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complete suit of brass armour； of gigantic dimensions。
'I want you to wear this next Monday； Twigger；' said the Mayor。
'Bless your heart and soul； sir！' replied Ned； 'you might as well
ask me to wear a seventy…four pounder； or a cast…iron boiler。'
'Nonsense； Twigger； nonsense！' said the Mayor。
'I couldn't stand under it； sir；' said Twigger； 'it would make
mashed potatoes of me； if I attempted it。'
'Pooh； pooh； Twigger！' returned the Mayor。 'I tell you I have seen
it done with my own eyes； in London； and the man wasn't half such a
man as you are； either。'
'I should as soon have thought of a man's wearing the case of an
eight…day clock to save his linen；' said Twigger； casting a look of
apprehension at the brass suit。
'It's the easiest thing in the world；' rejoined the Mayor。
'It's nothing；' said Mr。 Jennings。
'When you're used to it；' added Ned。
'You do it by degrees；' said the Mayor。 'You would begin with one
piece to…morrow； and two the next day； and so on； till you had got
it all on。 Mr。 Jennings； give Twigger a glass of rum。 Just try
the breast…plate； Twigger。 Stay； take another glass of rum first。
Help me to lift it； Mr。 Jennings。 Stand firm； Twigger！ There！ …
it isn't half as heavy as it looks； is it？'
Twigger was a good strong； stout fellow； so； after a great deal of
staggering； he managed to keep himself up； under the breastplate；
and even contrived； with the aid of another glass of rum； to walk
about in it； and the gauntlets into the bargain。 He made a trial
of the helmet； but was not equally successful； inasmuch as he
tipped over instantly； … an accident which Mr。 Tulrumble clearly
demonstrated to be occasioned by his not having a counteracting
weight of brass on his legs。
'Now； wear that with grace and propriety on Monday next；' said
Tulrumble； 'and I'll make your fortune。'
'I'll try what I can do； sir；' said Twigger。
'It must be kept a profound secret；' said Tulrumble。
'Of course； sir；' replied Twigger。
'And you must be sober；' said Tulrumble； 'perfectly sober。' Mr。
Twigger at once solemnly pledged himself to be as sober as a judge；
and Nicholas Tulrumble was satisfied； although； had we been
Nicholas； we should certainly have exacted some promise of a more
specific nature； inasmuch as； having attended the Mudfog assizes in
the evening more than once； we can solemnly testify to having seen
judges with very strong symptoms of dinner under their wigs。
However； that's neither here nor there。
The next day； and the day following； and the day after that； Ned
Twigger was securely locked up in the small cavern with the sky…
light； hard at work at the armour。 With every additional piece he
could manage to stand upright in； he had an additional glass of
rum； and at last； after many partial suffocations； he contrived to
get on the whole suit； and to stagger up and down the room in it；
like an intoxicated effigy from Westminster Abbey。
Never was man so delighted as Nicholas Tulrumble； never was woman
so charmed as Nicholas Tulrumble's wife。 Here was a sight for the
common people of Mudfog！ A live man in brass armour！ Why； they
would go wild with wonder！
The day … THE Monday … arrived。
If the morning had been made to order； it couldn't have been better
adapted to the purpose。 They never showed a better fog in London
on Lord Mayor's day； than enwrapped the town of Mudfog on that
eventful occasion。 It had risen slowly and surely from the green
and stagnant water with the first light of morning； until it
reached a little above the lamp…post tops； and there it had
stopped； with a sleepy； sluggish obstinacy； which bade defiance to
the sun； who had got up very blood…shot about the eyes； as if he
had been at a drinking…party over…night； and was doing his day's
work with the worst possible grace。 The thick damp mist hung over
the town like a huge gauze curtain。 All was dim and dismal。 The
church steeples had bidden a temporary adieu to the world below；
and every object of lesser importance … houses； barns； hedges；
trees； and barges … had all taken the veil。
The church…clock struck one。 A cracked trumpet from the front
garden of Mudfog Hall produced a feeble flourish； as if some
asthmatic person had coughed into it accidentally； the gate flew
open； and out came a gentleman； on a moist…sugar coloured charger；
intended to represent a herald； but bearing a much stronger
resemblance to a court…card on horseback。 This was one of the
Circus people； who always came down to Mudfog at that time of the
year； and who had been engaged by Nicholas Tulrumble expressly for
the occasion。 There was the horse； whisking his tail about；
balancing himself on his hind…legs； and flourishing away with his
fore…feet； in a manner which would have gone to the hearts and
souls of any reasonable crowd。 But a Mudfog crowd never was a
reasonable one； and in all probability never will be。 Instead of
scattering the very fog with their shouts； as they ought most
indubitably to have done； and were fully intended to do； by
Nicholas Tulrumble； they no sooner recognized the herald； than they
began to growl forth the most unqualified disapprobation at the
bare notion of his riding like any other man。 If he had come out
on his head indeed； or jumping through a hoop； or flying through a
red…hot drum； or even standing on one leg with his other foot in
his mouth； they might have had something to say to him； but for a
professional gentleman to sit astride in the saddle； with his feet
in the stirrups； was rather too good a joke。 So； the herald was a
decided failure； and the crowd hooted with great energy； as he
pranced ingloriously away。
On the procession came。 We are afraid to say how many
supernumeraries there were； in striped shirts and black velvet
caps； to imitate the London watermen； or how many base imitations
of running…footmen； or how many banners； which； owing to the
heaviness of the atmosphere； could by no means be prevailed on to
display their inscriptions： still less do we feel disposed to
relate how the men who played the wind instruments； looking up into
the sky （we mean the fog） with musical fervour； walked through
pools of water and hillocks of mud； till they covered the powdered
heads of the running…footmen aforesaid with splashes； that looked
curious； but not ornamental； or how the barrel…organ performer put
on the wrong stop； and played one tune while the band played
another； or how the horses； being used to the arena； and not to the
streets； would stand still and dance； instead of going on and
prancing； … all of which are matters which might be dilated upon to
great advantage； but which we have not the least intention of
dilating upon； notwithstanding。
Oh！ it was a grand and beautiful sight to behold a corporation in
glass coaches； provided at the sole cost and charge of Nicholas
Tulrumble； coming rolling along； like a funeral out of mourning；
and to watch the attempts the corporation made to look great and
solemn； when Nicholas Tulrumble himself； in the four…wheel chaise；
with the tall postilion； rolled out after them； with Mr。 Jennings
on one side to look like a chaplain； and a supernumerary on the
other； with an old life…guardsman's sabre； to imitate the sword…
bearer； and to see the tears rolling down the faces of the mob as
they screamed with merriment。 This was beautiful！ and so was the
appearance of Mrs。 Tulrumble and son； as they bowed with grave
dignity out of their coach…window to all the dirty faces that were
laughing around them： but it is not even with this that we have to
do； but with the sudden stopping of the procession at another blast
of the trumpet； whereat； and whereupon； a profound silence ensued；
and all eyes were turned towards Mudfog Hall； in the confident
anticipation of some new wonder。
'They won't laugh now； Mr。 Jennings；' said Nicholas Tulrumble。
'I think not； sir；' said Mr。 Jennings。
'See how eager they look；' said Nicholas Tulrumble。 'Aha！ the
laugh will be on our side now； eh； Mr。 Jennings？'
'No doubt of that； sir；' replied Mr。 Jennings； and Nicholas
Tulrumble； in a state of pleasurable excitement； stood up in the
four…wheel chaise； and telegraphed gratification to the Mayoress
behind。
While all this was going forward； Ned Twigger had descended into
the kitchen of Mudfog Hall for the purpose of indulging the
servants with a private view of the curiosity that was to burst
upon the town； and； somehow or other； the footman was so
companionable； and the housemaid so kind； and the cook so friendly；
that he could not resist the offer of the first…mentioned to sit
down and take something … just to drink success to master in。
So； down Ned Twigger sat himself in his brass livery on the top of
the kitchen…table； and in a mug of something strong； paid for by
the unconscious Nicholas