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unconsciously revealed her absolute love of self。 I seemed to see her
as she one day would be； alone in the world； with no one to whom she
could stretch her hand； with no friendly eyes for her own to meet and
rest upon。 I was bold enough to set this before her one evening； I
painted in vivid colors her lonely； sad； deserted old age。 Her comment
on this prospect of so terrible a revenge of thwarted nature was
horrible。
〃 'I shall always have money；' she said； 'and with money we can always
inspire such sentiments as are necessary for our comfort in those
about us。'
〃I went away confounded by the arguments of luxury； by the reasoning
of this woman of the world in which she lived； and blamed myself for
my infatuated idolatry。 I myself had not loved Pauline because she was
poor； and had not the wealthy Foedora a right to repulse Raphael？
Conscience is our unerring judge until we finally stifle it。 A
specious voice said within me； 'Foedora is neither attracted to nor
repulses any one； she has her liberty； but once upon a time she sold
herself to the Russian count； her husband or her lover； for gold。 But
temptation is certain to enter into her life。 Wait till that moment
comes！' She lived remote from humanity； in a sphere apart； in a hell
or a heaven of her own； she was neither frail nor virtuous。 This
feminine enigma in embroideries and cashmeres had brought into play
every emotion of the human heart in mepride； ambition； love；
curiosity。
〃There was a craze just then for praising a play at a little Boulevard
theatre； prompted perhaps by a wish to appear original that besets us
all； or due to some freak of fashion。 The countess showed some signs
of a wish to see the floured face of the actor who had so delighted
several people of taste； and I obtained the honor of taking her to a
first presentation of some wretched farce or other。 A box scarcely
cost five francs； but I had not a brass farthing。 I was but half…way
through the volume of Memoirs； I dared not beg for assistance of
Finot； and Rastignac； my providence； was away。 These constant
perplexities were the bane of my life。
〃We had once come out of the theatre when it was raining heavily；
Foedora had called a cab for me before I could escape from her show of
concern； she would not admit any of my excusesmy liking for wet
weather； and my wish to go to the gaming…table。 She did not read my
poverty in my embarrassed attitude； or in my forced jests。 My eyes
would redden； but she did not understand a look。 A young man's life is
at the mercy of the strangest whims！ At every revolution of the wheels
during the journey； thoughts that burned stirred in my heart。 I tried
to pull up a plank from the bottom of the vehicle； hoping to slip
through the hole into the street； but finding insuperable obstacles； I
burst into a fit of laughter； and then sat stupefied in calm
dejection； like a man in a pillory。 When I reached my lodging； Pauline
broke in through my first stammering words with：
〃 'If you haven't any money？'
〃Ah； the music of Rossini was as nothing compared with those words。
But to return to the performance at the Funambules。
〃I thought of pawning the circlet of gold round my mother's portrait
in order to escort the countess。 Although the pawnbroker loomed in my
thoughts as one of the doors of a convict's prison； I would rather
myself have carried my bed thither than have begged for alms。 There is
something so painful in the expression of a man who asks money of you！
There are loans that mulct us of our self…respect； just as some
rebuffs from a friend's lips sweep away our last illusion。
〃Pauline was working； her mother had gone to bed。 I flung a stealthy
glance over the bed； the curtains were drawn back a little； Madame
Gaudin was in a deep sleep； I thought； when I saw her quiet； sallow
profile outlined against the pillow。
〃 'You are in trouble？' Pauline said； dipping her brush into the
coloring。
〃 'It is in your power to do me a great service； my dear child；' I
answered。
〃The gladness in her eyes frightened me。
〃 'Is it possible that she loves me？' I thought。 'Pauline；' I began。 I
went and sat near to her； so as to study her。 My tones had been so
searching that she read my thought； her eyes fell； and I scrutinized
her face。 It was so pure and frank that I fancied I could see as
clearly into her heart as into my own。
〃 'Do you love me？' I asked。
〃 'A little；passionatelynot a bit！' she cried。
〃Then she did not love me。 Her jesting tones； and a little gleeful
movement that escaped her； expressed nothing beyond a girlish； blithe
goodwill。 I told her about my distress and the predicament in which I
found myself； and asked her to help me。
〃 'You do not wish to go to the pawnbroker's yourself； M。 Raphael；'
she answered； 'and yet you would send me！'
〃I blushed in confusion at the child's reasoning。 She took my hand in
hers as if she wanted to compensate for this home…truth by her light
touch upon it。
〃 'Oh； I would willingly go；' she said； 'but it is not necessary。 I
found two five…franc pieces at the back of the piano； that had slipped
without your knowledge between the frame and the keyboard； and I laid
them on your table。'
〃 'You will soon be coming into some money； M。 Raphael；' said the kind
mother； showing her face between the curtains； 'and I can easily lend
you a few crowns meanwhile。'
〃 'Oh； Pauline！' I cried； as I pressed her hand； 'how I wish that I
were rich！'
〃 'Bah！ why should you？' she said petulantly。 Her hand shook in mine
with the throbbing of her pulse； she snatched it away； and looked at
both of mine。
〃 'You will marry a rich wife；' she said； 'but she will give you a
great deal of trouble。 Ah； Dieu！ she will be your death；I am sure of
it。'
〃In her exclamation there was something like belief in her mother's
absurd superstitions。
〃 'You are very credulous； Pauline！'
〃 'The woman whom you will love is going to kill youthere is no
doubt of it；' she said； looking at me with alarm。
〃She took up her brush again and dipped it in the color； her great
agitation was evident； she looked at me no longer。 I was ready to give
credence just then to superstitious fancies； no man is utterly
wretched so long as he is superstitious； a belief of that kind is
often in reality a hope。
〃I found that those two magnificent five…franc pieces were lying； in
fact； upon my table when I reached my room。 During the first confused
thoughts of early slumber； I tried to audit my accounts so as to
explain this unhoped…for windfall； but I lost myself in useless
calculations； and slept。 Just as I was leaving my room to engage a box
the next morning； Pauline came to see me。
〃 'Perhaps your ten francs is not enough；' said the amiable； kind…
hearted girl； 'my mother told me to offer you this money。 Take it；
please； take it！'
〃She laid three crowns upon the table； and tried to escape； but I
would not let her go。 Admiration dried the tears that sprang to my
eyes。
〃 'You are an angel； Pauline；' I said。 'It is not the loan that
touches me so much as the delicacy with which it is offered。 I used to
wish for a rich wife； a fashionable woman of rank； and now； alas！ I
would rather possess millions； and find some girl； as poor as you are；
with a generous nature like your own； and I would renounce a fatal
passion which will kill me。 Perhaps what you told me will come true。'
〃 'That is enough；' she said； and fled away； the fresh trills of her
birdlike voice rang up the staircase。
〃 'She is very happy in not yet knowing love；' I said to myself；
thinking of the torments I had endured for many months past。
〃Pauline's fifteen francs were invaluable to me。 Foedora； thinking of
the stifling odor of the crowded place where we were to spend several
hours； was sorry that she had not brought a bouquet； I went in search
of flowers for her； as I had laid already my life and my fate at her
feet。 With a pleasure in which compunction mingled； I gave her a
bouquet。 I learned from its price the extravagance of superficial
gallantry in the world。 But very soon she complained of the heavy
scent of a Mexican jessamine。 The interior of the theatre； the bare
bench on which she was to sit； filled her with intolerable disgust；
she upbraided me for bringing her there。 Although she sat beside me；
she wished to go； and she went。 I had spent sleepless nights； and
squandered two months of my life for her； and I could not please her。
Never had that tormenting spirit been more unfeeling or more
fascinating。
〃I sat beside her in the cramped back seat of the vehicle； all the way
I could feel her breath on me and the contact of her perfumed glove； I
saw distinctly all her exceeding beauty； I inhaled a vague scent of
orris…root； so wholly a woman she was； with no touch of womanhood。
Just then a sudden gleam of light lit up the depths of this mysterious
life for me。 I thought all at once of a book just published by a poet；
a genuine conception of the artist； in the shape of the statue of
Polycletus。
〃I seemed to see that monstrous creation； at one time an officer；
breaking in a spirited horse； at another； a girl； who gives herself up
to her toilette and