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t it
on again。
My fourth hour class got out late； and the lunch table I always sat at was full by the time I arrived。 Mike
was there； Jessica and Angela； Conner； Tyler； Eric and Lauren。 Katie Marshall； the redheaded junior
who lived around the corner from me； was sitting with Eric； and Austin Marks—older brother to the boy
with the motorcycles—was next to her。 I wondered how long they'd been sitting here； unable to
remember if this was the first day or something that was a regular habit。
I was beginning to get annoyed with myself。 I might as well have been packed in Styrofoam peanuts
through the last semester。
No one looked up when I sat down next to Mike； even though the chair squealed stridently against the
linoleum as I dragged it back。
I tried to catch up with the conversation。
Mike and Conner were talking sports； so I gave up on that one at once。
〃Where's Ben today？〃 Lauren was asking Angela。 I perked up； interested。 I wondered if that meant
Angela and Ben were still together。
I barely recognized Lauren。 She'd cut off all her blond； corn…silk hair—now she had a pixie cut so short
that the back was shaved like a boy。 What an odd thing for her to do。 I wished I knew the reason behind
it。 Did she get gum stuck in it？ Did she sell it？ Had all the people she was habitually nasty to caught her
behind the gym and scalped her？ I decided it wasn't fair for me to judge her now by my former opinion。
For all I knew； she'd turned into a nice person。
〃Ben's got the stomach flu；〃 Angela said in her quiet； calm voice。 〃Hopefully it's just some twenty…four
hour thing。 He was really sick last night。〃
Angela had changed her hair； too。 She'd grown out her layers。
〃What did you two do this weekend？〃 Jessica asked； not sounding as if she cared about the answer。 I'd
bet that this was just an opener so she could tell her own stories。 I wondered if she would talk about Port
Angeles with me sitting two seats away？ Was I that invisible； that no one would feel uncomfortable
discussing me while I was here？
〃We were going to have a picnic Saturday； actually； but… we changed our minds；〃 Angela said。 There
was an edge to her voice that caught my interest。
Jess； not so much。 〃That's too bad；〃 she said； about to launch into her story。 But I wasn't the only one
who was paying attention。
〃What happened？〃 Lauren asked curiously。
〃Well；〃 Angela said； seeming more hesitant than usual； though she was always reserved； 〃we drove up
north； almost to the hot springs—there's a good spot just about a mile up the trail。 But； when we were
halfway there… we saw something。〃
〃Saw something？ What？〃 Lauren's pale eyebrows pulled together。 Even Jess seemed to be listening now。
〃I don't know；〃 Angela said。 〃We think it was a bear。 It was black； anyway； but it seemed… too big。〃
Lauren snorted。 〃Oh； not you； too！〃 Her eyes turned mocking； and I decided I didn't need to give her the
benefit of the doubt。 Obviously her personality had not changed as much as her hair。 〃Tyler tried to sell
me that one last week。〃
〃You're not going to see any bears that close to the resort；〃 Jessica said； siding with Lauren。
〃Really；〃 Angela protested in a low voice； looking down at the table。 〃We did see it。〃
Lauren snickered。 Mike was still talking to Conner； not paying attention to the girls。
〃No； she's right；〃 I threw in impatiently。 〃We had a hiker in just Saturday who saw the bear； too； Angela。
He said it was huge and black and just outside of town； didn't he； Mike？〃
There was a moment of silence。 Every pair of eyes at the table turned to stare at me in shock。 The new
girl； Katie； had her mouth hanging open like she'd just witnessed an explosion。 Nobody moved。
〃Mike？〃 I muttered； mortified。 〃Remember the guy with the bear story？〃
〃S…sure；〃 Mike stuttered after a second。 I didn't know why he was looking at me so strangely。 I talked to
him at work； didn't I？ Did I？ I thought so…
Mike recovered。 〃Yeah； there was a guy who said he saw a huge black bear right at the
trailhead—bigger than a grizzly；〃 he confirmed。
〃Hmph。〃 Lauren turned to Jessica； her shoulders stiff； and changed the subject。
〃Did you hear back from USC？〃 she asked。
Everyone else looked away； too； except for Mike and Angela。 Angela smiled at me tentatively； and I
hurried to return the smile。
〃So； what did you do this weekend； Bella？〃 Mike asked； curious； but oddly wary。
Everyone but Lauren looked back； waiting for my response。
〃Friday night； Jessica and I went to a movie in Port Angeles。 And then I spent Saturday afternoon and
most of Sunday down at La Push。〃
The eyes flickered to Jessica and back to me。 Jess looked irritated。 I wondered if she didn't want anyone
to know she'd gone out with me； or whether she just wanted to be the one to tell the story。
〃What movie did you see？〃 Mike asked； starting to smile。
〃Dead End—the one with the zombies。〃 I grinned in encouragement。 Maybe some of the damage I'd
done in these past zombie months was reparable。
〃I heard that was scary。 Did you think so？〃 Mike was eager to continue the conversation。
〃Bella had to leave at the end； she was so freaked；〃 Jessica inserted with a sly smile。
I nodded； trying to look embarrassed。 〃It was pretty scary。〃
Mike didn't stop asking me questions till lunch was over。 Gradually； the others were able to start up their
own conversations again； though they still looked at me a lot。 Angela talked mostly to Mike and me； and；
when I got up to dump my tray； she followed。
〃Thanks；〃 she said in a low voice when we were away from the table。
〃For what？〃
〃Speaking up； sticking up for me。〃
〃No problem。〃
She looked at me with concern； but not the offensive； maybe…she's…lost…it kind。 〃Are you okay？〃
This is why I'd picked Jessica over Angela—though I'd always liked Angela more—for the girls' night
movie。 Angela was too perceptive。
〃Not completely；〃 I admitted。 〃But I'm a little bit better。〃
〃I'm glad；〃 she said。 〃I've missed you。〃
Lauren and Jessica strolled by us then； and I heard Lauren whisper loudly； 〃Oh； joy Bella's back。〃
Angela rolled her eyes at them； and smiled at me in encouragement。
I sighed It was like I was starting all over again。
〃What's today's date？〃 I wondered suddenly。
〃It's January nineteenth。〃
〃Hmm。〃
〃What is it？〃 Angela asked。
〃It was a year ago yesterday that I had my first day here；〃 I mused。
〃Nothing's changed much；〃 Angela muttered； looking after Lauren and Jessica。
〃I know； I agreed I was just thinking the same thing。〃
7 REPETITION
I WASN'T SURE WHAT THE HELL I WAS DOING HERE Was I trying to push myself back into
the zombie stupor？ Had I turned masochistic—developed a taste for torture？ I should have gone straight
down to La Push I felt much； much healthier around Jacob This was not a healthy thing to do。
But I continued to drive slowly down the overgrown lane； twisting through the trees that arched over me
like a green； living tunnel My hands were shaking； so I tightened my grip on the steering wheel。
I knew that part of the reason I did this was the nightmare； now that I was really awake； the nothingness
of the dream gnawed on my nerves； a dog worrying a bone。
There was something to search for。 Unattainable and impossible； uncaring and distracted… but he was
out there； somewhere。 I had to believe that。
The other part was the strange sense of repetition I'd felt at school today； the coincidence of the date。
The feeling that I was starting over—perhaps the way my first day would have gone if I'd really been the
most unusual person in the cafeteria that afternoon。
The words ran through my head； tonelessly； like I was reading them rather than hearing them spoken：
It will be as if I'd never existed。
I was lying to myself by splitting my reason for coming here into just two parts。 I didn't want to admit the
strongest motivation。 Because it was mentally unsound。
The truth was that I wanted to hear his voice again； like I had in the strange delusion Friday night。 For
that brief moment； when his voice came from some other part of me than my conscious memory； when
his voice was perfect and honey smooth rather than the pale echo my memories usually produced； I was
able to remember without pain。 It hadn't lasted； the pain had caught up with me； as I was sure it would
for this fool's errand。 But those precious moments when I could hear him again were an irresistible lure。 I
had to find some way to repeat the experience… or maybe the better word was episode。
I was hoping that déjà vu was the key。 So I was going to his home； a place I hadn't been since my
ill…fated birthday party； so many months ago。
The thick； almost jungle…like growth crawled slowly past my windows。 The drive wound on and on。 I
started to go faster； getting edgy。 How long had I been driving？ Shouldn't I have reached the house yet？
The lane was so overgrown that it did not look familiar。
What if I couldn't find it？ I shivered。 What if there was no tangible proof at all？
Then there was the break in the trees