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as ridiculous？ The great city； in fact； seems to have set herself to give encouragement to vice and to this alone； for a young man finds that the entrance to every honorable career in which he might look for success is barred by hindrances even more numerous than the snares that are continually set for him； so that through his weaknesses he may be robbed of his money。
〃For a long while I went every evening to some theatre； and little by little I fell into idle ways。 I grew more and more slack over my work； even my most pressing tasks were apt to be put off till the morrow； and before very long there was an end of my search after knowledge for its own sake； I did nothing more than the work which was absolutely required to enable me to get through the examinations that must be passed before I could become a doctor。 I attended the public lectures； but I no longer paid any attention to the professors； who； in my opinion； were a set of dotards。 I had already broken my idolsI became a Parisian。
〃To be brief； I led the aimless drifting life of a young； provincial thrown into the heart of a great city； still retaining some good and true feeling； still clinging more or less to the observance of certain rules of conduct； still fighting in vain against the debasing influence of evil examples； though I offered but a feeble； half… hearted resistance； for the enemy had accomplices within me。 Yes； sir； my face is not misleading； past storms have plainly left their traces there。 Yet； since I had drunk so deeply of the pure fountain of religion in my early youth； I was haunted in the depths of my soul；
through all my wanderings； by an ideal of moral perfection which could not fail one day to bring me back to God by the paths of weariness and remorse。 Is not he who feels the pleasures of earth most keenly； sure to be attracted； soon or late； by the fruits of heaven？
〃At first I went through the experience； more or less vivid； that always comes with youththe countless moments of exultation； the unnumbered transports of despair。 Sometimes I took my vehement energy of feeling for a resolute will； and over…estimated my powers； sometimes； at the mere sight of some trifling obstacle with which I was about to come into collision； I was far more cast down than I ought to have been。 Then I would devise vast plans； would dream of glory； and betake myself to work； but a pleasure party would divert me from the noble projects based on so infirm a purpose。 Vague recollections of these great abortive schemes of mine left a deceptive glow in my soul and fostered my belief in myself； without giving me the energy to produce。 In my indolent self…sufficiency I was in a very fair way to become a fool； for what is a fool but a man who fails to justify the excellent opinion which he has formed of himself？ My energy was directed towards no definite aims； I wished for the flowers of life without the toil of cultivating them。 I had no idea of the obstacles； so I imagined that everything was easy； luck； I thought； accounted for success in science and in business； and genius was charlatanism。 I took it for granted that I should be a great man； because there was the power of becoming one within me； so I discounted all my future glory； without giving a thought to the patience required for the conception of a great work； nor of the execution； in the course of which all the difficulties of the task appear。
〃The sources of my amusements were soon exhausted。 The charm of the theatre does not last for very long； and； for a poor student； Paris shortly became an empty wilderness。 They were dull and uninteresting people that I met with in the circle of the family with whom I lived； but these； and an old man who had now lost touch with the world； were all the society that I had。
〃So； like every young man who takes a dislike to the career marked out for him； I rambled about the streets for whole days together； I strolled along the quays； through the museums and public gardens； making no attempt to arrive at a clear understanding of my position； and without a single definite idea in my head。 The burden of unemployed energies is more felt at that age than at any other； there is such an abundance of vitality running to waste； so much activity without result。 I had no idea of the power that a resolute will puts into the hands of a man in his youth； for when he has ideas and puts his whole heart and soul into the work of carrying them out； his strength is yet further increased by the undaunted courage of youthful convictions。
〃Childhood in its simplicity knows nothing of the perils of life； youth sees both its vastness and its difficulties； and at the prospect the courage of youth sometimes flags。 We are still serving our apprenticeship to life； we are new to the business； a kind of faint… heartedness overpowers us； and leaves us in an almost dazed condition of mind。 We feel that we are helpless aliens in a strange country。 At all ages we shrink back involuntarily from the unknown。 And a young man is very much like the soldier who will walk up to the cannon's mouth； and is put to flight by a ghost。 He hesitates among the maxims of the world。 The rules of attack and of self…defence are alike unknown to him； he can neither give nor take； he is attracted by women； and stands in awe of them； his very good qualities tell against him； he is all generosity and modesty； and completely innocent of mercenary designs。 Pleasure and not interest is his object when he tells a lie； and among many dubious courses； the conscience； with which as yet he has not juggled； points out to him the right way； which he is slow to take。
〃There are men whose lives are destined to be shaped by the impulses of their hearts； rather than by any reasoning process that takes place in their heads； and such natures as these will remain for a long while in the position that I have described。 This was my own case。 I became the plaything of two contending impulses； the desires of youth were always held in check by a faint…hearted sentimentality。 Life in Paris is a cruel ordeal for impressionable natures； the great inequalities of fortune or of position inflame their souls and stir up bitter feelings。 In that world of magnificence and pettiness envy is more apt to be a dagger than a spur。 You are bound either to fall a victim or to become a partisan in this incessant strife of ambitions； desires； and hatreds； in the midst of which you are placed； and by slow degrees the picture of vice triumphant and virtue made ridiculous produces its effect on a young man； and he wavers； life in Paris soon rubs the bloom from conscience； the infernal work of demoralization has begun； and is soon accomplished。 The first of pleasures； that which at the outset comprehends all the others； is set about with such perils that it is impossible not to reflect upon the least actions which it provokes； impossible not to calculate all its consequences。 These calculations lead to selfishness。 If some poor student； carried away by an impassioned enthusiasm； is fain to rise above selfish considerations； the suspicious attitude of those about him makes him pause and doubt； it is so hard not to share their mistrust； so difficult not to be on his guard against his own generous thoughts。 His heart is seared and contracted by this struggle； the current of life sets toward the brain； and the callousness of the Parisian is the resultthe condition of things in which schemes for power and wealth are concealed by the most charming frivolity； and lurk beneath the sentimental transports that take the place of enthusiasm。 The simplest…natured woman in Paris always keeps a clear head even in the intoxication of happiness。
〃This atmosphere was bound to affect my opinions and my conduct。 The errors that have poisoned my life would have lain lightly on many a conscience； but we in the South have a religious faith that leads us to believe in a future life； and in the truths set forth by the Catholic Church。 These beliefs give depth and gravity to every feeling； and to remorse a terrible and lasting power。
〃The army were masters of society at the time when I was studying medicine。 In order to shine in women's eyes； one had to be a colonel at the very least。 A poor student counted for absolutely nothing。 Goaded by the strength of my desires； and finding no outlet for them； hampered at every step and in every wish by the want of money； looking on study and fame as too slow a means of arriving at the pleasures that tempted me； drawn one way by my inward scruples； and another by evil examples； meeting with every facility for low dissipation； and finding nothing but hindrances barring the way to good society； I passed my days in wretchedness； overwhelmed by a surging tumult of desires； and by indolence of the most deadly kind； utterly cast down at times； only to be as suddenly elated。
〃The catastrophe which at length put an end to this crisis was commonplace enough。 The thought of troubling the peace of a household has always been repugnant to me； and not only so； I could not dissemble my feelings； the instinct of sincerity was too strong in me； I should have found it a physical impossibility to lead a life of glaring falsity。 There is for me but little attrac