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for then I must describe a nonentity； whereas I would rob him of
nothing but that free agency which is the cause of all the
corruption and of all the misery of human nature。 No man；
indeed； ever did more than the farmer； for he was an absolute
slave to labor all the week； but in truth； as my sagacious reader
must have at first apprehended； when I said he resigned the care
of the house to his wife； I meant more than I then expressed；
even the house and all that belonged to it； for he was really a
farmer only under the direction of his wife。 In a word； so
composed； so serene； so placid a countenance； I never saw； and he
satisfied himself by answering to every question he was asked； 〃I
don't know anything about it； sir； I leaves all that to my wife。〃
Now； as a couple of this kind would； like two vessels of oil；
have made no composition in life； and for want of all savor must
have palled every taste； nature or fortune； or both of them； took
care to provide a proper quantity of acid in the materials that
formed the wife； and to render her a perfect helpmate for so
tranquil a husband。 She abounded in whatsoever he was defective；
that is to say； in almost everything。 She was indeed as vinegar
to oil； or a brisk wind to a standing…pool； and preserved all
from stagnation and corruption。
Quin the player； on taking a nice and severe survey of a
fellow…comedian； burst forth into this exclamation：〃If that
fellow be not a rogue； God Almighty doth not write a legible hand。〃
Whether he guessed right or no is not worth my while to examine；
certain it is that the latter； having wrought his features into a
proper harmony to become the characters of Iago； Shylock； and
others of the same cast； gave us a semblance of truth to the
observation that was sufficient to confirm the wit of it。
Indeed； we may remark； in favor of the physiognomist； though the
law has made him a rogue and vagabond； that Nature is seldom
curious in her works within； without employing some little pains
on the outside； and this more particularly in mischievous
characters； in forming which； as Mr。 Derham observes； in venomous
insects； as the sting or saw of a wasp； she is sometimes
wonderfully industrious。 Now； when she hath thus completely
armed our hero to carry on a war with man； she never fails of
furnishing that innocent lambkin with some means of knowing his
enemy； and foreseeing his designs。 Thus she hath been observed
to act in the case of a rattlesnake； which never meditates a
human prey without giving warning of his approach。 This
observation will； I am convinced； hold most true； if applied to
the most venomous individuals of human insects。 A tyrant； a
trickster； and a bully； generally wear the marks of their several
dispositions in their countenances； so do the vixen； the shrew；
the scold； and all other females of the like kind。 But； perhaps；
nature hath never afforded a stronger example of all this than in
the case of Mrs。 Francis。 She was a short； squat woman； her head
was closely joined to her shoulders； where it was fixed somewhat
awry； every feature of her countenance was sharp and pointed； her
face was furrowed with the smallpox； and her complexion； which
seemed to be able to turn milk to curds； not a little resembled
in color such milk as had already undergone that operation。 She
appeared； indeed； to have many symptoms of a deep jaundice in her
look； but the strength and firmness of her voice overbalanced
them all； the tone of this was a sharp treble at a distance； for
I seldom heard it on the same floor； but was usually waked with
it in the morning； and entertained with it almost continually
through the whole day。
Though vocal be usually put in opposition to instrumental music；
I question whether this might not be thought to partake of the
nature of both； for she played on two instruments； which she
seemed to keep for no other use from morning till night； these
were two maids； or rather scolding…stocks； who； I suppose； by
some means or other； earned their board； and she gave them their
lodging gratis； or for no other service than to keep her lungs in
constant exercise。
She differed； as I have said； in every particular from her
husband； but very remarkably in this； that； as it was impossible
to displease him； so it was as impossible to please her； and as
no art could remove a smile from his countenance； so could no art
carry it into hers。 If her bills were remonstrated against she
was offended with the tacit censure of her fair…dealing； if they
were not； she seemed to regard it as a tacit sarcasm on her
folly； which might have set down larger prices with the same
success。 On this lather hint she did indeed improve； for she
daily raised some of her articles。 A pennyworth of fire was
to…day rated at a shilling； to…morrow at eighteen…pence； and if
she dressed us two dishes for two shillings on the Saturday； we
paid half…a…crown for the cookery of one on the Sunday； and；
whenever she was paid； she never left the room without lamenting
the small amount of her bill； saying； 〃she knew not how it was
that others got their money by gentle…folks； but for her part she
had not the art of it。〃 When she was asked why she complained；
when she was paid all she demanded； she answered； 〃she could not
deny that； nor did she know she had omitted anything； but that it
was but a poor bill for gentle…folks to pay。〃 I accounted for
all this by her having heard； that it is a maxim with the
principal inn…holders on the continent； to levy considerable
sums on their guests； who travel with many horses and servants；
though such guests should eat little or nothing in their houses；
the method being； I believe； in such cases； to lay a capitation
on the horses； and not on their masters。 But she did not
consider that in most of these inns a very great degree of
hunger； without any degree of delicacy； may be satisfied； and
that in all such inns there is some appearance； at least； of
provision； as well as of a man…cook to dress it； one of the
hostlers being always furnished with a cook's cap； waistcoat； and
apron； ready to attend gentlemen and ladies on their summons；
that the case therefore of such inns differed from hers； where
there was nothing to eat or to drink； and in reality no house to
inhabit； no chair to sit upon； nor any bed to lie in； that one
third or fourth part therefore of the levy imposed at inns was；
in truth； a higher tax than the whole was when laid on in the
other； where； in order to raise a small sum； a man is obliged to
submit to pay as many various ways for the same thing as he doth
to the government for the light which enters through his own
window into his own house； from his own estate； such are the
articles of bread and beer； firing； eating and dressing dinner。
The foregoing is a very imperfect sketch of this extraordinary
couple； for everything is here lowered instead of being
heightened。 Those who would see them set forth in more lively
colors； and with the proper ornaments； may read the descriptions
of the Furies in some of the classical poets； or of the Stoic
philosophers in the works of Lucian。
Monday； July 20。This day nothing remarkable passed； Mrs。
Francis levied a tax of fourteen shillings for the Sunday。 We
regaled ourselves at dinner with venison and good claret of our
own； and in the afternoon； the women； attended by the captain；
walked to see a delightful scene two miles distant； with the
beauties of which they declared themselves most highly charmed at
their return； as well as with the goodness of the lady of the
mansion； who had slipped out of the way that my wife and their
company might refresh themselves with the flowers and fruits with
which her garden abounded。
Tuesday； July 21。This day； having paid our taxes of yesterday；
we were permitted to regale ourselves with more venison。 Some of
this we would willingly have exchanged for mutton； but no such
flesh was to be had nearer than Portsmouth； from whence it would
have cost more to convey a joint to us than the freight of a
Portugal ham from Lisbon to London amounts to； for though the
water…carriage be somewhat cheaper here than at Deal； yet can you
find no waterman who will go on board his boat； unless by two or
three hours' rowing he can get drunk for the residue of the week。
And here I have an opportunity； which possibly may not offer
again； of publishing some observations on that political economy
of this nation； which； as it concerns only the regulation of the
mob； is below the notice of our great men； though on the due
regulation of this order depend many emoluments； which the great
men themselves； or at least many who tread close on their heels；
may enjoy； as well as some dangers which may some time or other
arise from introducing a pure state of anarchy among them。 I
will represent the case； as it appears to me； very fairly and