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I shrugged。 〃Just scared。〃
She relaxed a little。 〃That was the scariest movie I think I've ever seen。 I'll bet we're going to have
nightmares tonight。〃
〃No doubt about that；〃 I said； trying to keep my voice normal。 It was inevitable that I would have
nightmares； but they wouldn't be about zombies。 Her eyes flashed to my face and away。 Maybe I hadn't
succeeded with the normal voice。
〃Where do you want to eat？〃 Jess asked。
〃I don't care。〃
〃Okay。〃
Jess started talking about the male lead in the movie as we walked。 I nodded as she gushed over his
hotness； unable to remember seeing a non…zombie man at all。
I didn't watch where Jessica was leading me。 I was only vaguely aware that it was dark and quieter now。
It took me longer than it should have to realize why it was quiet。 Jessica had stopped babbling。 I looked
at her apologetically； hoping I hadn't hurt her feelings。
Jessica wasn't looking at me。 Her face was tense； she stared straight ahead and walked fast。 As I
watched； her eyes darted quickly to the right； across the road； and back again。
I glanced around myself for the first time。
We were on a short stretch of unlit sidewalk。 The little shops lining the street were all locked up for the
night； windows black。 Half a block ahead； the streetlights started up again； and I could see； farther down；
the bright golden arches of the McDonald's she was heading for。
Across the street there was one open business。 The windows were covered from inside and there were
neon signs； advertisements for different brands of beer； glowing in front of them。 The biggest sign； in
brilliant green； was the name of the bar—One…Eyed Pete's。 I wondered if there was some pirate theme
not visible from outside。 The metal door was propped open； it was dimly lit inside； and the low murmur
of many voices and the sound of ice clinking in glasses floated across the street。 Lounging against the wall
beside the door were four men。
I glanced back at Jessica。 Her eyes were fixed on the path ahead and she moved briskly。 She didn't look
frightened—just wary； trying to not attract attention to herself。
I paused without thinking； looking back at the four men with a strong sense of déjà vu。 This was a
different road； a different night； but the scene was so much the same。 One of them was even short and
dark。 As I stopped and turned toward them； that one looked up in interest。
I stared back at him； frozen on the sidewalk。
〃Bella？〃 Jess whispered。 〃What are you doing？〃
I shook my head； not sure myself。 〃I think I know them…〃 I muttered。
What was I doing？ I should be running from this memory as fast as I could； blocking the image of the
four lounging men from my mind； protecting myself with the numbness I couldn't function without。 Why
was I stepping； dazed； into the street？
It seemed too coincidental that I should be in Port Angeles with Jessica； on a dark street even。 My eyes
focused on the short one； trying to match the features to my memory of the man who had threatened me
that night almost a year ago。 I wondered if there was any way I would recognize the man； if it was really
him。 That particular part of that particular evening was just a blur。 My body remembered it better than my
mind did； the tension in my legs as I tried to decide whether to run or to stand my ground； the dryness in
my throat as I struggled to build a decent scream； the tight stretch of skin across my knuckles as I
clenched my hands into fists； the chills on the back of my neck when the dark…haired man called me
〃sugar。〃…
There was an indefinite； implied kind of menace to these men that had nothing to do with that other night。
It sprung from the fact that they were strangers； and it was dark here； and they outnumbered us—nothing
more specific than that。 But it was enough that Jessica's voice cracked in panic as she called after me。
〃Bella； come on！〃
I ignored her； walking slowly forward without ever making the conscious decision to move my feet。 I
didn't understand why； but the nebulous threat the men presented drew me toward them。 It was a
senseless impulse； but I hadn't felt any kind of impulse in so long… I followed it。
Something unfamiliar beat through my veins。 Adrenaline； I realized； long absent from my system；
drumming my pulse faster and fighting against the lack of sensation。 It was strange—why the adrenaline
when there was no fear？ It was almost as if it were an echo of the last time I'd stood like this； on a dark
street in Port Angeles with strangers。
I saw no reason for fear。 I couldn't imagine anything in the world that there was left to be afraid of； not
physically at least。 One of the few advantages of losing everything。
I was halfway across the street when Jess caught up to me and grabbed my arm。
〃Bella！ You can't go in a bar！〃 she hissed。
〃I'm not going in；〃 I said absently； shaking her hand off。 〃I just want to see something…〃
〃Are you crazy？〃 she whispered。 〃Are you suicidal？〃
That question caught my attention； and my eyes focused on her。
〃No； I'm not。〃 My voice sounded defensive； but it was true。 I wasn't suicidal。 Even in the beginning； when
death unquestionably would have been a relief； I didn't consider it。 I owed too much to Charlie。 I felt too
responsible for Renee。 I had to think of them。
And I'd made a promise not to do anything stupid or reckless。 For all those reasons； I was still breathing。
Remembering that promise。 I felt a twinge of guilt。
but what I was doing fight now didn't really count。 It wasn't like I was taking a blade to my wrists。
Jess's eyes were round； her mouth hung open。 Her question about suicide had been rhetorical； I realized
too late。
〃Go eat；〃 I encouraged her； waving toward the fast food。 I didn't like the way she looked at me。 〃I'll
catch up in a minute。〃
I turned away from her； back to the men who were watching us with amused； curious eyes。
〃Bella； stop this right now！〃
My muscles locked into place； froze me where I stood。 Because it wasn't Jessica's voice that rebuked
me now。 It was a furious voice； a familiar voice； a beautiful voice—soft like velvet even though it was
irate。
It was his voice—I was exceptionally careful not to think his name—and I was surprised that the sound
of it did not knock me to my knees； did not curl me onto the pavement in a torture of loss。 But there was
no pain； none at all。
In the instant that I heard his voice； everything was very clear。 Like my head had suddenly surfaced out
of some dark pool。 I was more aware of everything—sight； sound； the feel of the cold air that I hadn't
noticed was blowing sharply against my face； the smells coming from the open bar door。
I looked around myself in shock。
〃Go back to Jessica；〃 the lovely voice ordered； still angry。 〃You promised—nothing stupid。〃
I was alone。 Jessica stood a few feet from me； staring at me with frightened eyes。 Against the wall； the
strangers watched； confused； wondering what I was doing； standing there motionless in the middle of the
street。
I shook my head； trying to understand。 I knew he wasn't there； and yet； he felt improbably close； close
for the first time since… since the end。 The anger in his voice was concern； the same anger that was once
very familiar—something I hadn't heard in what felt like a lifetime。
〃Keep your promise。〃 The voice was slipping away； as if the volume was being turned down on a radio。
I began to suspect that I was having some kind of hallucination。 Triggered； no doubt； by the
memory—the deja vu； the strange familiarity of the situation。
I ran through the possibilities quickly in my head。
Option one： I was crazy。 That was the layman's term for people who heard voices in their heads。
Possible。
Option two： My subconscious mind was giving me what it thought I wanted。 This was wish fulfillment—a
momentary relief from pain by embracing the incorrect idea that he cared whether I lived or died。
Projecting what he would have said if A） he were here； and B） he would be in any way bothered by
something bad happening to me。
Probable。
I could see no option three； so I hoped it was the second option and this was just my subconscious
running amuck； rather than something I would need to be hospitalized for。
My reaction was hardly sane； though—I was grateful。 The sound of his voice was something that I'd
feared I was losing； and so； more than anything else； I felt overwhelming gratitude that my unconscious
mind had held onto that sound better than my conscious one had。
I was not allowed to think of him。 That was something I tried to be very strict about。 Of course I slipped；
I was only human。 But I was getting better； and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a
time now。 The tradeoff was the never…ending numbness。 Between pain and nothing； I'd chosen nothing。
I waited for the pain now。 I was not numb—my senses felt unusually intense after so many months of the
haze—but the normal pain held off。 The only ache was the disappointment that his voice was fading。
There was a second of choice。