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half of our existence nevertheless。 As we sat together before a
crackling fire； on silken cushions surrounded by the most desirable
creations of Oriental luxury； as I saw this woman whose famous beauty
made every heart beat； so close to me； an unapproachable woman who was
talking and bringing all her powers of coquetry to bear upon me； then
my blissful pleasure rose almost to the point of suffering。 To my
vexation； I recollected the important business to be concluded； I
determined to go to keep the appointment made for me for this evening。
〃 'So soon？' she said； seeing me take my hat。
〃She loved me； then！ or I thought so at least； from the bland tones in
which those two words were uttered。 I would then have bartered a
couple of years of life for every hour she chose to grant to me； and
so prolong my ecstasy。 My happiness was increased by the extent of the
money I sacrificed。 It was midnight before she dismissed me。 But on
the morrow； for all that； my heroism cost me a good many remorseful
pangs； I was afraid the affair of the Memoirs； now of such importance
for me； might have fallen through； and rushed off to Rastignac。 We
found the nominal author of my future labors just getting up。
〃Finot read over a brief agreement to me； in which nothing whatever
was said about my aunt； and when it had been signed he paid me down
fifty crowns； and the three of us breakfasted together。 I had only
thirty francs left over； when I had paid for my new hat； for sixty
tickets at thirty sous each； and settled my debts； but for some days
to come the difficulties of living were removed。 If I had but listened
to Rastignac； I might have had abundance by frankly adopting the
'English system。' He really wanted to establish my credit by setting
me to raise loans； on the theory that borrowing is the basis of
credit。 To hear him talk； the future was the largest and most secure
kind of capital in the world。 My future luck was hypothecated for the
benefit of my creditors； and he gave my custom to his tailor； an
artist； and a young man's tailor； who was to leave me in peace until I
married。
〃The monastic life of study that I had led for three years past ended
on this day。 I frequented Foedora's house very diligently； and tried
to outshine the heroes or the swaggerers to be found in her circle。
When I believed that I had left poverty for ever behind me； I regained
my freedom of mind； humiliated my rivals； and was looked upon as a
very attractive； dazzling； and irresistible sort of man。 But acute
folk used to say with regard to me； 'A fellow as clever as that will
keep all his enthusiasms in his brain；' and charitably extolled my
faculties at the expense of my feelings。 'Isn't he lucky； not to be in
love！' they exclaimed。 'If he were； could he be so light…hearted and
animated？' Yet in Foedora's presence I was as dull as love could make
me。 When I was alone with her； I had not a word to say； or if I did
speak； I renounced love； and I affected gaiety but ill； like a
courtier who has a bitter mortification to hide。 I tried in every way
to make myself indispensable in her life； and necessary to her vanity
and to her comfort； I was a plaything at her pleasure； a slave always
at her side。 And when I had frittered away the day in this way； I went
back to my work at night； securing merely two or three hours' sleep in
the early morning。
〃But I had not； like Rastignac； the 'English system' at my finger…
ends； and I very soon saw myself without a penny。 I fell at once into
that precarious way of life which industriously hides cold and
miserable depths beneath an elusive surface of luxury； I was a coxcomb
without conquests； a penniless fop； a nameless gallant。 The old
sufferings were renewed； but less sharply； no doubt I was growing used
to the painful crisis。 Very often my sole diet consisted of the scanty
provision of cakes and tea that is offered in drawing…rooms； or one of
the countess' great dinners must sustain me for two whole days。 I used
all my time； and exerted every effort and all my powers of
observation； to penetrate the impenetrable character of Foedora。
Alternate hope and despair had swayed my opinions； for me she was
sometimes the tenderest； sometimes the most unfeeling of women。 But
these transitions from joy to sadness became unendurable； I sought to
end the horrible conflict within me by extinguishing love。 By the
light of warning gleams my soul sometimes recognized the gulfs that
lay between us。 The countess confirmed all my fears； I had never yet
detected any tear in her eyes； an affecting scene in a play left her
smiling and unmoved。 All her instincts were selfish； she could not
divine another's joy or sorrow。 She had made a fool of me； in fact！
〃I had rejoiced over a sacrifice to make for her； and almost
humiliated myself in seeking out my kinsman； the Duc de Navarreins； a
selfish man who was ashamed of my poverty； and had injured me too
deeply not to hate me。 He received me with the polite coldness that
makes every word and gesture seem an insult； he looked so ill at ease
that I pitied him。 I blushed for this pettiness amid grandeur； and
penuriousness surrounded by luxury。 He began to talk to me of his
heavy losses in the three per cents； and then I told him the object of
my visit。 The change in his manners； hitherto glacial； which now
gradually； became affectionate； disgusted me。
〃Well； he called upon the countess； and completely eclipsed me with
her。
〃On him Foedora exercised spells and witcheries unheard of； she drew
him into her power； and arranged her whole mysterious business with
him； I was left out； I heard not a word of it； she had made a tool of
me！ She did not seem to be aware of my existence while my cousin was
present； she received me less cordially perhaps than when I was first
presented to her。 One evening she chose to mortify me before the duke
by a look； a gesture； that it is useless to try to express in words。 I
went away with tears in my eyes； planning terrible and outrageous
schemes of vengeance without end。
〃I often used to go with her to the theatre。 Love utterly absorbed me
as I sat beside her； as I looked at her I used to give myself up to
the pleasure of listening to the music； putting all my soul into the
double joy of love and of hearing every emotion of my heart translated
into musical cadences。 It was my passion that filled the air and the
stage； that was triumphant everywhere but with my mistress。 Then I
would take Foedora's hand。 I used to scan her features and her eyes；
imploring of them some indication that one blended feeling possessed
us both； seeking for the sudden harmony awakened by the power of
music； which makes our souls vibrate in unison； but her hand was
passive； her eyes said nothing。
〃When the fire that burned in me glowed too fiercely from the face I
turned upon her； she met it with that studied smile of hers； the
conventional expression that sits on the lips of every portrait in
every exhibition。 She was not listening to the music。 The divine pages
of Rossini； Cimarosa； or Zingarelli called up no emotion； gave no
voice to any poetry in her life； her soul was a desert。
〃Foedora presented herself as a drama before a drama。 Her lorgnette
traveled restlessly over the boxes； she was restless too beneath the
apparent calm； fashion tyrannized over her； her box； her bonnet； her
carriage； her own personality absorbed her entirely。 My merciless
knowledge thoroughly tore away all my illusions。 If good breeding
consists in self…forgetfulness and consideration for others； in
constantly showing gentleness in voice and bearing； in pleasing
others； and in making them content in themselves； all traces of her
plebeian origin were not yet obliterated in Foedora； in spite of her
cleverness。 Her self…forgetfulness was a sham； her manners were not
innate but painfully acquired； her politeness was rather subservient。
And yet for those she singled out； her honeyed words expressed natural
kindness； her pretentious exaggeration was exalted enthusiasm。 I alone
had scrutinized her grimacings； and stripped away the thin rind that
sufficed to conceal her real nature from the world； her trickery no
longer deceived me； I had sounded the depths of that feline nature。 I
blushed for her when some donkey or other flattered and complimented
her。 And yet I loved her through it all！ I hoped that her snows would
melt with the warmth of a poet's love。 If I could only have made her
feel all the greatness that lies in devotion； then I should have seen
her perfected； she would have been an angel。 I loved her as a man； a
lover； and an artist； if it had been necessary not to love her so that
I might win her； some cool…headed coxcomb； some self…possessed
calculator would perhaps have had an advantage over me。 She was so
vain and sophisticated； that the language of vanity would appeal to
her； she would have allowed herself to be taken in the toils of an
intrigue； a hard； cold nature would have gained a complete ascendency
over her。 Keen grief had pierced me to my very soul； as she
unconsciously revealed her absolute love of self。 I seemed to see her
as she one day would be； alone in the world； with no one