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account of myself。 ＇Exit Servant。＇
MARLOW。 Ha！ ha！ ha！ They're safe； however。 What an
unaccountable set of beings have we got amongst！ This little bar…maid
though runs in my head most strangely； and drives out the absurdities of
all the rest of the family。 She's mine； she must be mine； or I'm greatly
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mistaken。
Enter HASTINGS。
HASTINGS。 Bless me！ I quite forgot to tell her that I intended to
prepare at the bottom of the garden。 Marlow here； and in spirits too！
MARLOW。 Give me joy； George！ Crown me； shadow me with
laurels！ Well； George； after all； we modest fellows don't want for success
among the women。
HASTINGS。 Some women； you mean。 But what success has your
honour's modesty been crowned with now； that it grows so insolent upon
us？
MARLOW。 Didn't you see the tempting； brisk； lovely little thing；
that runs about the house with a bunch of keys to its girdle？
HASTINGS。 Well； and what then？
MARLOW。 She's mine； you rogue you。 Such fire； such motion；
such eyes； such lips； but； egad！ she would not let me kiss them though。
HASTINGS。 But are you so sure； so very sure of her？
MARLOW。 Why； man； she talked of showing me her work above
stairs； and I am to improve the pattern。
HASTINGS。 But how can you； Charles； go about to rob a woman of
her honour？
MARLOW。 Pshaw！ pshaw！ We all know the honour of the bar…
maid of an inn。 I don't intend to rob her； take my word for it； there's
nothing in this house I shan't honestly pay for。
HASTINGS。 I believe the girl has virtue。
MARLOW。 And if she has； I should be the last man in the world that
would attempt to corrupt it。
HASTINGS。 You have taken care； I hope； of the casket I sent you to
lock up？ Is it in safety？
MARLOW。 Yes； yes。 It's safe enough。 I have taken care of it。
But how could you think the seat of a post…coach at an inn…door a place of
safety？ Ah！ numskull！ I have taken better precautions for you than you
did for yourselfI have
HASTINGS。 What？
MARLOW。 I have sent it to the landlady to keep for you。
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HASTINGS。 To the landlady！
MARLOW。 The landlady。
HASTINGS。 You did？
MARLOW。 I did。 She's to be answerable for its forthcoming； you
know。
HASTINGS。 Yes； she'll bring it forth with a witness。
MARLOW。 Wasn't I right？ I believe you'll allow that I acted
prudently upon this occasion。
HASTINGS。 （Aside。） He must not see my uneasiness。
MARLOW。 You seem a little disconcerted though； methinks。 Sure
nothing has happened？
HASTINGS。 No； nothing。 Never was in better spirits in all my life。
And so you left it with the landlady； who； no doubt； very readily undertook
the charge。
MARLOW。 Rather too readily。 For she not only kept the casket；
but； through her great precaution； was going to keep the messenger too。
Ha！ ha！ ha！
HASTINGS。 He！ he！ he！ They're safe； however。
MARLOW。 As a guinea in a miser's purse。
HASTINGS。 （Aside。） So now all hopes of fortune are at an end；
and we must set off without it。 （To him。） Well； Charles； I'll leave you
to your meditations on the pretty bar…maid； and； he！ he！ he！ may you be as
successful for yourself； as you have been for me！ ＇Exit。＇
MARLOW。 Thank ye； George： I ask no more。 Ha！ ha！ ha！
Enter HARDCASTLE。
HARDCASTLE。 I no longer know my own house。 It's turned all
topsy…turvy。 His servants have got drunk already。 I'll bear it no longer；
and yet； from my respect for his father； I'll be calm。 （To him。） Mr。
Marlow； your servant。 I'm your very humble servant。 （Bowing low。）
MARLOW。 Sir； your humble servant。 （Aside。） What's to be the
wonder now？
HARDCASTLE。 I believe； sir； you must be sensible； sir； that no man
alive ought to be more welcome than your father's son； sir。 I hope you
think so？
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MARLOW。 I do from my soul； sir。 I don't want much entreaty。 I
generally make my father's son welcome wherever he goes。
HARDCASTLE。 I believe you do； from my soul； sir。 But though I
say nothing to your own conduct； that of your servants is insufferable。
Their manner of drinking is setting a very bad example in this house； I
assure you。
MARLOW。 I protest； my very good sir； that is no fault of mine。 If
they don't drink as they ought； they are to blame。 I ordered them not to
spare the cellar。 I did； I assure you。 （To the side scene。） Here； let one
of my servants come up。 （To him。） My positive directions were； that as
I did not drink myself； they should make up for my deficiencies below。
HARDCASTLE。 Then they had your orders for what they do？ I'm
satisfied！
MARLOW。 They had； I assure you。 You shall hear from one of
themselves。
Enter Servant； drunk。
MARLOW。 You； Jeremy！ Come forward； sirrah！ What were my
orders？ Were you not told to drink freely； and call for what you thought
fit； for the good of the house？
HARDCASTLE。 （Aside。） I begin to lose my patience。
JEREMY。 Please your honour； liberty and Fleet…street for ever！
Though I'm but a servant； I'm as good as another man。 I'll drink for no
man before supper； sir； damme！ Good liquor will sit upon a good supper；
but a good supper will not sit uponhiccupon my conscience； sir。
MARLOW。 You see； my old friend； the fellow is as drunk as he can
possibly be。 I don't know what you'd have more； unless you'd have the
poor devil soused in a beer…barrel。
HARDCASTLE。 Zounds！ he'll drive me distracted； if I contain
myself any longer。 Mr。 MarlowSir； I have submitted to your insolence
for more than four hours； and I see no likelihood of its coming to an end。
I'm now resolved to be master here； sir； and I desire that you and your
drunken pack may leave my house directly。
MARLOW。 Leave your house！Sure you jest； my good friend！
What？ when I'm doing what I can to please you。
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HARDCASTLE。 I tell you； sir； you don't please me； so I desire
you'll leave my house。
MARLOW。 Sure you cannot be serious？ At this time o' night； and
such a night？ You only mean to banter me。
HARDCASTLE。 I tell you； sir； I'm serious！ and now that my
passions are roused； I say this house is mine； sir； this house is mine； and I
command you to leave it directly。
MARLOW。 Ha！ ha！ ha！ A puddle in a storm。 I shan't stir a step； I
assure you。 （In a serious tone。） This your house； fellow！ It's my
house。 This is my house。 Mine； while I choose to stay。 What right
have you to bid me leave this house； sir？ I never met with such
impudence； curse me； never in my whole life before。
HARDCASTLE。 Nor I； confound me if ever I did。 To come to my
house； to call for what he likes； to turn me out of my own chair； to insult
the family； to order his servants to get drunk； and then to tell me； 〃This
house is mine； sir。〃 By all that's impudent； it makes me laugh。 Ha！ ha！
ha！ Pray； sir （bantering）； as you take the house； what think you of taking
the rest of the furniture？ There's a pair of silver candlesticks； and there's
a fire…screen； and here's a pair of brazen…nosed bellows； perhaps you may
take a fancy to them？