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I had learned already （God help me！） to distrust his fits of
gayety。 I asked； cautiously；
〃Do you mean free for to…day？〃
〃Free for to…day； and to…morrow； and next week； and next
monthand next year too； for all I know to the contrary；〃 he
answered； putting his arm boisterously round my waist。 〃Look
here！〃
He lifted the open sheet of paper which I had noticed in his
hand； and held it for me to read。 It was a telegram to the
sailing…m aster of the yacht； informing him that we had arranged
to return to Ramsgate that evening； and that we should be ready
to sail for the Mediterranean with the next tide。
〃I only waited for your return；〃 said Eustace； 〃to send the
telegram to the office。〃
He crossed the room as he spoke to ring the bell。 I stopped him。
〃I am afraid I can't go to Ramsgate to…day；〃 I said。
〃Why not？〃 he asked； suddenly changing his tone； and speaking
sharply。
I dare say it will seem ridiculous to some people； but it is
really true that he shook my resolution to go to Major Fitz…David
when he put his arm round me。 Even a mere passing caress from
_him_ stole away my heart； and softly tempted me to yield。 But
the ominous alteration in his tone made another woman of me。 I
felt once more； and felt more strongly than ever； that in my
critical position it was useless to stand still； and worse than
useless to draw back。
〃I am sorry to disappoint you；〃 I answered。 It is impossible for
me （as I told you at Ramsgate） to be ready to sail at a moment's
notice。 I want time。〃
〃What for？〃
Not only his tone； but his look； when he put that second
question； jarred on every nerve in me。 He roused in my mindI
can't tell how or whyan angry sense of the indignity that he
had put upon his wife in marrying her under a false name。 Fearing
that I should answer rashly； that I should say something which my
better sense might regret； if I spoke at that moment； I said
nothing。 Women alone can estimate what it cost me to be silent。
And men alone can understand how irritating my silence must have
been to my husband。
〃You want time？〃 he repeated。 〃I ask you againwhat for？〃
My self…control； pushed to its extremest limits； failed me。 The
rash reply flew out of my lips； like a bird set free from a cage。
〃I want time；〃 I said； 〃to accustom myself to my right name。〃
He suddenly stepped up to me with a dark look。
〃What do you mean by your 'right name？'〃
〃Surely you know；〃 I answered。 〃I once thought I was Mrs。
Woodville。 I have now discovered that I am Mrs。 Macallan。〃
He started back at the sound of his own name as if I had struck
himhe started back； and turned so deadly pale that I feared he
was going to drop at my feet in a swoon。 Oh； my tongue！ my
tongue！ Why had I not controlled my miserable； mischievous
woman's tongue！
〃I didn't mean to alarm you； Eustace；〃 I said。 〃I spoke at
random。 Pray forgive me。〃
He waved his hand impatiently； as if my penitent words were
tangible thingsruffling； worrying things； like flies in
summerwhich he was putting away from him。
〃What else have you discovered？〃 he asked； in low； stern tones。
〃Nothing； Eustace。〃
〃Nothing？〃 He paused as he repeated the word； and passed his hand
over his forehead in a weary way。 〃Nothing； of course；〃 he
resumed； speaking to himself； 〃or she would not be here。〃 He
paused once more； and looked at me searchingly。 〃Don't say again
what you said just now；〃 he went on。 〃For your own sake； Valeria；
as well as for mine。〃 He dropped into the nearest chair； and said
no more。
I certainly heard the warning； but the only words which really
produced an impression on my mind were the words preceding it；
which he had spoken to himself。 He had said： 〃Nothing； of course；
_or she could not be here。〃_ If I had found out some other truth
besides the truth about the name； would it have prevented me from
ever returning to my husband？ Was that what he meant？ Did the
sort of discovery that he contemplated mean something so dreadful
that it would have parted us at once and forever？ I stood by his
chair in silence； and tried to find the answer to those terrible
questions in his face。 It used to speak to me so eloquently when
it spoke of his love。 It told me nothing now。
He sat for some time without looking at me； lost in his own
thoughts。 Then he rose on a sudden and took his hat。
〃The friend who lent me the yacht is in town；〃 he said。 〃I
suppose I had better see him； and say our plans are changed。〃 He
tore up the telegram with an air of sullen resignation as he
spoke。 〃You are evidently determined not to go to sea with me；〃
he resumed。 〃We had better give it up。 I don't see what else is
to be done。 Do you？〃
His tone was almost a tone of contempt。 I was too depressed about
myself； too alarmed about _him；_ to resent it。
〃Decide as you think best； Eustace；〃 I said； sadly。 〃Every way；
the prospect seems a hopeless one。 As long as I am shut out from
your confidence； it matters little whether we live on land or at
seawe cannot live happily。〃
〃If you could control your curiosity。〃 he answered； sternly； 〃we
might live happily enough。 I thought I had married a woman who
was superior to the vulgar failings of her sex。 A good wife
should know better than to pry into affairs of her husband's with
which she had no concern。〃
Surely it was hard to bear this？ However； I bore it。
〃Is it no concern of mine？〃 I asked； gently； 〃when I find that my
husband has not married me under his family name？ Is it no
concern of mine when I hear your mother say； in so many words；
that she pities your wife？ It is hard； Eustace； to accuse me of
curiosity because I cannot accept the unendurable position in
which you have placed me。 Your cruel silence is a blight on my
happiness and a threat to my future。 Your cruel silence is
estranging us from each other at the beginning of our married
life。 And you blame me for feeling this？ You tell me I am prying
into affairs which are yours only？ They are _not_ yours only： I
have my interest in them too。 Oh； my darling； why do you trifle
with our love and our confidence in each other？ Why do you keep
me in the dark？〃
He answered with a stern and pitiless brevity；
〃For your own good。〃
I turned away from him in silence。 He was treating me like a
child。
He followed me。 Putting one hand heavily on my shoulder； he
forced me to face him once more。
〃Listen to this；〃 he said。 〃What I am now going to say to you I
say for the first and last time。 Valeria！ if you ever discover
what I am now keeping from your knowledgefrom that moment you
live a life of torture； your tranquillity is gone。 Your days will
be days of terror； your nights will be full of horrid
dreamsthrough no fault of mine； mind！ through no fault of mine！
Every day of your life you will feel some new distrust； some
growing fear of me； and you will be doing me the vilest injustice
all the time。 On my faith as a Christian； on my honor as a man；
if you stir a step further in this matter； there is an end to
your happiness for the rest of your life！ Think seriously of what
I have said to you； you will have time to reflect。 I am going to
tell my friend that our plans for the Mediterranean are given up。
I shall not be back before the evening。〃 He sighed； and looked at
me with unutterable sadness。 〃I love you； Valeria；〃 he said。 〃In
spite of all that has passed； as God is my witness； I love you
more dearly than ever。〃
So he spoke。 So he left me。
I must write the truth about myself； however strange it may
appear。 I don't pretend to be able to analyze my own motives； I
don't pretend even to guess how other women might have acted in
my place。 It is true of me； that my husband's terrible
warningall the more terrible in its mystery and its
vaguenessproduced no deterrent effect on my mind： it only
stimulated my resolution to discover what he was hiding from me。
He had not been gone two minutes before I rang the bell and
ordered the carriage； to take me to Major Fitz…David's house in
Vivian Place。
Walking to and fro while I was waitingI was in such a fever of
excitement that it was impossible for me to sit stillI
accidentally caught sight of myself in the glass。
My own face startled me； it looked so haggard and so wild。 Could
I present myself to a stranger； could I hope to produce the
necessary impression in my favor； looking as I looked at that
moment？ For all I knew to the contrary； my whole future might
depend upon the effect which I produced on Major Fitz…David at
first sight。 I rang the bell again； and sent a message to one of
the chambermaids to follow me to my room。
I had no maid of my own with me： the stewardess of the yacht
would have acted as my
attendant if we had held to our first arrangement。 It mattered
little； so long as I had a woman to help me。 The chambermaid
appeared。 I can give no better idea of the disordered and
desperate condition of my mind at that time than by owning that I
actually consulted this perfect stranger on the question of my
personal appearance。 She was a middle…aged woman； with a large
experience of the world and its wickedness written legibly on her
manner and on her face。 I put money into the woman's hand； enough