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thrashing living subjects。
'MR。 COPPERNOSE submitted； that as the usual odds in such cases
were ten noblemen or gentlemen to one policeman or cab…driver； it
could make very little difference in point of excitement whether
the policeman or cab…driver were a man or a block。 The great
advantage would be； that a policeman's limbs might be all knocked
off； and yet he would be in a condition to do duty next day。 He
might even give his evidence next morning with his head in his
hand； and give it equally well。
'PROFESSOR MUFF。 … Will you allow me to ask you； sir； of what
materials it is intended that the magistrates' heads shall be
composed？
'MR。 COPPERNOSE。 … The magistrates will have wooden heads of
course； and they will be made of the toughest and thickest
materials that can possibly be obtained。
'PROFESSOR MUFF。 … I am quite satisfied。 This is a great
invention。
'PROFESSOR NOGO。 … I see but one objection to it。 It appears to me
that the magistrates ought to talk。
'MR。 COPPERNOSE no sooner heard this suggestion than he touched a
small spring in each of the two models of magistrates which were
placed upon the table； one of the figures immediately began to
exclaim with great volubility that he was sorry to see gentlemen in
such a situation； and the other to express a fear that the
policeman was intoxicated。
'The section； as with one accord； declared with a shout of applause
that the invention was complete； and the President； much excited；
retired with Mr。 Coppernose to lay it before the council。 On his
return；
'MR。 TICKLE displayed his newly…invented spectacles； which enabled
the wearer to discern； in very bright colours； objects at a great
distance； and rendered him wholly blind to those immediately before
him。 It was； he said； a most valuable and useful invention； based
strictly upon the principle of the human eye。
'THE PRESIDENT required some information upon this point。 He had
yet to learn that the human eye was remarkable for the
peculiarities of which the honourable gentleman had spoken。
'MR。 TICKLE was rather astonished to hear this； when the President
could not fail to be aware that a large number of most excellent
persons and great statesmen could see； with the naked eye； most
marvellous horrors on West India plantations； while they could
discern nothing whatever in the interior of Manchester cotton
mills。 He must know； too； with what quickness of perception most
people could discover their neighbour's faults； and how very blind
they were to their own。 If the President differed from the great
majority of men in this respect； his eye was a defective one； and
it was to assist his vision that these glasses were made。
'MR。 BLANK exhibited a model of a fashionable annual； composed of
copper…plates； gold leaf； and silk boards； and worked entirely by
milk and water。
'MR。 PROSEE； after examining the machine； declared it to be so
ingeniously composed； that he was wholly unable to discover how it
went on at all。
'MR。 BLANK。 … Nobody can； and that is the beauty of it。
'SECTION C。 … ANATOMY AND MEDICINE。
BAR ROOM； BLACK BOY AND STOMACH…ACHE。
PRESIDENT … Dr。 Soemup。 VICE…PRESIDENTS … Messrs。 Pessell and
Mortair。
'DR。 GRUMMIDGE stated to the section a most interesting case of
monomania； and described the course of treatment he had pursued
with perfect success。 The patient was a married lady in the middle
rank of life； who； having seen another lady at an evening party in
a full suit of pearls； was suddenly seized with a desire to possess
a similar equipment； although her husband's finances were by no
means equal to the necessary outlay。 Finding her wish ungratified；
she fell sick； and the symptoms soon became so alarming； that he
（Dr。 Grummidge） was called in。 At this period the prominent tokens
of the disorder were sullenness； a total indisposition to perform
domestic duties； great peevishness； and extreme languor； except
when pearls were mentioned； at which times the pulse quickened； the
eyes grew brighter； the pupils dilated； and the patient； after
various incoherent exclamations； burst into a passion of tears； and
exclaimed that nobody cared for her； and that she wished herself
dead。 Finding that the patient's appetite was affected in the
presence of company； he began by ordering a total abstinence from
all stimulants； and forbidding any sustenance but weak gruel； he
then took twenty ounces of blood； applied a blister under each ear；
one upon the chest； and another on the back； having done which； and
administered five grains of calomel； he left the patient to her
repose。 The next day she was somewhat low； but decidedly better；
and all appearances of irritation were removed。 The next day she
improved still further； and on the next again。 On the fourth there
was some appearance of a return of the old symptoms； which no
sooner developed themselves； than he administered another dose of
calomel； and left strict orders that； unless a decidedly favourable
change occurred within two hours； the patient's head should be
immediately shaved to the very last curl。 From that moment she
began to mend； and； in less than four…and…twenty hours was
perfectly restored。 She did not now betray the least emotion at
the sight or mention of pearls or any other ornaments。 She was
cheerful and good…humoured； and a most beneficial change had been
effected in her whole temperament and condition。
'MR。 PIPKIN （M。R。C。S。） read a short but most interesting
communication in which he sought to prove the complete belief of
Sir William Courtenay； otherwise Thorn； recently shot at
Canterbury； in the Homoeopathic system。 The section would bear in
mind that one of the Homoeopathic doctrines was； that infinitesimal
doses of any medicine which would occasion the disease under which
the patient laboured； supposing him to be in a healthy state； would
cure it。 Now； it was a remarkable circumstance … proved in the
evidence … that the deceased Thorn employed a woman to follow him
about all day with a pail of water； assuring her that one drop （a
purely homoeopathic remedy； the section would observe）； placed upon
his tongue； after death； would restore him。 What was the obvious
inference？ That Thorn； who was marching and countermarching in
osier beds； and other swampy places； was impressed with a
presentiment that he should be drowned； in which case； had his
instructions been complied with； he could not fail to have been
brought to life again instantly by his own prescription。 As it
was； if this woman； or any other person； had administered an
infinitesimal dose of lead and gunpowder immediately after he fell；
he would have recovered forthwith。 But unhappily the woman
concerned did not possess the power of reasoning by analogy； or
carrying out a principle； and thus the unfortunate gentleman had
been sacrificed to the ignorance of the peasantry。
'SECTION D。 … STATISTICS。
OUT…HOUSE； BLACK BOY AND STOMACH…ACHE。
PRESIDENT … Mr。 Slug。 VICE…PRESIDENTS … Messrs。 Noakes and Styles。
'MR。 KWAKLEY stated the result of some most ingenious statistical
inquiries relative to the difference between the value of the
qualification of several members of Parliament as published to the
world； and its real nature and amount。 After reminding the section
that every member of Parliament for a town or borough was supposed
to possess a clear freehold estate of three hundred pounds per
annum； the honourable gentleman excited great amusement and
laughter by stating the exact amount of freehold property possessed
by a column of legislators； in which he had included himself。 It
appeared from this table； that the amount of such income possessed
by each was 0 pounds； 0 shillings； and 0 pence； yielding an average
of the same。 （Great laughter。） It was pretty well known that there
were accommodating gentlemen in the habit of furnishing new members
with temporary qualifications； to the ownership of which they swore
solemnly … of course as a mere matter of form。 He argued from
these DATA that it was wholly unnecessary for members of Parliament
to possess any property at all； especially as when they had none
the public could get them so much cheaper。
'SUPPLEMENTARY SECTION； E。 … UMBUGOLOGY AND DITCHWATERISICS。
PRESIDENT … Mr。 Grub。 VICE PRESIDENTS … Messrs。 Dull and Dummy。
'A paper was read by the secretary descriptive of a bay pony with
one eye； which had been seen by the author standing in a butcher's
cart at the corner of Newgate Market。 The communication described
the author of the paper as having； in the prosecution of a
mercantile pursuit； betaken himself one Saturday morning last
summer from Somers Town to Cheapside； in the course of which
expedition he had beheld the extraordinary appearance above
described。 The pony had one distinct eye； and it had been po