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it had been _my_ unutterable happiness to love and cherish the
best； the dearest of menwhat a paradise of our own we might
have lived in！ what delicious hours we might have known！ But
regret is vain； we are separated in this lifeseparated by ties
which we both mourn； and yet which we must both respect。 My
Eustace； there is a world beyond this。 There our souls will fly
to meet each other； and mingle in one long heavenly embracein a
rapture forbidden to us on earth。 The misery described in your
letteroh； why； why did you marry her？has wrung this
confession of feeling from me。 Let it comfort you； but let no
other eyes see it。 Burn my rashly written lines； and look （as I
look） to the better life which you may yet share with your own
HELENA。〃
The reading of this outrageous letter provoked a question from
the Bench。 One of the Judges asked if the writer had attached any
date or address to her letter。
In answer to this the Lord Advocate stated that neither the one
nor the other appeared。 The envelope showed that the letter had
been posted in London。 〃We propose；〃 the learned counsel
continued； 〃to read certain passages from the prisoner's Diary；
in which the name signed at the end of the letter occurs more
than once； and we may possibly find other means of identifying
the writer； to the satisfaction of your lordships； before the
Trial is over。〃
The promised passages from my husband's private Diary were now
read。 The first extract related to a period of nearly a year
before the date of Mrs。 Eustace Macallan's death。 It was
expressed in these terms：
〃News； by this morning's post； which has quite overwhelmed me。
Helena's husband died suddenly two days since of heart…disease。
She is freemy beloved Helena is free！ And I？
〃I am fettered to a woman with whom I have not a single feeling
in common。 Helena is lost to me； by my own act。 Ah！ I can
understand now； as I never understood before； how irresistible
temptation can be； and how easily sometimes crime may follow it。
I had better shut up these leaves for the night。 It maddens me to
no purpose to think of my position or to write of it。〃
The next passage； dated a few days later； dwelt on the same
subject。
〃Of all the follies that a man can commit； the greatest is acting
on impulse。 I acted on impulse when I married the unfortunate
creature who is now my wife。
〃Helena was then lost to me； as I too hastily supposed。 She had
married the man to whom she rashly engaged herself before she met
with me。 He was younger than I； and； to all appearance； heartier
and stronger than I。 So far as I could see； my fate was sealed
for life。 Helena had written her farewell letter； taking leave of
me in this world for good。 My prospects were closed； my hopes had
ended。 I had not an aspiration left； I had no necessity to
stimulate me to take refuge in work。 A chivalrous action； an
exertion of noble self…denial； seemed to be all that was left to
me； all that I was fit for。
〃The circumstances of the moment adapted themselves； with a fatal
facility； to this idea。 The ill…fated woman who had become
attached to me （Heaven knowswithout so much as the shadow of
encouragement on my part！） had； just at that time； rashly placed
her reputation at the mercy of the world。 It rested with me to
silence the scandalous tongues that reviled her。 With Helena lost
to me； happiness was not to be expected。 All women were equally
indifferent to me。 A generous action would be the salvation of
this woman。 Why not perform it？ I married her on that
impulsemarried her just as I might have jumped into the water
and saved her if she had been drowning； just as I might have
knocked a man down if I had seen him ill…treating her in the
street！
〃And now the woman for whom I have made this sacrifice stands
between me and my Helenamy Helena； free to pour out all the
treasures of her love on the man who adores the earth that she
touches with her foot！
〃Fool！ madman！ Why don't I dash out my brains against the wall
that I see opposite to me while I write these lines？
〃My gun is there in the corner。 I have only to tie a string to
the trigger and to put the muzzle to my mouthNo！ My mother is
alive； my mother's love is sacred。 I have no right to take the
life which she gave me。 I must suffer and submit。 Oh； Helena！
Helena！〃
The third extractone among many similar passageshad been
written about two months before the death of the prisoner's wife。
〃More reproaches addressed to me！ There never was such a woman
for complaining； she lives in a perfect atmosphere of ill…temper
and discontent。
〃My new offenses are two in number： I never ask her to play to me
now； and when she puts on a new dress expressly to please me； I
never notice it。 Notice it！ Good Heavens！ The effort of my life
is _not_ to notice her in anything she does or says。 How could I
keep my temper； unless I kept as much as possible out of the way
of private interviews with her？ And I do keep my temper。 I am
never hard on her； I never use harsh language to her。 She has a
double claim on my forbearance…she is a woman； and the law has
made her my wife。 I remember this； but I am human。 The less I see
of herexc ept when visitors are presentthe more certain I can
feel of preserving my self…control。
〃I wonder what it is that makes her so utterly distasteful to me？
She is a plain woman； but I have seen uglier women than she whose
caresses I could have endured without the sense of shrinking that
comes over me when I am obliged to submit to _her_ caresses。 I
keep the feeling hidden from her。 She loves me； poor thingand I
pity her。 I wish I could do more； I wish I could return in the
smallest degree the feeling with which she regards me。 But noI
can only pity her。 If she would be content to live on friendly
terms with me； and never to exact demonstrations of tenderness；
we might get on pretty well。 But she wants love。 Unfortunate
creature； she wants love！
〃Oh； my Helena！ I have no love to give her。 My heart is yours。
〃I dreamed last night that this unhappy wife of mine was dead。
The dream was so vivid that I actually got out of my bed and
opened the door of her room and listened。
〃Her calm； regular breathing was distinctly audible in the
stillness of the night。 She was in a deep sleep： I closed the
door again and lighted my candle and read。 Helena was in all my
thoughts； it was hard work to fix my attention on the book。 But
anything was better than going to bed again； and dreaming perhaps
for the second time that I too was free。
〃What a life mine is！ what a life my wife's is！ If the house were
to take fire； I wonder whether I should make an effort to save
myself or to save her？〃
The last two passages read referred to later dates still。
〃A gleam of brightness has shone over this dismal existence of
mine at last。
〃Helena is no longer condemned to the seclusion of widowhood。
Time enough has passed to permit of her mixing again in society。
She is paying visits to friends in our part of Scotland； and； as
she and I are cousins； it is universally understood that she
cannot leave the North without also spending a few days at my
house。 She writes me word that the visit； however embarrassing it
may be to us privately； is nevertheless a visit that must be made
for the sake of appearances。 Blessings on appearances！ I shall
see this angel in my purgatoryand all because Society in
Mid…Lothian would think it strange that my cousin should be
visiting in my part of Scotland and not visit Me！
〃But we are to be very careful。 Helena says； in so many words； 'I
come to see you； Eustace； as a sister。 You must receive me as a
brother； or not receive me at all。 I shall write to your wife to
propose the day for my visit。 I shall not forgetdo you not
forgetthat it is by your wife's permission that I enter your
house。'
〃Only let me see her！ I will submit to anything to obtain the
unutterable happiness of seeing her！〃
The last extract followed； and consisted of these lines only：
〃A new misfortune！ My wife has fallen ill。 She has taken to her
bed with a bad rheumatic cold； just at the time appointed for
Helena's visit to Gleninch。 But on this occasion （I gladly own
it！） she has behaved charmingly。 She has written to Helena to say
that her illness is not serious enough to render a change
necessary in the arrangements； and to make it her particular
request that my cousin's visit shall take place upon the day
originally decided on。
〃This is a great sacrifice made to me on my wife's part。 Jealous
of every woman under forty who comes near me； she is； of course；
jealous of Helenaand she controls herself； and trusts me！
〃I am bound to show my gratitude for this and I will show it。
From this day forth I vow to live more affectionately with my
wife。 I tenderly embraced her this very morning； and I hope； poor
soul； she did not discover the effort that it cost me。〃
There the readings from the Diary came to an end。
The most unpleasant pages in the whole Report of the Trial
wereto methe pages which contained the extracts from my
husband's Diary。 There were expressions here and there which not
only pained me； but w