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myself if Henriette's virtue were not； after all； that of ignorance；
and if I were indeed guilty of her death。 I fought against remorse。 At
last； in the sweetness of an autumn midday； one of those last smiles
of heaven which are so beautiful in Touraine； I read the letter which
at her request I was not to open before her death。 Judge of my
feelings as I read it。
Madame de Mortsauf to the Vicomte Felix de Vandenesse：
Felix； friend； loved too well； I must now lay bare my heart to
you；not so much to prove my love as to show you the weight of
obligation you have incurred by the depth and gravity of the
wounds you have inflicted on it。 At this moment； when I sink
exhausted by the toils of life； worn out by the shocks of its
battle； the woman within me is； mercifully； dead； the mother alone
survives。 Dear； you are now to see how it was that you were the
original cause of all my sufferings。 Later； I willingly received
your blows； to…day I am dying of the final wound your hand has
given；but there is joy； excessive joy in feeling myself
destroyed by him I love。
My physical sufferings will soon put an end to my mental strength；
I therefore use the last clear gleams of intelligence to implore
you to befriend my children and replace the heart of which you
have deprived them。 I would solemnly impose this duty upon you if
I loved you less； but I prefer to let you choose it for yourself
as an act of sacred repentance； and also in faithful continuance
of your lovelove； for us； was ever mingled with repentant
thoughts and expiatory fears！ butI know it wellwe shall
forever love each other。 Your wrong to me was not so fatal an act
in itself as the power which I let it have within me。 Did I not
tell you I was jealous； jealous unto death？ Well； I die of it。
But； be comforted； we have kept all human laws。 The Church has
told me； by one of her purest voices； that God will be forgiving
to those who subdue their natural desires to His commandments。 My
beloved； you are now to know all； for I would not leave you in
ignorance of any thought of mine。 What I confide to God in my last
hour you； too； must know；you； king of my heart as He is King of
Heaven。
Until the ball given to the Duc d'Angouleme （the only ball at
which I was ever present）； marriage had left me in that ignorance
which gives to the soul of a young girl the beauty of the angels。
True； I was a mother； but love had never surrounded me with its
permitted pleasures。 How did this happen？ I do not know； neither
do I know by what law everything within me changed in a moment。
You remember your kisses？ they have mastered my life； they have
furrowed my soul； the ardor of your blood awoke the ardor of mine；
your youth entered my youth； your desires my soul。 When I rose and
left you proudly I was filled with an emotion for which I know no
name in any languagefor children have not yet found a word to
express the marriage of their eyes with light； nor the kiss of
life laid upon their lips。 Yes； it was sound coming in the echo；
light flashing through the darkness； motion shaking the universe；
at least； it was rapid like all these things； but far more
beautiful； for it was the birth of the soul！ I comprehended then
that something； I knew not what； existed for me in the world；a
force nobler than thought； for it was all thoughts； all forces； it
was the future itself in a shared emotion。 I felt I was but half a
mother。 Falling thus upon my heart this thunderbolt awoke desires
which slumbered there without my knowledge； suddenly I divined all
that my aunt had meant when she kissed my forehead； murmuring；
〃Poor Henriette！〃
When I returned to Clochegourde； the springtime； the first leaves；
the fragrance of the flowers； the white and fleecy clouds； the
Indre； the sky； all spoke to me in a language till then unknown。
If you have forgotten those terrible kisses； I have never been
able to efface them from my memory；I am dying of them！ Yes； each
time that I have met you since； their impress is revived。 I was
shaken from head to foot when I first saw you； the mere
presentiment of your coming overcame me。 Neither time nor my firm
will has enabled me to conquer that imperious sense of pleasure。 I
asked myself involuntarily； 〃What must be such joys？〃 Our mutual
looks； the respectful kisses you laid upon my hand； the pressure
of my arm on yours； your voice with its tender tones；all； even
the slightest things； shook me so violently that clouds obscured
my sight； the murmur of rebellious senses filled my ears。 Ah！ if
in those moments when outwardly I increased my coldness you had
taken me in your arms I should have died of happiness。 Sometimes I
desired it； but prayer subdued the evil thought。 Your name uttered
by my children filled my heart with warmer blood； which gave color
to my cheeks； I laid snares for my poor Madeleine to induce her to
say it； so much did I love the tumults of that sensation。 Ah！ what
shall I say to you？ Your writing had a charm； I gazed at your
letters as we look at a portrait。
If on that first day you obtained some fatal power over me；
conceive； dear friend； how infinite that power became when it was
given to me to read your soul。 What delights filled me when I
found you so pure； so absolutely truthful； gifted with noble
qualities； capable of noblest things； and already so tried！ Man
and child； timid yet brave！ What joy to find we both were
consecrated by a common grief！ Ever since that evening when we
confided our childhoods to each other； I have known that to lose
you would be death；yes； I have kept you by me selfishly。 The
certainty felt by Monsieur de la Berge that I should die if I lost
you touched him deeply； for he read my soul。 He knew how necessary
I was to my children and the count； he did not command me to
forbid you my house； for I promised to continue pure in deed and
thought。 〃Thought；〃 he said to me； 〃is involuntary； but it can be
watched even in the midst of anguish。〃 〃If I think；〃 I replied；
〃all will be lost； save me from myself。 Let him remain beside me
and keep me pure！〃 The good old man； though stern； was moved by my
sincerity。 〃Love him as you would a son； and give him your
daughter；〃 he said。 I accepted bravely that life of suffering that
I might not lose you； and I suffered joyfully； seeing that we were
called to bear the same yokeMy God！ I have been firm； faithful
to my husband； I have given you no foothold； Felix； in your
kingdom。 The grandeur of my passion has reacted on my character； I
have regarded the tortures Monsieur de Mortsauf has inflicted on
me as expiations； I bore them proudly in condemnation of my faulty
desires。 Formerly I was disposed to murmur at my life； but since
you entered it I have recovered some gaiety； and this has been the
better for the count。 Without this strength； which I derived
through you； I should long since have succumbed to the inward life
of which I told you。
If you have counted for much in the exercise of my duty so have my
children also。 I felt I had deprived them of something； and I
feared I could never do enough to make amends to them； my life was
thus a continual struggle which I loved。 Feeling that I was less a
mother； less an honest wife； remorse entered my heart； fearing to
fail in my obligations； I constantly went beyond them。 Often have
I put Madeleine between you and me； giving you to each other；
raising barriers between us；barriers that were powerless！ for
what could stifle the emotions which you caused me？ Absent or
present； you had the same power。 I preferred Madeleine to Jacques
because Madeleine was sometime to be yours。 But I did not yield
you to my daughter without a struggle。 I told myself that I was
only twenty…eight when I first met you； and you were nearly
twenty…two； I shortened the distance between us； I gave myself up
to delusive hopes。 Oh； Felix！ I tell you these things to save you
from remorse； also； perhaps； to show you that I was not cold and
insensible； that our sufferings were cruelly mutual； that Arabella
had no superiority of love over mine。 I too am the daughter of a
fallen race； such as men love well。
There came a moment when the struggle was so terrible that I wept
the long nights through； my hair fell off；you have it！ Do you
remember the count's illness？ Your nobility of soul far from
raising my soul belittled it。 Alas！ I dreamed of giving myself to
you some day as the reward of so much heroism； but the folly was a
brief one。 I laid it at the feet of God during the mass that day
when you refused to be with me。 Jacques' illness and Madeleine's
sufferings seemed to me the warnings of God calling back to Him
His lost sheep。
Then your lovewhich is so naturalfor that Englishwoman
revealed to me secrets of which I had no knowledge。 I loved you
better than I knew。 The constant emotions of this stormy life； the
efforts that I made to subdue myself with no other succor than
that religion gave