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the heart and dry all tears when the hour of parting comes。 Tortured
yesterday and to…day； wounded by all； even by the suffering children
who were guiltless of the ills they endured； how could that poor soul
fail to love the one human being who did not strike her； who would
fain have built a wall of defence around her to guard her from storms；
from harsh contacts and cruel blows？ Though I suffered from a
knowledge of these debates； there were moments when I was happy in the
sense that she rested upon my heart； for she told me of these new
troubles。 Day by day I learned more fully the meaning of her words；
〃Love me as my aunt loved me。〃
〃Have you no ambition？〃 the duchess said to me at dinner； with a stern
air。
〃Madame；〃 I replied； giving her a serious look； 〃I have enough in me
to conquer the world； but I am only twenty…one； and I am all alone。〃
She looked at her daughter with some astonishment。 Evidently she
believed that Henriette had crushed my ambition in order to keep me
near her。 The visit of Madame de Lenoncourt was a period of unrelieved
constraint。 The countess begged me to be cautious； she was frightened
by the least kind word； to please her I wore the harness of deceit。
The great Thursday came； it was a day of wearisome ceremonial；one of
those stiff days which lovers hate； when their chair is no longer in
its place； and the mistress of the house cannot be with them。 Love has
a horror of all that does not concern itself。 But the duchess returned
at last to the pomps and vanities of the court； and Clochegourde
recovered its accustomed order。
My little quarrel with the count resulted in making me more at home in
the house than ever； I could go there at all times without hindrance；
and the antecedents of my life inclined me to cling like a climbing
plant to the beautiful soul which had opened to me the enchanting
world of shared emotions。 Every hour； every minute； our fraternal
marriage； founded on trust； became a surer thing； each of us settled
firmly into our own position； the countess enfolded me with her
nurturing care； with the white draperies of a love that was wholly
maternal； while my love for her； seraphic in her presence； seared me
as with hot irons when away from her。 I loved her with a double love
which shot its arrows of desire； and then lost them in the sky； where
they faded out of sight in the impermeable ether。 If you ask me why；
young and ardent； I continued in the deluding dreams of Platonic love；
I must own to you that I was not yet man enough to torture that woman；
who was always in dread of some catastrophe to her children； always
fearing some outburst of her husband's stormy temper； martyrized by
him when not afflicted by the illness of Jacques or Madeleine； and
sitting beside one or the other of them when her husband allowed her a
little rest。 The mere sound of too warm a word shook her whole being；
a desire shocked her； what she needed was a veiled love； support
mingled with tenderness；that； in short； which she gave to others。
Then； need I tell you； who are so truly feminine？ this situation
brought with it hours of delightful languor； moments of divine
sweetness and content which followed by secret immolation。 Her
conscience was； if I may call it so； contagious； her self…devotion
without earthly recompense awed me by its persistence； the living；
inward piety which was the bond of her other virtues filled the air
about her with spiritual incense。 Besides； I was young；young enough
to concentrate my whole being on the kiss she allowed me too seldom to
lay upon her hand； of which she gave me only the back； and never the
palm； as though she drew the line of sensual emotions there。 No two
souls ever clasped each other with so much ardor； no bodies were ever
more victoriously annihilated。 Later I understood the cause of this
sufficing joy。 At my age no worldly interests distracted my heart； no
ambitions blocked the stream of a love which flowed like a torrent；
bearing all things on its bosom。 Later； we love the woman in a woman；
but the first woman we love is the whole of womanhood； her children
are ours； her interests are our interests； her sorrows our greatest
sorrow； we love her gown； the familiar things about her； we are more
grieved by a trifling loss of hers than if we knew we had lost
everything。 This is the sacred love that makes us live in the being of
another； whereas later； alas！ we draw another life into ours； and
require a woman to enrich our pauper spirit with her young soul。
I was now one of the household； and I knew for the first time an
infinite sweetness； which to a nature bruised as mine was like a bath
to a weary body； the soul is refreshed in every fibre； comforted to
its very depths。 You will hardly understand me； for you are a woman；
and I am speaking now of a happiness women give but do not receive。 A
man alone knows the choice happiness of being； in the midst of a
strange household； the privileged friend of its mistress； the secret
centre of her affections。 No dog barks at you； the servants； like the
dogs； recognize your rights； the children （who are never misled； and
know that their power cannot be lessened； and that you cherish the
light of their life）； the children possess the gift of divination；
they play with you like kittens and assume the friendly tyranny they
show only to those they love； they are full of intelligent discretion
and come and go on tiptoe without noise。 Every one hastens to do you
service； all like you； and smile upon you。 True passions are like
beautiful flowers all the more charming to the eye when they grow in a
barren soil。
But if I enjoyed the delightful benefits of naturalization in a family
where I found relations after my own heart； I had also to pay some
costs for it。 Until then Monsieur de Mortsauf had more or less
restrained himself before me。 I had only seen his failings in the
mass； I was now to see the full extent of their application and
discover how nobly charitable the countess had been in the account she
had given me of these daily struggles。 I learned now all the angles of
her husband's intolerable nature； I heard his perpetual scolding about
nothing； complaints of evils of which not a sign existed； I saw the
inward dissatisfaction which poisoned his life； and the incessant need
of his tyrannical spirit for new victims。 When we went to walk in the
evenings he selected the way； but whichever direction we took he was
always bored； when we reached home he blamed others； his wife had
insisted on going where she wanted； why was he governed by her in all
the trifling things of life？ was he to have no will； no thought of his
own？ must he consent to be a cipher in his own house？ If his harshness
was to be received in patient silence he was angry because he felt a
limit to his power； he asked sharply if religion did not require a
wife to please her husband； and whether it was proper to despise the
father of her children？ He always ended by touching some sensitive
chord in his wife's mind； and he seemed to find a domineering pleasure
in making it sound。 Sometimes he tried gloomy silence and a morbid
depression； which always alarmed his wife and made her pay him the
most tender attentions。 Like petted children； who exercise their power
without thinking of the distress of their mother； he would let her
wait upon him as upon Jacques and Madeleine； of whom he was jealous。
I discovered at last that in small things as well as in great ones the
count acted towards his servants； his children； his wife； precisely as
he had acted to me about the backgammon。 The day when I understood；
root and branch； these difficulties； which like a rampant overgrowth
repressed the actions and stifled the breathing of the whole family；
hindered the management of the household and retarded the improvement
of the estate by complicating the most necessary acts； I felt an
admiring awe which rose higher than my love and drove it back into my
heart。 Good God！ what was I？ Those tears that I had taken on my lips
solemnized my spirit； I found happiness in wedding the sufferings of
that woman。 Hitherto I had yielded to the count's despotism as the
smuggler pays his fine； henceforth I was a voluntary victim that I
might come the nearer to her。 The countess understood me； allowed me a
place beside her； and gave me permission to share her sorrows； like
the repentant apostate； eager to rise to heaven with his brethren； I
obtained the favor of dying in the arena。
〃Were it not for you I must have succumbed under this life；〃 Henriette
said to me one evening when the count had been； like the flies on a
hot day； more stinging； venomous； and persistent than usual。
He had gone to bed。 Henriette and I remained under the acacias； the
children were playing about us； bathed in the setting sun。 Our few
exclamatory words revealed the mutuality of the thoughts in which we
rested from our common sufferings。 When language failed silence as
faithfully served our souls； which seemed to enter one another without
hindrance； together they luxuriated in the charms of pensive languor；
they met in the undulations of the same dream； they plunged as one
into the river and