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〃SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER〃
〃SHE STOOPS TO
CONQUER〃
by OLIVER GOLDSMITH
A COMEDY。
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To SAMUEL JOHNSON； LL。D。
Dear Sir；By inscribing this slight performance to you； I do not mean
so much to compliment you as myself。 It may do me some honour to
inform the public； that I have lived many years in intimacy with you。 It
may serve the interests of mankind also to inform them； that the greatest
wit may be found in a character； without impairing the most unaffected
piety。
I have； particularly； reason to thank you for your partiality to this
performance。 The undertaking a comedy not merely sentimental was
very dangerous； and Mr。 Colman； who saw this piece in its various stages；
always thought it so。 However； I ventured to trust it to the public； and；
though it was necessarily delayed till late in the season； I have every
reason to be grateful。
I am； dear Sir； your most sincere friend and admirer；
OLIVER GOLDSMITH。
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PROLOGUE
BY DAVID GARRICK； ESQ。
Enter MR。 WOODWARD； dressed in black； and holding a
handkerchief to his eyes。
Excuse me； sirs； I prayI can't yet speak I'm crying nowand have
been all the week。 〃'Tis not alone this mourning suit；〃 good masters： 〃I've
that within〃for which there are no plasters！ Pray； would you know the
reason why I'm crying？ The Comic Muse； long sick； is now a…dying！ And
if she goes； my tears will never stop； For as a player； I can't squeeze out
one drop： I am undone； that's allshall lose my bread I'd rather； but that's
nothinglose my head。 When the sweet maid is laid upon the bier； Shuter
and I shall be chief mourners here。 To her a mawkish drab of spurious
breed； Who deals in sentimentals； will succeed！ Poor Ned and I are dead
to all intents； We can as soon speak Greek as sentiments！ Both nervous
grown； to keep our spirits up。 We now and then take down a hearty cup。
What shall we do？ If Comedy forsake us； They'll turn us out； and no one
else will take us。 But why can't I be moral？Let me try My heart thus
pressingfixed my face and eye With a sententious look； that nothing
means； （Faces are blocks in sentimental scenes） Thus I begin： 〃All is not
gold that glitters； 〃Pleasure seems sweet； but proves a glass of bitters。
〃When Ignorance enters； Folly is at hand： 〃Learning is better far than
house and land。 〃Let not your virtue trip； who trips may stumble； 〃And
virtue is not virtue； if she tumble。〃
I give it upmorals won't do for me； To make you laugh； I must play
tragedy。 One hope remainshearing the maid was ill； A Doctor comes this
night to show his skill。 To cheer her heart； and give your muscles motion；
He； in Five Draughts prepar'd； presents a potion： A kind of magic charm
for be assur'd； If you will swallow it； the maid is cur'd： But desperate the
Doctor； and her case is； If you reject the dose； and make wry faces！ This
truth he boasts； will boast it while he lives； No poisonous drugs are mixed
in what he gives。 Should he succeed； you'll give him his degree； If not；
within he will receive no fee！ The College YOU； must his pretensions
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back； Pronounce him Regular； or dub him Quack。
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DRAMATIS PERSONAE。
MEN。
SIR CHARLES MARLOW Mr。 Gardner。 YOUNG
MARLOW （His Son） Mr。 Lee Lewes。 HARDCASTLE
Mr。 Shuter。 HASTINGS Mr。 Dubellamy。 TONY
LUMPKIN Mr。 Quick。 DIGGORY
Mr。 Saunders。
WOMEN。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE Mrs。 Green。 MISS
HARDCASTLE Mrs。 Bulkley。 MISS NEVILLE
Mrs。 Kniveton。 MAID Miss Williams。
LANDLORD； SERVANTS； Etc。 Etc。
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ACT THE FIRST。
SCENEA Chamber in an old…fashioned House。
Enter MRS。 HARDCASTLE and MR。 HARDCASTLE。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 I vow； Mr。 Hardcastle； you're very
particular。 Is there a creature in the whole country but ourselves； that
does not take a trip to town now and then； to rub off the rust a little？
There's the two Miss Hoggs； and our neighbour Mrs。 Grigsby； go to take a
month's polishing every winter。
HARDCASTLE。 Ay； and bring back vanity and affectation to last
them the whole year。 I wonder why London cannot keep its own fools at
home！ In my time； the follies of the town crept slowly among us； but
now they travel faster than a stage…coach。 Its fopperies come down not
only as inside passengers； but in the very basket。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 Ay； your times were fine times indeed； you
have been telling us of them for many a long year。 Here we live in an old
rumbling mansion； that looks for all the world like an inn； but that we
never see company。 Our best visitors are old Mrs。 Oddfish； the curate's
wife； and little Cripplegate； the lame dancing…master； and all our
entertainment your old stories of Prince Eugene and the Duke of
Marlborough。 I hate such old…fashioned trumpery。
HARDCASTLE。 And I love it。 I love everything that's old： old
friends； old times； old manners； old books； old wine； and I believe；
Dorothy （taking her hand）； you'll own I have been pretty fond of an old
wife。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 Lord； Mr。 Hardcastle； you're for ever at your
Dorothys and your old wifes。 You may be a Darby； but I'll be no Joan； I
promise you。 I'm not so old as you'd make me； by more than one good
year。 Add twenty to twenty； and make money of that。
HARDCASTLE。 Let me see； twenty added to twenty makes just
fifty and seven。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 It's false； Mr。 Hardcastle； I was but twenty
when I was brought to bed of Tony； that I had by Mr。 Lumpkin； my first
husband； and he's not come to years of discretion yet。
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HARDCASTLE。 Nor ever will； I dare answer for him。 Ay； you
have taught him finely。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 No matter。 Tony Lumpkin has a good
fortune。 My son is not to live by his learning。 I don't think a boy wants
much learning to spend fifteen hundred a year。
HARDCASTLE。 Learning； quotha！ a mere composition of tricks and
mischief。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 Humour； my dear； nothing but humour。
Come； Mr。 Hardcastle； you must allow the boy a little humour。
HARDCASTLE。 I'd sooner allow him a horse…pond。 If burning the
footmen's shoes； frightening the maids； and worrying the kittens be
humour； he has it。 It was but yesterday he fastened my wig to the back of
my chair； and when I went to make a bow； I popt my bald head in Mrs。
Frizzle's face。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 And am I to blame？ The poor boy was
always too sickly to do any good。 A school would be his death。 When
he comes to be a little stronger； who knows what a year or two's Latin may
do for him？
HARDCASTLE。 Latin for him！ A cat and fiddle。 No； no； the
alehouse and the stable are the only schools he'll ever go to。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。