按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
extreme irascibility without adequate cause； hasty in action in
hazardous cases to a degree that alarmed me。 Sometimes he showed
glimpses of the brave gentleman of Conde's army； parabolic flashes of
will such as may； in times of emergency； tear through politics like
bomb…shells； and may also； by virtue of honesty and courage； make a
man condemned to live buried on his property an Elbee； a Bonchamp； or
a Charette。 In presence of certain ideas his nostril contracted； his
forehead cleared； and his eyes shot lightnings； which were soon
quenched。 Sometimes I feared he might detect the language of my eyes
and kill me。 I was young then and merely tender。 Will； that force that
alters men so strangely； had scarcely dawned within me。 My passionate
desires shook me with an emotion that was like the throes of fear。
Death I feared not； but I would not die until I knew the happiness of
mutual loveBut how tell of what I felt！ I was a prey to perplexity；
I hoped for some fortunate chance； I watched； I made the children love
me； I tried to identify myself with the family。
Little by little the count restrained himself less in my presence。 I
came to know his sudden outbreaks of temper； his deep and ceaseless
melancholy； his flashes of brutality； his bitter； cutting complaints；
his cold hatreds； his impulses of latent madness； his childish moans；
his cries of a man's despair； his unexpected fury。 The moral nature
differs from the physical nature inasmuch as nothing is absolute in
it。 The force of effects is in direct proportion to the characters or
the ideas which are grouped around some fact。 My position at
Clochegourde； my future life； depended on this one eccentric will。
I cannot describe to you the distress that filled my soul （as quick in
those days to expand as to contract）； whenever I entered Clochegourde；
and asked myself； 〃How will he receive me？〃 With what anxiety of heart
I saw the clouds collecting on that stormy brow。 I lived in a
perpetual 〃qui…vive。〃 I fell under the dominion of that man； and the
sufferings I endured taught me to understand those of Madame de
Mortsauf。 We began by exchanging looks of comprehension； tried by the
same fire； how many discoveries I made during those first forty days！
of actual bitterness； of tacit joys； of hopes alternately submerged
and buoyant。 One evening I found her pensively watching a sunset which
reddened the summits with so ravishing a glow that it was impossible
not to listen to that voice of the eternal Song of Songs by which
Nature herself bids all her creatures love。 Did the lost illusions of
her girlhood return to her？ Did the woman suffer from an inward
comparison？ I fancied I perceived a desolation in her attitude that
was favorable to my first appeal； and I said； 〃Some days are hard to
bear。〃
〃You read my soul；〃 she answered； 〃but how have you done so？〃
〃We touch at many points；〃 I replied。 〃Surely we belong to the small
number of human beings born to the highest joys and the deepest
sorrows； whose feeling qualities vibrate in unison and echo each other
inwardly； whose sensitive natures are in harmony with the principle of
things。 Put such beings among surroundings where all is discord and
they suffer horribly； just as their happiness mounts to exaltation
when they meet ideas； or feelings； or other beings who are congenial
to them。 But there is still a third condition； where sorrows are known
only to souls affected by the same distress； in this alone is the
highest fraternal comprehension。 It may happen that such souls find no
outlet either for good or evil。 Then the organ within us endowed with
expression and motion is exercised in a void； expends its passion
without an object； utters sounds without melody； and cries that are
lost in solitude；terrible defeat of a soul which revolts against the
inutility of nothingness。 These are struggles in which our strength
oozes away without restraint； as blood from an inward wound。 The
sensibilities flow to waste and the result is a horrible weakening of
the soul； an indescribable melancholy for which the confessional
itself has no ears。 Have I not expressed our mutual sufferings？〃
She shuddered； and then without removing her eyes from the setting
sun； she said； 〃How is it that； young as you are； you know these
things？ Were you once a woman？〃
〃Ah！〃 I replied； 〃my childhood was like a long illness〃
〃I hear Madeleine coughing；〃 she cried； leaving me abruptly。
The countess showed no displeasure at my constant visits； and for two
reasons。 In the first place she was pure as a child； and her thoughts
wandered into no forbidden regions； in the next I amused the count and
made a sop for that lion without claws or mane。 I found an excuse for
my visits which seemed plausible to every one。 Monsieur de Mortsauf
proposed to teach me backgammon； and I accepted； as I did so the
countess was betrayed into a look of compassion； which seemed to say；
〃You are flinging yourself into the jaws of the lion。〃 If I did not
understand this at the time； three days had not passed before I knew
what I had undertaken。 My patience； which nothing exhausts； the fruit
of my miserable childhood； ripened under this last trial。 The count
was delighted when he could jeer at me for not putting in practice the
principles or the rules he had explained； if I reflected before I
played he complained of my slowness； if I played fast he was angry
because I hurried him； if I forgot to mark my points he declared；
making his profit out of the mistake； that I was always too rapid。 It
was like the tyranny of a schoolmaster； the despotism of the rod； of
which I can really give you no idea unless I compare myself to
Epictetus under the yoke of a malicious child。 When we played for
money his winnings gave him the meanest and most abject delight。
A word from his wife was enough to console me； and it frequently
recalled him to a sense of politeness and good…breeding。 But before
long I fell into the furnace of an unexpected misery。 My money was
disappearing under these losses。 Though the count was always present
during my visits until I left the house； which was sometimes very
late； I cherished the hope of finding some moment when I might say a
word that would reach my idol's heart； but to obtain that moment； for
which I watched and waited with a hunter's painful patience； I was
forced to continue these weary games； during which my feelings were
lacerated and my money lost。 Still； there were moments when we were
silent； she and I； looking at the sunlight on the meadows； the clouds
in a gray sky； the misty hills； or the quivering of the moon on the
sandbanks of the river； saying only； 〃Night is beautiful！〃
〃Night is woman； madame。〃
〃What tranquillity！〃
〃Yes； no one can be absolutely wretched here。〃
Then she would return to her embroidery frame。 I came at last to hear
the inward beatings of an affection which sought its object。 But the
fact remainedwithout money； farewell to these evenings。 I wrote to
my mother to send me some。 She scolded me and sent only enough to last
a week。 Where could I get more？ My life depended on it。 Thus it
happened that in the dawn of my first great happiness I found the same
sufferings that assailed me elsewhere； but in Paris； at college； at
school I evaded them by abstinence； there my privations were negative；
at Frapesle they were active； so active that I was possessed by the
impulse to theft； by visions of crime； furious desperations which rend
the soul and must be subdued under pain of losing our self…respect。
The memory of what I suffered through my mother's parsimony taught me
that indulgence for young men which one who has stood upon the brink
of the abyss and measured its depths； without falling into them； must
inevitably feel。 Though my own rectitude was strengthened by those
moments when life opened and let me see the rocks and quicksands
beneath the surface； I have never known that terrible thing called
human justice draw its blade through the throat of a criminal without
saying to myself： 〃Penal laws are made by men who have never known
misery。〃
At this crisis I happened to find a treatise on backgammon in Monsieur
de Chessel's library； and I studied it。 My host was kind enough to
give me a few lessons； less harshly taught by the count I made good
progress and applied the rules and calculations I knew by heart。
Within a few days I was able to beat Monsieur de Mortsauf； but no
sooner had I done so and won his money for the first time than his
temper became intolerable； his eyes glittered like those of tigers；
his face shrivelled； his brows knit as I never saw brows knit before
or since。 His complainings were those of a fretful child。 Sometimes he
flung down the dice； quivered with rage； bit the dice…box； and said
insulting things to me。 Such violence； however； came to an end。 When I
had acquired enough mastery of the game I played it to suit me； I so
managed that we were nearly equal up to the last moment； I allowed him
to win the first half and made matters even during the last half。 The
end of the world would have surprised him less than the rapid
superiority of his pupil； but he never admitted it。 The unvarying