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leaned over so that his cheek was resting on top of my head。
He was quiet for a moment； and I wondered what he was thinking about。 Maybe I didn't want to know。
〃What's the hardest part？〃 I whispered； still wishing I could help。
〃The hardest part is feeling… out of control；〃 he said slowly。 〃Feeling like I can't be sure of myself—like
maybe you shouldn't be around me； like maybe nobody should。 Like I'm a monster who might hurt
somebody。 You've seen Emily。 Sam lost control of his temper for just one second… and she was
standing too close。 And now there's nothing he can ever do to put it right again。 I hear his thoughts—I
know what that feels like…
〃Who wants to be a nightmare； a monster？
〃And then； the way it comes so easily to me； the way I'm better at it than the rest of them—does that
make me even less human than Enbry or Sam？ Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm losing myself。〃
〃Is it hard？ To find yourself again？〃
〃At first；〃 he said。 〃It takes some practice to phase back and forth。 But it's easier tor me。〃
〃Why？〃 I wondered。
〃Because Ephraim Black was my father's grandfather； and Quil Ateara was my mother's grandfather。〃
〃Quil？〃 I asked in confusion。
〃His great…grandfather；〃 Jacob clarified。 〃The Quil you know is my second cousin。〃
〃But why does it matter who your great…grandfathers are？〃
〃Because Ephraim and Quil were in the last pack。 Levi Uley was the third。 It's in my blood on both sides。
I never had a chance。 Like Quil doesn't have a chance。〃
His expression was bleak。
〃What's the very best part？〃 I asked； hoping to cheer him up。
〃The best part；〃 he said； suddenly smiling again； 〃is the speed。〃
〃Better than the motorcycles？〃
He nodded； enthusiastic。 〃There's no comparison。〃
〃How fast can you… ？〃
〃Run？〃 he finished my question。 〃Fast enough。 What can I measure it by？ We caught… what was his
name？ Laurent？ I imagine that means more to you than it would to someone else。〃
It did mean something to me。 I couldn't imagine that—the wolves running faster than a vampire。 When the
Cullens ran； they all but turned invisible with speed。
〃So； tell me something I don't know；〃 he said。 〃Something about vampires。 How did you stand it； being
around them？ Didn't it creep you out？〃
〃No；〃 I said curtly。
My tone made him thoughtful for a moment。
〃Say； why'd your bloodsucker kill that James； anyway？〃 he asked suddenly。
〃James was trying to kill me—it was like a game for him。 He lost。 Do you remember last spring when I
was in the hospital down in Phoenix？〃
Jacob sucked in a breath。 〃He got that close？〃
〃He got very； very close。〃 I stroked my scar。 Jacob noticed； because he held the hand I moved。
〃What's that？〃 He traded hands； examining my right。 〃This is your funny scar； the cold one。〃 He looked at
it closer； with new eyes； and gasped。
〃Yes； it's what you think it is；〃 I said。 〃James bit me。〃
His eyes bulged； and his face turned a strange； sallow color under the russet surface。 He looked like he
was about to be sick。
〃But if he bit you… ？ Shouldn't you be… ？〃 He choked。
〃Edward saved me twice；〃 I whispered。 〃He sucked the venom out—you know； like with a rattlesnake。〃
I twitched as the pain lashed around the edges of the hole。
But I wasn't the only one twitching。 I could feel Jacob's whole body trembling next to mine。 Even the car
shook。
〃Careful； Jake。 Easy。 Ca in down。〃
〃Yeah；〃 he panted。 〃Calm。〃 He shook his head back and forth quickly。 After a moment； only his hands
were shaking。
〃You okay？〃
〃Yeah； almost。 Tell me something else。 Give me something else to think about。〃
〃What do you want to know？〃
〃I don't know。〃 He had his eyes closed； concentrating。 〃The extra stuff I guess。 Did any of the other
Cullens have… extra talents？ Like the mind reading？〃
I hesitated a second。 This felt like a question he would ask of his spy； not his friend。 But what was the
point of hiding what I knew？ It didn't matter now； and it would help him control himself。
So I spoke quickly； the image of Emily's ruined face in my mind； and the hair rising on my arms。 I couldn't
imagine how the russet wolf would fit inside the Rabbit—Jacob would tear the whole garage apart if he
changed now。
〃Jasper could… sort of control the emotions of the people around him。 Not in a bad way； just to calm
someone down； that kind of thing。 It would probably help Paul a lot；〃 I added； teasing weakly。 〃And then
Alice could see things that were going to happen。 The future； you know； but not absolutely。 The things
she saw would change when someone changed the path they were on…〃
Like how she'd seen me dying… and she'd seen me becoming one of them。 Two things that had not
happened。 And one that never would。 My head started to spin—I couldn't seem to pull in enough oxygen
from the air。 No lungs。
Jacob was entirely in control now； very still beside me。
〃Why do you do that？〃 he asked。 He tugged lightly at one of my arms； which was bound around my
chest； and then gave up when it wouldn't come loose easily。 I hadn't even realized I'd moved them。 〃You
do that when you're upset。 Why？〃
〃It hurts to think about them；〃 I whispered。 〃It's like I can't breathe… like I'm breaking into pieces…〃It
was bizarre how much I could tell Jacob now。 We had no more secrets。
He smoothed my hair。 〃It's okay； Bella； it's okay。 I won't bring it up again。 I'm sorry。〃
〃I'm fine。〃 I gasped。 〃Happens all the time。 Not your fault。〃
〃We're a pretty messed…up pair； aren't we？〃 Jacob said。 〃Neither one of us can hold our shape together
right。〃
〃Pathetic；〃 I agreed； still breathless。
〃At least we have each other；〃 he said； clearly comforted by the thought。
I was comforted； too。 〃At least there's that；〃 I agreed。
And when we were together； it was fine。 But Jacob had a horrible； dangerous job he felt compelled to
do； and so I was often alone； stuck in La Push for safety； with nothing to do to keep my mind off any of
my worries。
I felt awkward； always taking up space at Billy's。 I did some studying for another Calculus test that was
coming up next week； but I could only look at math for so long。 When I didn't have something obvious to
do in my hands；
I felt like I ought to be making conversation with Billy—the pressure of normal societal rules。 But Billy
wasn't one for filling up the long silences； and so the awkwardness continued。
I tried hanging out at Emily's place Wednesday afternoon； for a change。 At first it was kind of nice。 Emily
was a cheerful person who never sat still。 I drifted behind her while she flitted around her little house and
yard； scrubbing at the spotless floor； pulling a tiny weed； fixing a broken hinge； tugging a string of wool
through an ancient loom； and always cooking； too。 She complained lightly about the increase in the boys'
appetites from all their extra running； but it was easy to see she didn't mind taking care of them。 It wasn't
hard to be with her—after all； we were both wolf girls now。
But Sam checked in after I'd been there for a few hours。 I only stayed long enough to ascertain that
Jacob was fine and there was no news； and then I had to escape。 The aura of love and contentment that
surrounded them was harder to take in concentrated doses； with no one else around to dilute it。
So that left me wandering the beach； pacing the length of the rocky crescent back and forth； again and
again。
Alone time wasn't good for me。 Thanks to the new honesty with Jacob； I'd been talking and thinking
about the Cullens way too much。 No matter how I tried to distract myself—and I had plenty to think of： I
was honestly and desperately worried about Jacob and his wolf…brothers； I was terrified for Charlie and
the others who thought they were hunting animals； I was getting in deeper and deeper with Jacob without
ever having consciously decided to progress in that direction and I didn't know what to do about
it—none of these very real； very deserving of thought； very pressing concerns could take my mind off the
pain in my chest for long。 Eventually； I couldn't even walk anymore； because I couldn't breathe。 I sat
down on a patch of semidry rocks and curled up in a ball。
Jacob found me like that； and I could tell from his expression that he understood。
〃Sorry；〃 he said right away。 He pulled me up from the ground and wrapped both arms around my
shoulders。 I hadn't realized that I was cold until then。 His warmth made me shudder； but at least I could
breathe with him there。
〃I'm ruining your spring break；〃 Jacob accused himself as we walked back up the beach。
〃No； you're not。 I didn't have any plans。 I don't think I like spring breaks； anyway。〃
〃I'll take tomorrow morning off。 The others can run without me。 We'll do something fun。〃
The word seemed out of place in my life right now； barely comprehensible； bizarre。 〃Fun？〃
〃Fun is exactly what you need。 Hmm…〃 he gazed out across the heaving gray waves； deliberating。 As his
eyes scanned the horizon； he had a flash of inspiration。
〃Got it！〃 he crowed。 〃Another promise to keep。〃
〃What are you talk