expressed in human language； no thought reproducible in
color； marble； sound； or articulate speech； could ever render the
force； the truth； the completeness； the suddenness with which love
awoke in me。 To speak of art； is to speak of illusion。 Love passes
through endless transformations before it passes for ever into our
existence and makes it glow with its own color of flame。 The process
is imperceptible； and baffles the artist's analysis。 Its moans and
complaints are tedious to an uninterested spectator。 One would need to
be very much in love to share the furious transports of Lovelace； as
one reads Clarissa Harlowe。 Love is like some fresh spring； that
leaves its cresses； its gravel bed and flowers to become first a
stream and then a river； changing its aspect and its nature as it
flows to plunge itself in some boundless ocean； where restricted
natures only find monotony； but where great souls are engulfed in
endless contemplation。
〃How can I dare to describe the hues of fleeting emotions； the
nothings beyond all price； the spoken accents that beggar language；
the looks that hold more than all the wealth of poetry？ Not one of the
mysterious scenes that draw us insensibly nearer and nearer to a
woman； but has depths in it which can swallow up all the poetry that
ever was written。 How can the inner life and mystery that stirs in our
souls penetrate through our glozes； when we have not even words to
describe the visible and outward mysteries of beauty？ What enchantment
steeped me for how many hours in unspeakable rapture； filled with the
sight of Her！ What made me happy？ I know not。 That face of hers
overflowed with light at such times； it seemed in some way to glow
with it； the outlines of her face； with the scarcely perceptible down
on its delicate surface； shone with a beauty belonging to the far
distant horizon that melts into the sunlight。 The light of day seemed
to caress her as she mingled in it； rather it seemed that the light of
her eyes was brighter than the daylight itself； or some shadow passing
over that fair face made a kind of change there； altering its hues and
its expression。 Some thought would often seem to glow on her white
brows； her eyes appeared to dilate； and her eyelids trembled； a smile
rippled over her features； the living coral of her lips grew full of
meaning as they closed and unclosed； an indistinguishable something in
her hair made brown shadows on her fair temples； in each new phase
Foedora spoke。 Every slight variation in her beauty made a new
pleasure for my eyes； disclosed charms my heart had never known
before； I tried to read a separate emotion or a hope in every change
that passed over her face。 This mute converse passed between soul and
soul； like sound and answering echo； and the short…lived delights then
showered upon me have left indelible impressions behind。 Her voice
would cause a frenzy in me that I could hardly understand。 I could
have copied the example of some prince of Lorraine； and held a live
coal in the hollow of my hand； if her fingers passed caressingly
through my hair the while。 I felt no longer mere admiration and
desire： I was under the spell； I had met my destiny。 When back again
under my own roof； I still vaguely saw Foedora in her own home； and
had some indefinable share in her life； if she felt ill； I suffered
too。 The next day I used to say to her：
〃 'You were not well yesterday。'
〃How often has she not stood before me； called by the power of
ecstasy； in the silence of the night！ Sometimes she would break in
upon me like a ray of light； make me drop my pen； and put science and
study to flight in grief and alarm； as she compelled my admiration by
the alluring pose I had seen but a short time before。 Sometimes I went
to seek her in the spirit world； and would bow down to her as to a
hope； entreating her to let me hear the silver sounds of her voice；
and I would wake at length in tears。
〃Once； when she had promised to go to the theatre with me； she took it
suddenly into her head to refuse to go out； and begged me to leave her
alone。 I was in such despair over the perversity which cost me a day's
work； and （if I must confess it） my last shilling as well； that I went
alone where she was to have been； desiring to see the play she had
wished to see。 I had scarcely seated myself when an electric shock
went through me。 A voice told me； 'She is here！' I looked round； and
saw the countess hidden in the shadow at the back of her box in the
first tier。 My look did not waver； my eyes saw her at once with
incredible clearness； my soul hovered about her life like an insect
above its flower。 How had my senses received this warning？ There is
something in these inward tremors that shallow people find
astonishing； but the phenomena of our inner consciousness are produced
as simple as those of external vision； so I was not surprised； but
much vexed。 My studies of our mental faculties； so little understood；
helped me at any rate to find in my own excitement some living proofs
of my theories。 There was something exceedingly odd in this
combination of lover and man of science； of downright idolatry of a
woman with the love of knowledge。 The causes of the lover's despair
were highly interesting to the man of science； and the exultant lover；
on the other hand； put science far away from him in his joy。 Foedora
saw me； and grew grave： I annoyed her。 I went to her box during the
first interval； and finding her alone； I stayed there。 Although we had
not spoken of love； I foresaw an explanation。 I had not told her my
secret； still there was a kind of understanding between us。 She used
to tell me her plans for amusement； and on the previous evening had
asked with friendly eagerness if I meant to call the next day。 After
any witticism of hers； she would give me an inquiring glance； as if
she had sought to please me alone by it。 She would soothe me if I was
vexed； and if she pouted； I had in some sort a right to ask an
explanation。 Before she would pardon any blunder； she would keep me a
suppliant for long。 All these things that we so relished； were so many
lovers' quarrels。 What arch grace she threw into it all！ and what
happiness it was to me！
〃But now we stood before each other as strangers； with the close
relation between us both suspended。 The countess was glacial： a
presentiment of trouble filled me。
〃 'Will you come home with me？' she said； when the play was over。
〃There had been a sudden change in the weather； and sleet was falling
in showers as we went out。 Foedora's carriage was unable to reach the
doorway of the theatre。 At the sight of a well…dr