按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
them； a loving woman would rather see her lover die than know him
happy with another。 Thus； look at it as I would； my situation； after I
had once left Clochegourde for the Grenadiere； was as fatal to the
love of my choice as it was profitable to the transient love that held
me。 Lady Dudley had calculated all this with consummate cleverness。
She owned to me later that if she had not met Madame de Mortsauf on
the moor she had intended to compromise me by haunting Clochegourde
until she did so。
When I met the countess that morning； and found her pale and depressed
like one who has not slept all night； I was conscious of exercising
the instinctive perception given to hearts still fresh and generous to
show them the true bearing of actions little regarded by the world at
large； but judged as criminal by lofty spirits。 Like a child going
down a precipice in play and gathering flowers； who sees with dread
that it can never climb that height again； feels itself alone； with
night approaching； and hears the howls of animals； so I now knew that
she and I were separated by a universe。 A wail arose within our souls
like an echo of that woeful 〃Consummatum est〃 heard in the churches on
Good Friday at the hour the Saviour died；a dreadful scene which awes
young souls whose first love is religion。 All Henriette's illusions
were killed at one blow； her heart had endured its passion。 She did
not look at me； she refused me the light that for six long years had
shone upon my life。 She knew well that the spring of the effulgent
rays shed by our eyes was in our souls； to which they served as
pathways to reach each other； to blend them in one； meeting； parting；
playing； like two confiding women who tell each other all。 Bitterly I
felt the wrong of bringing beneath this roof； where pleasure was
unknown； a face on which the wings of pleasure had shaken their
prismatic dust。 If； the night before； I had allowed Lady Dudley to
depart alone； if I had then returned to Clochegourde； where； it may
be； Henriette awaited me； perhapsperhaps Madame de Mortsauf might
not so cruelly have resolved to be my sister。 But now she paid me many
ostentatious attentions；playing her part vehemently for the very
purpose of not changing it。 During breakfast she showed me a thousand
civilities； humiliating attentions； caring for me as though I were a
sick man whose fate she pitied。
〃You were out walking early；〃 said the count； 〃I hope you have brought
back a good appetite； you whose stomach is not yet destroyed。〃
This remark； which brought the smile of a sister to Henriette's lips；
completed my sense of the ridicule of my position。 It was impossible
to be at Clochegourde by day and Saint…Cyr by night。 During the day I
felt how difficult it was to become the friend of a woman we have long
loved。 The transition； easy enough when years have brought it about；
is like an illness in youth。 I was ashamed； I cursed the pleasure Lady
Dudley gave me； I wished that Henriette would demand my blood。 I could
not tear her rival in pieces before her； for she avoided speaking of
her； indeed； had I spoken of Arabella； Henriette； noble and sublime to
the inmost recesses of her heart； would have despised my infamy。 After
five years of delightful intercourse we now had nothing to say to each
other； our words had no connection with our thoughts； we were hiding
from each other our intolerable pain；we； whose mutual sufferings had
been our first interpreter。
Henriette assumed a cheerful look for me as for herself； but she was
sad。 She spoke of herself as my sister； and yet found no ground on
which to converse； and we remained for the greater part of the time in
constrained silence。 She increased my inward misery by feigning to
believe that she was the only victim。
〃I suffer more than you；〃 I said to her at a moment when my self…
styled sister was betrayed into a feminine sarcasm。
〃How so？〃 she said haughtily。
〃Because I am the one to blame。〃
At last her manner became so cold and indifferent that I resolved to
leave Clochegourde。 That evening； on the terrace； I said farewell to
the whole family； who were there assembled。 They all followed me to
the lawn where my horse was waiting。 The countess came to me as I took
the bridle in my hand。
〃Let us walk down the avenue together； alone；〃 she said。
I gave her my arm； and we passed through the courtyard with slow and
measured steps； as though our rhythmic movement were consoling to us。
When we reached the grove of trees which forms a corner of the
boundary she stopped。
〃Farewell； my friend；〃 she said； throwing her head upon my breast and
her arms around my neck； 〃Farewell； we shall never meet again。 God has
given me the sad power to look into the future。 Do you remember the
terror that seized me the day you first came back； so young； so
handsome！ and I saw you turn your back on me as you do this day when
you are leaving Clochegourde and going to Saint…Cyr？ Well； once again；
during the past night I have seen into the future。 Friend； we are
speaking together for the last time。 I can hardly now say a few words
to you； for it is but a part of me that speaks at all。 Death has
already seized on something in me。 You have taken the mother from her
children； I now ask you to take her place to them。 You can； Jacques
and Madeleine love youas if you had always made them suffer。〃
〃Death！〃 I cried； frightened as I looked at her and beheld the fire of
her shining eyes； of which I can give no idea to those who have never
known their dear ones struck down by her fatal malady； unless I
compare those eyes to balls of burnished silver。 〃Die！〃 I said。
〃Henriette； I command you to live。 You used to ask an oath of me； I
now ask one of you。 Swear to me that you will send for Origet and obey
him in everything。〃
〃Would you oppose the mercy of God？〃 she said； interrupting me with a
cry of despair at being thus misunderstood。
〃You do not love me enough to obey me blindly； as that miserable Lady
Dudley does？〃
〃Yes； yes； I will do all you ask；〃 she cried； goaded by jealousy。
〃Then I stay；〃 I said； kissing her on the eyelids。
Frightened at the words； she escaped from my arms and leaned against a
tree； then she turned and walked rapidly homeward without looking
back。 But I followed her； she was weeping and praying。 When we reached
the lawn I took her hand and kissed it respectfully。 This submission
touched her。
〃I am yoursforever； and as you will；〃 I said； 〃for I love you as
your aunt loved you。〃
She trembled and wrung my hand。
〃One look；〃 I said； 〃one more； one last of our old looks！ The woman
who gives herself wholly；〃 I cried； my soul illumined by the glance
she gave me； 〃gives less of life and soul than I have now received。
Henriette； thou art my best…belovedmy only love。〃
〃I shall live！〃 she said； 〃but cure yourself as well。〃
That look had effaced the memory of Arabella's sarcasms。 Thus I was
the plaything of the two irreconcilable passions I have now described
to you； I was influenced by each alternately。 I loved an angel and a
demon； two women equally beautiful；one adorned with all the virtues
which we decry through hatred of our own imperfections； the other with
all the vices which we deify through selfishness。 Returning along that
avenue； looking back again and again at Madame de Mortsauf； as she
leaned against a tree surrounded by her children who waved their
handkerchiefs； I detected in my soul an emotion of pride in finding
myself the arbiter of two such destinies； the glory； in ways so
different； of women so distinguished； proud of inspiring such great
passions that death must come to whichever I abandoned。 Ah！ believe
me； that passing conceit has been doubly punished！
I know not what demon prompted me to remain with Arabella and await
the moment when the death of the count might give me Henriette； for
she would ever love me。 Her harshness； her tears； her remorse； her
Christian resignation； were so many eloquent signs of a sentiment that
could no more be effaced from her heart than from mine。 Walking slowly
down that pretty avenue and making these reflections； I was no longer
twenty…five； I was fifty years old。 A man passes in a moment； even
more quickly than a woman； from youth to middle age。 Though long ago I
drove these evil thoughts away from me； I was then possessed by them；
I must avow it。 Perhaps I owed their presence in my mind to the
Tuileries； to the king's cabinet。 Who could resist the polluting
spirit of Louis XVIII。？
When I reached the end of the avenue I turned and rushed back in the
twinkling of an eye； seeing that Henriette was still there； and alone！
I went to bid her a last farewell； bathed in repentant tears； the
cause of which she never knew。 Tears sincere indeed； given； although I
knew it not； to noble loves forever lost； to virgin emotionsthose
flowers of our life which cannot bloom again。 Later； a man gives
nothing； he receives； he loves himself in his mistress； but in youth
he loves his mistress in himself。 Later； we inoculate with our tastes；
perhaps our vices； the woman who loves us； but in the dawn of life she
whom we love conveys to us her virtues； her conscience。 She invit