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methe strange medley of joy and fear； and wonder and relief；
and pride and humility； which filled my whole being； and made a
new woman of me from that moment？ Now； for the first time； I knew
it！ If God spared me for a few months more； the most enduring and
the most sacred of all human joys might be minethe joy of being
a mother。
I don't know how the rest of the night passed。 I only find my
memory again when the morning came； and when I went out by myself
to breathe the crisp wintry air on the open moor behind the inn。
I have said that I felt like a new woman。 The morning found me
with a new resolution and a new courage。 When I thought of the
future； I had not only my husband to consider now。 His good name
was no longer his own and mineit might soon become the most
precious inheritance that he could leave to his child。 What had I
done while I was in ignorance of this？ I had resigned the hope of
cleansing his name from the stain that rested on ita stain
still； no matter how little it might look in the eye of the Law。
Our child might live to hear malicious tongues say； 〃Your father
was tried for the vilest of all murders； and was never absolutely
acquitted of the charge。〃 Could I face the glorious perils of
childbirth with that possibility present to my mind？ No！ not
until I had made one more effort to lay the conscience of
Miserrimus Dexter bare to my view！ not until I had once again
renewed the struggle； and brought the truth that vindicated the
husband and the father to the light of day！
I went back to the house； with my new courage to sustain me。 I
opened my heart to my friend and mother； and told her frankly of
the change that had come over me since we had last spoken of
Eustace。
She was more than disappointedshe was almost offended with me。
The one thing needful had happened； she said。 The happiness that
might soon come to us would form a new tie between my husband and
me。 Every other consideration but this she treated as purely
fanciful。 If I left Eustace now； I did a heartless thing and a
foolish thing。 I should regret； to the end of my days； having
thrown away the one golden opportunity of my married life。
It cost me a hard struggle； it oppressed me with many a painful
doubt； but I held firm this time。 The honor of the father； the
inheritance of the childI kept these thoughts as constant ly as
possible before my mind。 Sometimes they failed me； and left me
nothing better than a poor fool who had some fitful bursts of
crying； and was always ashamed of herself afterward。 But my
native obstinacy （as Mrs。 Macallan said） carried me through。 Now
and then I had a peep at Eustace； while he was asleep； and that
helped me too。 Though they made my heart ache and shook me sadly
at the times those furtive visits to my husband fortified me
afterward。 I cannot explain how this happened （it seems so
contradictory）； I can only repeat it as one of my experiences at
that troubled time。
I made one concession to Mrs。 MacallanI consented to wait for
two days before I took any steps for returning to England； on the
chance that my mind might change in the interval。
It was well for me that I yielded so far。 On the second day the
director of the field…hospital sent to the post…office at our
nearest town for letters addressed to him or to his care。 The
messenger brought back a letter for me。 I thought I recognized
the handwriting； and I was right。 Mr。 Playmore's answer had
reached me at last！
If I had been in any danger of changing my mind； the good lawyer
would have saved me in the nick of time。 The extract that follows
contains the pith of his letter； and shows how he encouraged me
when I stood in sore need of a few cheering and friendly words。
〃Let me now tell you；〃 he wrote； 〃what I have done toward
verifying the conclusion to which your letter points。
〃I have traced one of the servants who was appointed to keep
watch in the corridor on the night when the first Mrs。 Eustace
died at Gleninch。 The man perfectly remembers that Miserrimus
Dexter suddenly appeared before him and his fellow…servant long
after the house was quiet for the night。 Dexter said to them； 'I
suppose there is no harm in my going into the study to read？ I
can't sleep after what has happened； I must relieve my mind
somehow。' The men had no orders to keep any one out of the study。
They knew that the door of communication with the bedchamber was
locked； and that the keys of the two other doors of communication
were in the possession of Mr。 Gale。 They accordingly permitted
Dexter to go into the study。 He closed the door （the door that
opened on the corridor）； and remained absent for some timein
the study as the men supposed； in the bedchamber as we know from
what he let out at his interview with you。 Now he could enter
that room； as you rightly imagine； in but one wayby being in
possession of the missing key。 How long he remained there I
cannot discover。 The point is of little consequence。 The servant
remembers that he came out of the study again 'as pale as death；'
and that he passed on without a word on his way back to his own
room。
〃These are facts。 The conclusion to which they lead is serious in
the last degree。 It justifies everything that I confided to you
in my office at Edinburgh。 You remember what passed between us。 I
say no more。
〃As to yourself next。 You have innocently aroused in Miserrimus
Dexter a feeling toward you which I need not attempt to
characterize。 There is a certain somethingI saw it myselfin
your figure； and in some of your movements； which does recall the
late Mrs。 Eustace to those who knew her well； and which has
evidently had its effect on Dexter's morbid mind。 Without
dwelling further on this subject； let me only remind you that he
has shown himself （as a consequence of your influence over him）
to be incapable； in his moments of agitation； of thinking before
he speaks while he is in your presence。 It is not merely
possible； it is highly probable； that he may betray himself far
more seriously than he has betrayed himself yet if you give him
the opportunity。 I owe it to you （knowing what your interests
are） to express myself plainly on this point。 I have no sort of
doubt that you have advanced one step nearer to the end which you
have in view in the brief interval since you left Edinburgh。 I
see in your letter （and in my discoveries） irresistible evidence
that Dexter must have been in secret communication with the
deceased lady （innocent communication； I am certain； so far as
_she_ was concerned）； not only at the time of her death； but
perhaps for weeks before it。 I cannot disguise from myself or
from you； my own strong persuasion that if you succeed in
discovering the nature of this communication； in all human
likelihood you prove your husband's innocence by the discovery of
the truth。 As an honest man； I am bound not to conceal this。 And；
as an honest man also； I am equally bound to add that； not even
with your reward in view； can I find it in my conscience to
advise you to risk what you must risk if you see Miserrimus
Dexter again。 In this difficult and delicate matter I cannot and
will not take the responsibility： the final decision must rest
with yourself。 One favor only I entreat you to grantlet me hear
what you resolve to do as soon as you know it yourself。〃
The difficulties which my worthy correspondent felt were no
difficulties to me。 I did not possess Mr。 Playmore's judicial
mind。 My resolution was settled before I had read his letter
through。
The mail to France crossed the frontier the next day。 There was a
place for me； under the protection of the conductor； if I chose
to take it。 Without consulting a living creaturerash as usual；
headlong as usualI took it。
CHAPTER XXXVIII。
ON THE JOURNEY BACK。
IF I had been traveling homeward in my own carriage； the
remaining chapters of this narrative would never have been
written。 Before we had been an hour on the road I should have
called to the driver； and should have told him to turn back。
Who can be always resolute？
In asking that question； I speak of the women； not of the men。 I
had been resolute in turning a deaf ear to Mr。 Playmore's doubts
and cautions； resolute in holding out against my mother…in…law；
resolute in taking my place by the French mail。 Until ten minutes
after we had driven away from the inn my courage held outand
then it failed me； then I said to myself； 〃You wretch； you have
deserted your husband！〃 For hours afterward； if I could have
stopped the mail； I would have done it。 I hated the conductor；
the kindest of men。 I hated the Spanish ponies that drew us； the
cheeriest animals that ever jingled a string of bells。 I hated
the bright day that _would_ make things pleasant； and the bracing
air that forced me to feel the luxury of breathing whether I
liked it or not。 Never was a journey more miserable than my safe
and easy journey to the frontier。 But one little comfort helped
me to bear my heart…ache resignedlya stolen morsel of Eustace's
hair。 We had started at an hour of the morning when he was still
sound asleep。 I could creep into his room； and kiss him； and cry
over him softly； and cut off a stray lo