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humorous opprobrium； and the villagers will get a day off and hang
about the village pub and hoot me。 Everybody will see through my
villainy； and I shall be nabbed in the end。 I always am。 But it is
no matter； I will be a villainha！ ha！〃
On the whole； the stage villain appears to us to be a rather badly
used individual。 He never has any 〃estates〃 or property himself； and
his only chance of getting on in the world is to sneak the hero's。 He
has an affectionate disposition； and never having any wife of his own
he is compelled to love other people's； but his affection is ever
unrequited； and everything comes wrong for him in the end。
Our advice to stage villains generally； after careful observation of
（stage） life and （stage） human nature； is as follows：
Never be a stage villain at all if you can help it。 The life is too
harassing and the remuneration altogether disproportionate to the
risks and labor。
If you have run away with the clergyman's daughter and she still
clings to you； do not throw her down in the center of the stage and
call her names。 It only irritates her； and she takes a dislike to you
and goes and warns the other girl。
Don't have too many accomplices； and if you have got them； don't keep
sneering at them and bullying them。 A word from them can hang you；
and yet you do all you can to rile them。 Treat them civilly and let
them have their fair share of the swag。
Beware of the comic man。 When you are committing a murder or robbing
a safe you never look to see where the comic man is。 You are so
careless in that way。 On the whole； it might be as well if you
murdered the comic man early in the play。
Don't make love to the hero's wife。 She doesn't like you； how can you
expect her to？ Besides； it isn't proper。 Why don't you get a girl of
your own？
Lastly； don't go down to the scenes of your crimes in the last act。
You always will do this。 We suppose it is some extra cheap excursion
down there that attracts you。 But take our advice and don't go。 That
is always where you get nabbed。 The police know your habits from
experience。 They do not trouble to look for you。 They go down in the
last act to the old hall or the ruined mill where you did the deed and
wait for you。
In nine cases out of ten you would get off scot…free but for this
idiotic custom of yours。 Do keep away from the place。 Go abroad or
to the sea…side when the last act begins and stop there till it is
over。 You will be safe then。
THE HEROINE。
She is always in troubleand don't she let you know it； too！ Her
life is undeniably a hard one。 Nothing goes right with her。 We all
have our troubles； but the stage heroine never has anything else。 If
she only got one afternoon a week off from trouble or had her Sundays
free it would be something。
But no； misfortune stalks beside her from week's beginning to week's
end。
After her husband has been found guilty of murder； which is about the
least thing that can ever happen to him； and her white…haired father
has become a bankrupt and has died of a broken heart； and the home of
her childhood has been sold up； then her infant goes and contracts a
lingering fever。
She weeps a good deal during the course of her troubles； which we
suppose is only natural enough； poor woman。 But it is depressing from
the point of view of the audience； and we almost wish before the
evening is out that she had not got quite so much trouble。
It is over the child that she does most of her weeping。 The child has
a damp time of it altogether。 We sometimes wonder that it never
catches rheumatism。
She is very good； is the stage heroine。 The comic man expresses a
belief that she is a born angel。 She reproves him for this with a
tearful smile （it wouldn't be her smile if it wasn't tearful）。
〃Oh； no；〃 she says （sadly of course）； 〃I have many； many faults。〃
We rather wish that she would show them a little more。 Her excessive
goodness seems somehow to pall upon us。 Our only consolation while
watching her is that there are not many good women off the stage。
Life is bad enough as it is； if there were many women in real life as
good as the stage heroine； it would be unbearable。
The stage heroine's only pleasure in life is to go out in a snow…storm
without an umbrella and with no bonnet on。 She has a bonnet； we know
（rather a tasteful little thing）； we have seen it hanging up behind
the door of her room； but when she comes out for a night stroll during
a heavy snow…storm （accompanied by thunder）； she is most careful to
leave it at home。 Maybe she fears the snow will spoil it； and she is
a careful girl。
She always brings her child out with her on these occasions。 She
seems to think that it will freshen it up。 The child does not
appreciate the snow as much as she does。 He says it's cold。
One thing that must irritate the stage heroine very much on these
occasions is the way in which the snow seems to lie in wait for her
and follow her about。 It is quite a fine night before she comes on
the scene： the moment she appears it begins to snow。 It snows
heavily all the while she remains about； and the instant she goes it
clears up again and keeps dry for the rest of the evening。
The way the snow 〃goes〃 for that poor woman is most unfair。 It always
snows much heavier in the particular spot where she is sitting than it
does anywhere else in the whole street。 Why； we have sometimes seen a
heroine sitting in the midst of a blinding snow…storm while the other
side of the road was as dry as a bone。 And it never seemed to occur
to her to cross over。
We have even known a more than unusually malignant snow…storm to
follow a heroine three times round the stage and then go off （R。） with
her。
Of course you can't get away from a snow…storm like that！ A stage
snow…storm is the kind of snow…storm that would follow you upstairs
and want to come into bed with you。
Another curious thing about these stage snow…storms is that the moon
is always shining brightly through the whole of them。 And it shines
only on the heroine； and it follows her about just like the snow does。
Nobody fully understands what a wonderful work of nature the moon is
except people acquainted with the stage。 Astronomy teaches you
something about the moon； but you learn a good deal more from a few
visits to a theater。 You will find from the latter that the moon only
shines on heroes and heroines； with perhaps an occasional beam on the
comic man： it always goes out when it sees the villain coming。
It is surprising； too； how quickly the moon can go out on the stage。
At one moment it is riding in full radiance in the midst of a
cloudless sky； and the next instant it is gone！ Just as though it had
been turned off at a meter。 It makes you quite giddy at first until
you get used to it。
The stage heroine is inclined to thoughtfulness rather than gayety。
In her cheerful moments the stage heroine thinks she sees the spirit
of her mother； or the ghost of her father； or she dreams of her dead
baby。
But this is only in her very merry moods。 As a rule； she is too much
occupied with weeping to have time for frivolous reflections。
She has a great flow of language and a wonderful gift of metaphor and
similemore forcible than elegantand this might be rather trying in
a wife under ordinary circumstances。 But as the hero is generally
sentenced to ten years' penal servitude on his wedding…morn； he
escapes for a period from a danger that might well appall a less
fortunate bridegroom。
Sometimes the stage heroine has a brother； and if so he is sure to be
mistaken for her lover。 We never came across a brother and sister in
real life who ever gave the most suspicious person any grounds for
mistaking them for lovers； but the stage brother and sister are so
affectionate that the error is excusable。
And when the mistake does occur and the husband comes in suddenly and
finds them kissing and raves she doesn't turn round and say：
〃Why； you silly cuckoo； it's only my brother。〃
That would be simple and sensible； and would not suit the stage
heroine at all。 No； she does all in her power to make everybody
believe it is true； so that she can suffer in silence。
She does so love to suffer。
Marriage is undoubtedly a failure in the case of the stage heroine。
If the stage heroine were well advised she would remain single。 Her
husband means well。 He is decidedly affectionate。 But he is
unfortunate and inexperienced in worldly affairs。 Things come right
for him at the end of the play； it is true； but we would not recommend
the heroine to place too much reliance upon the continuance of this
happy state of affairs。 From what we have seen of her husband and his
business capabilities during the five acts preceding； we are inclined
to doubt the possibility of his being anything but unfortunate to the
end of his career。
True； he has at last got his 〃rights〃 （which he would never have lost
had he had a head instead of a sentimental bladder on his shoulders）；
the Villain is handcuffed； and he and the heroine have settled down
comfortably next door to the comic man。
But this heavenly existence will