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is always the badge of infamy。
In real life the cigarette is usually the hall…mark of the
particularly mild and harmless individual。 It is the dissipation of
the Y。M。C。A。； the innocent joy of the pure…hearted boy long ere the
demoralizing influence of our vaunted civilization has dragged him
down into the depths of the short clay。
But behind the cigarette on the stage lurks ever black…hearted
villainy and abandoned womanhood。
The adventuress is generally of foreign extraction。 They do not make
bad women in Englandthe article is entirely of continental
manufacture and has to be imported。 She speaks English with a
charming little French accent； and she makes up for this by speaking
French with a good sound English one。
She seems a smart business woman； and she would probably get on very
well if it were not for her friends and relations。 Friends and
relations are a trying class of people even in real life； as we all
know； but the friends and relations of the stage adventuress are a
particularly irritating lot。 They never leave her； never does she get
a day or an hour off from them。 Wherever she goes； there the whole
tribe goes with her。
They all go with her in a body when she calls on her young man； and it
is as much as she can do to persuade them to go into the next room
even for five minutes； and give her a chance。 When she is married
they come and live with her。
They know her dreadful secret and it keeps them in comfort for years。
Knowing somebody's secret seems； on the stage； to be one of the most
profitable and least exhausting professions going。
She is fond of married life； is the adventuress； and she goes in for
it pretty extensively。 She has husbands all over the globe； most of
them in prison； but they escape and turn up in the last act and spoil
all the poor girl's plans。 That is so like husbandsno
consideration； no thought for their poor wives。 They are not a
prepossessing lot； either； those early husbands of hers。 What she
could have seen in them to induce her to marry them is indeed a
mystery。
The adventuress dresses magnificently。 Where she gets the money from
we never could understand； for she and her companions are always more
or less complaining of being 〃stone broke。〃 Dressmakers must be a
trusting people where she comes from。
The adventuress is like the proverbial cat as regards the number of
lives she is possessed of。 You never know when she is really dead。
Most people like to die once and have done with it； but the
adventuress； after once or twice trying it； seems to get quite to like
it； and goes on giving way to it； and then it grows upon her until she
can't help herself； and it becomes a sort of craving with her。
This habit of hers is； however； a very trying one for her friends and
husbandsit makes things so uncertain。 Something ought to be done to
break her of it。 Her husbands； on hearing that she is dead； go into
raptures and rush off and marry other people； and then just as they
are starting off on their new honeymoon up she crops again； as fresh
as paint。 It is really most annoying。
For ourselves； were we the husband of a stage adventuress we should
never； after what we have seen of the species； feel quite justified in
believing her to be dead unless we had killed and buried her
ourselves； and even then we should be more easy in our minds if we
could arrange to sit on her grave for a week or so afterward。 These
women are so artful！
But it is not only the adventuress who will persist in coming to life
again every time she is slaughtered。 They all do it on the stage。
They are all so unreliable in this respect。 It must be most
disheartening to the murderers。
And then； again； it is something extraordinary； when you come to think
of it； what a tremendous amount of killing some of them can stand and
still come up smiling in the next act； not a penny the worse for it。
They get stabbed； and shot； and thrown over precipices thousands of
feet high and； bless you； it does them goodit is like a tonic to
them。
As for the young man that is coming home to see his girl； you simply
can't kill him。 Achilles was a summer rose compared with him。 Nature
and mankind have not sufficient materials in hand as yet to kill that
man。 Science has but the strength of a puling babe against his
invulnerability。 You can waste your time on earthquakes and
shipwrecks； volcanic eruptions； floods； explosions； railway accidents；
and such like sort of things； if you are foolish enough to do so； but
it is no good your imagining that anything of the kind can hurt him；
because it can't。
There will be thousands of people killed； thousands in each instance；
but one human being will always escape； and that one human being will
be the stage young man who is coming home to see his girl。
He is forever being reported as dead； but it always turns out to be
another fellow who was like him or who had on his （the young man's）
hat。 He is bound to be out of it； whoever else may be in。
〃If I had been at my post that day；〃 he explains to his sobbing
mother； 〃I should have been blown up； but the Providence that watches
over good men had ordained that I should be laying blind drunk in
Blogg's saloon at the time the explosion took place； and so the other
engineer； who had been doing my work when it was his turn to be off；
was killed along with the whole of the crew。〃
〃Ah； thank Heaven； thank Heaven for that！〃 ejaculates the pious old
lady； and the comic man is so overcome with devout joy that he has to
relieve his overstrained heart by drawing his young woman on one side
and grossly insulting her。
All attempts to kill this young man ought really to be given up now。
The job has been tried over and over again by villains and bad people
of all kinds； but no one has ever succeeded。 There has been an amount
of energy and ingenuity expended in seeking to lay up that one man
which； properly utilized； might have finished off ten million ordinary
mortals。 It is sad to think of so much wasted effort。
He； the young man coming home to see his girl； need never take an
insurance ticket or even buy a _Tit Bits_。 It would be needless
expenditure in his case。
On the other hand； and to make matters equal； as it were； there are
some stage people so delicate that it is next door to impossible to
keep them alive。
The inconvenient husband is a most pathetic example of this。 Medical
science is powerless to save that man when the last act comes round；
indeed； we doubt whether medical science； in its present state of
development； could even tell what is the matter with him or why he
dies at all。 He looks healthy and robust enough and nobody touches
him； yet down he drops； without a word of warning； stone…dead； in the
middle of the floorhe always dies in the middle of the floor。 Some
folks like to die in bed； but stage people don't。 They like to die on
the floor。 We all have our different tastes。
The adventuress herself is another person who dies with remarkable
ease。 We suppose in her case it is being so used to it that makes her
so quick and clever at it。 There is no lingering illness and doctors'
bills and upsetting of the whole household arrangements about her
method。 One walk round the stage and the thing is done。
All bad characters die quickly on the stage。 Good characters take a
long time over it； and have a sofa down in the drawing…room to do it
on； and have sobbing relatives and good old doctors fooling around
them； and can smile and forgive everybody。 Bad stage characters have
to do the whole job； dying speech and all； in about ten seconds； and
do it with all their clothes on into the bargain； which must make it
most uncomfortable。
It is repentance that kills off the bad people in plays。 They always
repent； and the moment they repent they die。 Repentance on the stage
seems to be one of the most dangerous things a man can be taken with。
Our advice to stage wicked people would undoubtedly be； 〃Never repent。
If you value your life； don't repent。 It always means sudden death！〃
To return to our adventuress。 She is by no means a bad woman。 There
is much good in her。 This is more than proved by the fact that she
learns to love the hero before she dies； for no one but a really good
woman capable of extraordinary patience and gentleness could ever； we
are convinced； grow to feel any other sentiment for that irritating
ass； than a desire to throw bricks at him。
The stage adventuress would be a much better woman； too； if it were
not for the heroine。 The adventuress makes the most complete
arrangements for being noble and self…sacrificingthat is； for going
away and never coming back； and is just about to carry them out； when
the heroine； who has a perfect genius for being in the wrong place at
the right time； comes in and spoils it all。 No stage adventuress can
be good while the heroine is about。 The sight of the heroine rouses
every bad feeling in her breast。
We can sympathize with her in this respect。 The heroine often affects
ourselves in precisely the same way。
There is a good deal to be said in favor of the adventuress。 True；
she possesses rather