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Miss Matilda Hemmings； to allow the matter to drop； otherwise criminal
proceedings would at once be commenced against us。
We took the letter to our own solicitors and explained the
circumstances to them。 They said it seemed to be a very sad case； but
advised us to pay the 50 pounds； and we borrowed the money and did so。
Since then we have lost faith； somehow； in the British drama as a
guide to the conduct of life。
THE CHILD。
It is nice and quiet and it talks prettily。
We have come across real infants now and then in the course of visits
to married friends； they have been brought to us from outlying parts
of the house and introduced to us for our edification； and we have
found them gritty and sticky。 Their boots have usually been muddy；
and they have wiped them up against our new trousers。 And their hair
has suggested the idea that they have been standing on their heads in
the dust…bin。
And they have talked to usbut not prettily； not at allrather rude
we should call it。
But the stage child is very different。 It is clean and tidy。 You can
touch it anywhere and nothing comes off。 Its face glows with soap and
water。 From the appearance of its hands it is evident that mud…pies
and tar are joys unknown to it。 As for its hair； there is something
uncanny about its smoothness and respectability。 Even its boot…laces
are done up。
We have never seen anything like the stage child outside a theater
excepting onethat was on the pavement in front of a tailor's shop in
Tottenham Court Road。 He stood on a bit of round wood； and it was
fifteen and nine； his style。
We thought in our ignorance prior to this that there could not be
anything in the world like the stage child； but you see we were
mistaken。
The stage child is affectionate to its parents and its nurse and is
respectful in its demeanor toward those whom Providence has placed in
authority over it； and so far it is certainly much to be preferred to
the real article。 It speaks of its male and female progenitors as
〃dear； dear papa〃 and 〃dear； dear mamma；〃 and it refers to its nurse
as 〃darling nursey。〃 We are connected with a youthful child
ourselvesa real onea nephew。 He alludes to his father （when his
father is not present） as 〃the old man；〃 and always calls the nurse
〃old nut…crackers。〃 Why cannot they make real children who say 〃dear；
dear mamma〃 and 〃dear； dear papa？〃
The stage child is much superior to the live infant in every way。 The
stage child does not go rampaging about a house and screeching and
yelling till nobody knows whether they are on their heads or their
heels。
A stage child does not get up at five o'clock in the morning to
practice playing on a penny whistle。 A stage child never wants a
bicycle and drives you mad about it。 A stage child does not ask
twenty complicated questions a minute about things that you don't
understand； and then wind up by asking why you don't seem to know
anything； and why wouldn't anybody teach you anything when you were a
little boy。
The stage child does not wear a hole in the seat of its knickerbockers
and have to have a patch let in。 The stage child comes downstairs on
its feet。
The stage child never brings home six other children to play at horses
in the front garden； and then wants to know if they can all come in to
tea。 The stage child never has the wooping…cough； and the measles；
and every other disease that it can lay its hands on； and be laid up
with them one after the other and turn the house upside down。
The stage child's department in the scheme of life is to harrow up its
mother's feelings by ill…timed and uncalled…for questions about its
father。 It always wants to know； before a roomful of people； where
〃dear papa〃 is； and why he has left dear mamma； when； as all the
guests know； the poor man is doing his two years' hard or waiting to
be hanged。 It makes everybody so uncomfortable。
It is always harrowing up somebodythe stage child； it really ought
not to be left about as it is。 When it has done upsetting its mother
it fishes out some broken…hearted maid； who has just been cruelly
severed forever from her lover； and asks her in a high falsetto voice
why she doesn't get married； and prattles to her about love； and
domestic bliss； and young men； and any other subject it can think of
particularly calculated to lacerate the poor girl's heart until her
brain nearly gives way。
After that it runs amuck up and down the whole play and makes
everybody sit up all round。 It asks eminently respectable old maids
if they wouldn't like to have a baby； and it wants to know why
bald…headed old men have left off wearing hair； and why other old
gentlemen have red noses and if they were always that color。
In some plays it so happens that the less said about the origin and
source of the stage child the better； and in such cases nothing will
appear so important to that contrary brat as to know； in the middle of
an evening…party； who its father was！
Everybody loves the stage child。 They catch it up in their bosoms
every other minute and weep over it。 They take it in turns to do
this。
Nobodyon the stage； we meanever has enough of the stage child。
Nobody ever tells the stage child to 〃shut up〃 or to 〃get out of
this。〃 Nobody ever clumps the stage child over the head。
When the real child goes to the theater it must notice these things
and wish it were a stage child。
The stage child is much admired by the audience。 Its pathos makes
them weep； its tragedy thrills them； its declamationas for instance
when it takes the center of the stage and says it will kill the wicked
man； and the police； and everybody who hurts its marstirs them like
a trumpet note； and its light comedy is generally held to be the most
truly humorous thing in the whole range of dramatic art。
But there are some people so strangely constituted that they do not
appreciate the stage child； they do not comprehend its uses； they do
not understand its beauties。 We should not be angry with them。 We
should the rather pity them。
We ourselves had a friend once who suffered from this misfortune。 He
was a married man； and Providence had been very gracious； very good to
him： he had been blessed with eleven children； and they were all
growing up well and strong。
The 〃baby〃 was eleven weeks old； and then came the twins； who were
getting on for fifteen months and were cutting their double teeth
nicely。 The youngest girl was three； there were five boys aged seven；
eight； nine； ten； and twelve respectivelygood enough lads；
butwell； there； boys will be boys； you know； we were just the same
ourselves when we were young。 The two eldest were both very pleasant
girls； as their mother said； the only pity was that they would quarrel
so with each other。
We never knew a healthier set of boys and girls。 They were so full of
energy and dash。
Our friend was very much out of sorts one evening when we called on
him。 It was holiday…time and wet weather。 He had been at home all
day； and so had all the children。 He was telling his wife when we
entered the room that if the holidays were to last much longer and
those twins did not hurry up and get their teeth quickly； he should
have to go away and join the County Council。 He could not stand the
racket。
His wife said she could not see what he had to complain of。 She was
sure better…hearted children no man could have。
Our friend said he didn't care a straw about their hearts。 It was
their legs and arms and lungs that were driving him crazy。
He also said that he would go out with us and get away from it for a
bit； or he should go mad。
He proposed a theater； and we accordingly made our way toward the
Strand。 Our friend； in closing the door behind him； said he could not
tell us what a relief it was to get away from those children。 He said
he loved children very much indeed； but that it was a mistake to have
too much of anything； however much you liked it； and that he had come
to the conclusion that twenty…two hours a day of them was enough for
any one。
He said he did not want to see another child or hear another child
until he got home。 He wanted to forget that there were such things as
children in the world。
We got up to the Strand and dropped into the first theater we came to。
The curtain went up； and on the stage was a small child standing in
its nightshirt and screaming for its mother。
Our friend looked； said one word and bolted； and we followed。
We went a little further and dropped into another theater。
Here there were two children on the stage。 Some grown…up people were
standing round them listening； in respectful attitudes； while the
children talked。 They appeared to be lecturing about something。
Again we fled； swearing； and made our way to a third theater。 They
were all children there。 It was somebody or other's Children's
Company performing an opera； or pantomime； or something of that sort。
Our friend said he would not venture into another theater。 He said he
had heard there were places called music…halls； and he begged us to
take him to one of these and not to tell his wife。
We inquired of a policeman and fou