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the magic skin(驴皮记)-第34章

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lose a woman; you are losing a name and a family。 Time is big with my
revenge; time will spoil your beauty; and yours will be a solitary
death; and glory waits for me!'

〃 'Thanks for your peroration!' she said; repressing a yawn; the wish
that she might never see me again was expressed in her whole bearing。

〃That remark silenced me。 I flung at her a glance full of hatred; and
hurried away。

〃Foedora must be forgotten; I must cure myself of my infatuation; and
betake myself once more to my lonely studies; or die。 So I set myself
tremendous tasks; I determined to complete my labors。 For fifteen days
I never left my garret; spending whole nights in pallid thought。 I
worked with difficulty; and by fits and starts; despite my courage and
the stimulation of despair。 The music had fled。 I could not exorcise
the brilliant mocking image of Foedora。 Something morbid brooded over
every thought; a vague longing as dreadful as remorse。 I imitated the
anchorites of the Thebaid。 If I did not pray as they did; I lived a
life in the desert like theirs; hewing out my ideas as they were wont
to hew their rocks。 I could at need have girdled my waist with spikes;
that physical suffering might quell mental anguish。

〃One evening Pauline found her way into my room。

〃 'You are killing yourself;' she said imploringly; 'you should go out
and see your friends'

〃 'Pauline; you were a true prophet; Foedora is killing me; I want to
die。 My life is intolerable。'

〃 'Is there only one woman in the world?' she asked; smiling。 'Why
make yourself so miserable in so short a life?'

〃I looked at Pauline in bewilderment。 She left me before I noticed her
departure; the sound of her words had reached me; but not their sense。
Very soon I had to take my Memoirs in manuscript to my literary…
contractor。 I was so absorbed by my passion; that I could not remember
how I had managed to live without money; I only knew that the four
hundred and fifty francs due to me would pay my debts。 So I went to
receive my salary; and met Rastignac; who thought me changed and
thinner。

〃 'What hospital have you been discharged from?' he asked。

〃 'That woman is killing me;' I answered; 'I can neither despise her
nor forget her。'

〃 'You had much better kill her; then perhaps you would think no more
of her;' he said; laughing。

〃 'I have often thought of it;' I replied; 'but though sometimes the
thought of a crime revives my spirits; of violence and murder; either
or both; I am really incapable of carrying out the design。 The
countess is an admirable monster who would crave for pardon; and not
every man is an Othello。'

〃 'She is like every woman who is beyond our reach;' Rastignac
interrupted。

〃 'I am mad;' I cried; 'I can feel the madness raging at times in my
brain。 My ideas are like shadows; they flit before me; and I cannot
grasp them。 Death would be preferable to this life; and I have
carefully considered the best way of putting an end to the struggle。 I
am not thinking of the living Foedora in the Faubourg Saint Honore;
but of my Foedora here;' and I tapped my forehead。 'What to you say to
opium?'

〃 'Pshaw! horrid agonies;' said Rastignac。

〃 'Or charcoal fumes?'

〃 'A low dodge。'

〃 'Or the Seine?'

〃 'The drag…nets; and the Morgue too; are filthy。'

〃 'A pistol…shot?'

〃 'And if you miscalculate; you disfigure yourself for life。 Listen to
me;' he went on; 'like all young men; I have pondered over suicide。
Which of us hasn't killed himself two or three times before he is
thirty? I find there is no better course than to use existence as a
means of pleasure。 Go in for thorough dissipation; and your passion or
you will perish in it。 Intemperance; my dear fellow; commands all
forms of death。 Does she not wield the thunderbolt of apoplexy?
Apoplexy is a pistol…shot that does not miscalculate。 Orgies are
lavish in all physical pleasures; is not that the small change for
opium? And the riot that makes us drink to excess bears a challenge to
mortal combat with wine。 That butt of Malmsey of the Duke of
Clarence's must have had a pleasanter flavor than Seine mud。 When we
sink gloriously under the table; is not that a periodical death by
drowning on a small scale? If we are picked up by the police and
stretched out on those chilly benches of theirs at the police…station;
do we not enjoy all the pleasures of the Morgue? For though we are not
blue and green; muddy and swollen corpses; on the other hand we have
the consciousness of the climax。

〃 'Ah;' he went on; 'this protracted suicide has nothing in common
with the bankrupt grocer's demise。 Tradespeople have brought the river
into disrepute; they fling themselves in to soften their creditors'
hearts。 In your place I should endeavor to die gracefully; and if you
wish to invent a novel way of doing it; by struggling with life after
this manner; I will be your second。 I am disappointed and sick of
everything。 The Alsacienne; whom it was proposed that I should marry;
had six toes on her left foot; I cannot possibly live with a woman who
has six toes! It would get about to a certainty; and then I should be
ridiculous。 Her income was only eighteen thousand francs; her fortune
diminished in quantity as her toes increased。 The devil take it; if we
begin an outrageous sort of life; we may come on some bit of luck;
perhaps!'

〃Rastignac's eloquence carried me away。 The attractions of the plan
shone too temptingly; hopes were kindled; the poetical aspects of the
matter appealed to a poet。

〃 'How about money?' I said。

〃 'Haven't you four hundred and fifty francs?'

〃 'Yes; but debts to my landlady and the tailor'

〃 'You would pay your tailor? You will never be anything whatever; not
so much as a minister。'

〃 'But what can one do with twenty louis?'

〃 'Go to the gaming…table。'

〃I shuddered。

〃 'You are going to launch out into what I call systematic
dissipation;' said he; noticing my scruples; 'and yet you are afraid
of a green table…cloth。'

〃 'Listen to me;' I answered。 'I promised my father never to set foot
in a gaming…house。 Not only is that a sacred promise; but I still feel
an unconquerable disgust whenever I pass a gambling…hell; take the
money and go without me。 While our fortune is at stake; I will set my
own affairs straight; and then I will go to your lodgings and wait for
you。'

〃That was the way I went to perdition。 A young man has only to come
across a woman who will not love him; or a woman who loves him too
well; and his whole life becomes a chaos。 Prosperity swallows up our
energy just as adversity obscures our virtues。 Back once more in my
Hotel de Saint…Quentin; I gazed about me a long while in the garret
where I had led my scholar's temperate life; a life which would
perhaps have been a long and honorable one; and that I ought not to
have quitted for the fevered existence which had urged me to the brink
of a precipice。 Pauline surprised me in this dejected attitude。

〃 'Why; what is the matter with you?' she asked。

〃I rose and quietly counted out the money owing to her mother; and
added to it sufficient to pay for six months' rent in advance。 She
watched me in some alarm。

〃 'I am going to leave you; dear Pauline。'

〃 'I knew it!' she exclaimed。

〃 'Listen; my child。 I have not given up the idea of coming back。 Keep
my room for me for six months。 If I do not return by the fifteenth of
November; you will come into possession of my things。 This sealed
packet of manuscript is the fair copy of my great work on 〃The
Will;〃 ' I went on; pointing to a package。 'Will you deposit it in the
King's Library? And you may do as you wish with everything that is
left here。'

〃Her look weighed heavily on my heart; Pauline was an embodiment of
conscience there before me。

〃 'I shall have no more lessons;' she said; pointing to the piano。

〃I did not answer that。

〃 'Will you write to me?'

〃 'Good…bye; Pauline。'

〃I gently drew her towards me; and set a kiss on that innocent fair
brow of hers; like snow that has not yet touched the eartha father's
or a brother's kiss。 She fled。 I would not see Madame Gaudin; hung my
key in its wonted place; and departed。 I was almost at the end of the
Rue de Cluny when I heard a woman's light footstep behind me。

〃 'I have embroidered this purse for you;' Pauline said; 'will you
refuse even that?'

〃By the light of the street lamp I thought I saw tears in Pauline's
eyes; and I groaned。 Moved perhaps by a common impulse; we parted in
haste like people who fear the contagion of the plague。

〃As I waited with dignified calmness for Rastignac's return; his room
seemed a grotesque interpretation of the sort of life I was about to
enter upon。 The clock on the chimney…piece was surmounted by a Venus
resting on her tortoise; a half…smoked cigar lay in her arms。 Costly
furniture of various kindslove tokens; very likelywas scattered
about。 Old shoes lay on a luxurious sofa。 The comfortable armchair
into which I had thrown myself bore as many scars as a veteran; the
arms were gnashed; the back was overlaid with a thick; stale deposit
of pomade and hair…oil from the heads of all his visitors。 Splendor
and squalor were oddly min
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