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alone and unmolested at last； to strengthen myself for the hard
trial of my poor love's funeral to…morrow。
March 13th。 It is all over。 A week ago her head rested on my
bosom。 It is laid in the churchyard now； the fresh earth lies
heavy over her grave。 I and my dearest friend； the sister of my
love； are parted in this world forever。
I followed her funeral alone through the cruel； hustling streets。
Sally； I thought； might have offered to go with me； but she never
so much as came into my room。 I did not like to think badly of
her for this； and I am glad I restrained myself； for； when we got
into the churchyard； among the two or three people who were
standing by the open grave I saw Sally； in her ragged gray shawl
and her patched black bonnet。 She did not seem to notice me till
the last words of the service had been read and the clergyman had
gone away； then she came up and spoke to me。
〃I couldn't follow along with you；〃 she said； looking at her
ragged shawl； 〃for I haven't a decent suit of clothes to walk in。
I wish I could get vent in crying for her like you； but I can't；
all the crying's been drudged and starved out of me long ago。
Don't you think about lighting your fire when you get home。 I'll
do that； and get you a drop of tea to comfort you。〃
She seemed on the point of saying a kind word or two more； when；
seeing the beadle coming toward me； she drew back； as if she was
afraid of him； and left the churchyard。
〃Here's my subscription toward the funeral；〃 said the beadle；
giving me back his shilling fee。 〃Don't say anything about it；
for it mightn't be approved of in a business point of view； if it
came to some people's ears。 Has the landlord said anything more
to you？ no； I thought not。 He's too polite a man to give me the
trouble of pulling him up。 Don't stop crying here； my dear。 Take
the advice of a man familiar with funerals； and go home。〃
I tried to take his advice； but it seemed like deserting Mary to
go away when all the rest forsook her。
I waited about till the earth was thrown in and the man had left
the place； then I returned to the grave。 Oh； how bare and cruel
it was； without so much as a bit of green turf to soften it！ Oh；
how much harder it seemed to live than to die； when I stood alone
looking at the heavy piled…up lumps of clay； and thinking of what
was hidden beneath them！
I was driven home by my own despairing thoughts。 The sight of
Sally lighting the fire in my room eased my heart a little。 When
she was gone； I took up Robert's letter again to keep my mind
employed on the only subject in the world that has any interest
for it now。
This fresh reading increased the doubts I had already felt
relative to his having remained in America after writing to me。
My grief and forlornness have made a strange alteration in my
former feelings about his coming back。 I seem to have lost all my
prudence and self…denial； and to care so little about his
poverty； and so much about himself； that the prospect of his
return is really the only comforting thought I have now to
support me。 I know this is weak in me； and that his coming back
can l ead to no good result for either of us； but he is the only
living being left me to love； andI can't explain itbut I want
to put my arms round his neck and tell him about Mary。
March 14th。 I locked up the end of the cravat in my
writing…desk。 No change in the dreadful suspicions that the bare
sight of it rouses in me。 I tremble if I so much as touch it。
March 15th； 16th； 17th。 Work； work； work。 If I don't knock up；
I shall be able to pay back the advance in another week； and
then； with a little more pinching in my daily expenses； I may
succeed in saving a shilling or two to get some turf to put over
Mary's grave； and perhaps even a few flowers besides to grow
round it。
March 18th。 Thinking of Robert all day long。 Does this mean
that he is really coming back？ If it does； reckoning the distance
he is at from New York； and the time ships take to get to
England； I might see him by the end of April or the beginning of
May。
March 19th。 I don't remember my mind running once on the end of
the cravat yesterday； and I am certain I never looked at it； yet
I had the strangest dream concerning it at night。 I thought it
was lengthened into a long clew； like the silken thread that led
to Rosamond's Bower。 I thought I took hold of it； and followed it
a little way； and then got frightened and tried to go back； but
found that I was obliged； in spite of myself； to go on。 It led me
through a place like the Valley of the Shadow of Death； in an old
print I remember in my mother's copy of the Pilgrim's Progress。 I
seemed to be months and months following it without any respite；
till at last it brought me； on a sudden； face to face with an
angel whose eyes were like Mary's。 He said to me； 〃Go on； still；
the truth is at the end； waiting for you to find it。〃 I burst out
crying； for the angel had Mary's voice as well as Mary's eyes；
and woke with my heart throbbing and my cheeks all wet。 What is
the meaning of this？ Is it always superstitious； I wonder； to
believe that dreams may come true？
* * * * * * *
April 30th。 I have found it！ God knows to what results it may
lead； but it is as certain as that I am sitting here before my
journal that I have found the cravat from which the end in Mary's
hand was torn。 I discovered it last night； but the flutter I was
in； and the nervousness and uncertainty I felt； prevented me from
noting down this most extraordinary and unexpected event at the
time when it happened。 Let me try if I can preserve the memory of
it in writing now。
I was going home rather late from where I work； when I suddenly
remembered that I had forgotten to buy myself any candles the
evening before； and that I should be left in the dark if I did
not manage to rectify this mistake in some way。 The shop close to
me； at which I usually deal； would be shut up； I knew； before I
could get to it； so I determined to go into the first place I
passed where candles were sold。 This turned out to be a small
shop with two counters； which did business on one side in the
general grocery way； and on the other in the rag and bottle and
old iron line。
There were several customers on the grocery side when I went in；
so I waited on the empty rag side till I could be served。
Glancing about me here at the worthless…looking things by which I
was surrounded； my eye was caught by a bundle of rags lying on
the counter； as if they had just been brought in and left there。
From mere idle curiosity； I looked close at the rags； and saw
among them something like an old cravat。 I took it up directly
and held it under a gaslight。 The pattern was blurred lilac lines
running across and across the dingy black ground in a
trellis…work form。 I looked at the ends： one of them was torn
off。
How I managed to hide the breathless surprise into which this
discovery threw me I cannot say； but I certainly contrived to
steady my voice somehow； and to ask for my candles calmly when
the man and woman serving in the shop； having disposed of their
other customers； inquired of me what I wanted。
As the man took down the candles； my brain was all in a whirl
with trying to think how I could get possession of the old cravat
without exciting any suspicion。 Chance； and a little quickness on
my part in taking advantage of it； put the object within my reach
in a moment。 The man； having counted out the candles； asked the
woman for some paper to wrap them in。 She produced a piece much
too small and flimsy for the purpose； and declared； when he
called for something better； that the day's supply of stout paper
was all exhausted。 He flew into a rage with her for managing so
badly。 Just as they were beginning to quarrel violently； I
stepped back to the rag…counter； took the old cravat carelessly
out of the bundle； and said； in as light a tone as I could
possibly assume：
〃Come； come； don't let my candles be the cause of hard words
between you。 Tie this ragged old thing round them with a bit of
string； and I shall carry them home quite comfortably。〃
The man seemed disposed to insist on the stout paper being
produced； but the woman； as if she was glad of an opportunity of
spiting him； snatched the candles away； and tied them up in a
moment in the torn old cravat。 I was afraid he would have struck
her before my face； he seemed in such a fury； but； fortunately；
another customer came in； and obliged him to put his hands to
peaceable and proper use。？
〃Quite a bundle of all…sorts on the opposite counter there；〃 I
said to the woman； as I paid her for the candles。
〃Yes； and all hoarded up for sale by a poor creature with a lazy
brute of a husband； who lets his wife do all the work while he
spends all the money；〃 answered the woman； with a malicious look
at the man by her side。
〃He can't surely have much money to spend； if his wife has no
better work to do than picking up rags；〃 said I。
〃It isn't her fault if she hasn't got no better；〃 says the woman；
rather angrily。 〃She's ready to turn her hand to anything。
Charing； washing； laying…out； keeping empty housesnothing comes
amiss to her。 Sh