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The Bab Ballads
The Bab Ballads
W。 S。 Gilbert
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The Bab Ballads
Ballad： Captain Reece
Of all the ships upon the blue； No ship contained a better crew Than
that of worthy CAPTAIN REECE； Commanding of THE
MANTELPIECE。
He was adored by all his men； For worthy CAPTAIN REECE； R。N。；
Did all that lay within him to Promote the comfort of his crew。
If ever they were dull or sad； Their captain danced to them like mad；
Or told； to make the time pass by； Droll legends of his infancy。
A feather bed had every man； Warm slippers and hot…water can； Brown
windsor from the captain's store； A valet； too； to every four。
Did they with thirst in summer burn； Lo； seltzogenes at every turn；
And on all very sultry days Cream ices handed round on trays。
Then currant wine and ginger pops Stood handily on all the 〃tops；〃
And also； with amusement rife； A 〃Zoetrope； or Wheel of Life。〃
New volumes came across the sea From MISTER MUDIE'S libraree；
THE TIMES and SATURDAY REVIEW Beguiled the leisure of the crew。
Kind…hearted CAPTAIN REECE； R。N。； Was quite devoted to his men；
In point of fact； good CAPTAIN REECE Beatified THE MANTELPIECE。
One summer eve； at half…past ten； He said （addressing all his men）：
〃Come； tell me； please； what I can do To please and gratify my crew。
〃By any reasonable plan I'll make you happy if I can； My own
convenience count as NIL： It is my duty； and I will。〃
Then up and answered WILLIAM LEE （The kindly captain's coxswain
he； A nervous； shy； low…spoken man）； He cleared his throat and thus
began：
〃You have a daughter； CAPTAIN REECE； Ten female cousins and a
niece； A Ma； if what I'm told is true； Six sisters； and an aunt or two。
〃Now； somehow； sir； it seems to me； More friendly…like we all should
be； If you united of 'em to Unmarried members of the crew。
〃If you'd ameliorate our life； Let each select from them a wife； And as
for nervous me； old pal； Give me your own enchanting gal！〃
Good CAPTAIN REECE； that worthy man； Debated on his coxswain's
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The Bab Ballads
plan： 〃I quite agree；〃 he said； 〃O BILL； It is my duty； and I will。
〃My daughter； that enchanting gurl； Has just been promised to an Earl；
And all my other familee To peers of various degree。
〃But what are dukes and viscounts to The happiness of all my crew？
The word I gave you I'll fulfil； It is my duty； and I will。
〃As you desire it shall befall； I'll settle thousands on you all； And I
shall be； despite my hoard； The only bachelor on board。〃
The boatswain of THE MANTELPIECE； He blushed and spoke to
CAPTAIN REECE： 〃I beg your honour's leave；〃 he said； 〃If you would
wish to go and wed；
〃I have a widowed mother who Would be the very thing for you … She
long has loved you from afar： She washes for you； CAPTAIN R。〃
The Captain saw the dame that day … Addressed her in his playful way
… 〃And did it want a wedding ring？ It was a tempting ickle sing！
〃Well； well； the chaplain I will seek； We'll all be married this day week
At yonder church upon the hill； It is my duty； and I will！〃
The sisters； cousins； aunts； and niece； And widowed Ma of CAPTAIN
REECE； Attended there as they were bid； It was their duty； and they did。
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The Bab Ballads
Ballad： The Rival Curates
List while the poet trolls Of MR。 CLAYTON HOOPER； Who had a
cure of souls At Spiffton…extra…Sooper。
He lived on curds and whey； And daily sang their praises； And then
he'd go and play With buttercups and daisies。
Wild croquet HOOPER banned； And all the sports of Mammon； He
warred with cribbage； and He exorcised backgammon。
His helmet was a glance That spoke of holy gladness； A saintly smile
his lance； His shield a tear of sadness。
His Vicar smiled to see This armour on him buckled： With pardonable
glee He blessed himself and chuckled。
〃In mildness to abound My curate's sole design is； In all the country
round There's none so mild as mine is！〃
And HOOPER； disinclined His trumpet to be blowing； Yet didn't think
you'd find A milder curate going。
A friend arrived one day At Spiffton…extra…Sooper； And in this
shameful way He spoke to Mr。 HOOPER：
〃You think your famous name For mildness can't be shaken； That none
can blot your fame … But； HOOPER； you're mistaken！
〃Your mind is not as blank As that of HOPLEY PORTER； Who holds
a curate's rank At Assesmilk…cum…Worter。
〃HE plays the airy flute； And looks depressed and blighted； Doves
round about him 'toot；' And lambkins dance delighted。
〃HE labours more than you At worsted work； and frames it； In old
maids' albums； too； Sticks seaweed … yes； and names it！〃
The tempter said his say； Which pierced him like a needle … He
summoned straight away His sexton and his beadle。
（These men were men who could Hold liberal opinions： On Sundays
they were good … On week…days they were minions。）
〃To HOPLEY PORTER go； Your fare I will afford you … Deal him a
deadly blow； And blessings shall reward you。
〃But stay … I do not like Undue assassination； And so before you strike；
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The Bab Ballads
Make this communication：
〃I'll give him this one chance … If he'll more gaily bear him； Play
croquet； smoke； and dance； I willingly will spare him。〃
They went； those minions true； To Assesmilk…cum…Worter； And told
their errand to The REVEREND HOPLEY PORTER。
〃What？〃 said that reverend gent； 〃Dance through my hours of leisure？
Smoke？ … bathe myself with scent？ … Play croquet？ Oh； with pleasure！
〃Wear all my hair in curl？ Stand at my door and wink … so … At every
passing girl？ My brothers； I should think so！
〃For years I've longed for some Excuse for this revulsion： Now that
excuse has come … I do it on compulsion！！！〃
He smoked and winked away … This REVEREND HOPLEY PORTER
… The deuce there was to pay At Assesmilk…cum…Worter。
And HOOPER holds his ground； In mildness daily growing … They
think him； all around； The mildest curate going。
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The Bab Ballads
Ballad： Only A Dancing Girl
Only a dancing girl； With an unromantic style； With borrowed colour
and curl； With fixed mechanical smile； With many a hackneyed wile； With
ungrammatical lips； And corns that mar her trips。
Hung from the 〃flies〃 in air； She acts a palpable lie； She's as little a
fairy there As unpoetical I！ I hear you asking； Why … Why in the world I
sing This tawdry； tinselled thing？
No airy fairy she； As she hangs in arsenic green From a highly
impossible tree In a highly impossible scene （Herself not over…clean）。 For
fays don't suffer； I'm told； From bunions； coughs； or cold。
And stately dames that bring Their daughters there to see； Pronounce
the 〃dancing thing〃 No better than she should be； With her skirt at her
shameful knee； And her painted； tainted phiz： Ah； matron； which of us is？
（And； in sooth； it oft occurs That while these matrons sigh； Their
dresses are lower than hers； And sometimes half as high； And their hair is
hair they buy； And they use their glasses； too； In a way she'd blush to do。）
But change her gold and green For a coarse merino gown； And see her
upon the scene Of her home； when coaxing down Her drunken father's
frown； In his squalid cheerless den： She's a fairy truly； then！
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The Bab Ballads
Ballad： General John
The bravest names for fire and flames And all that mortal durst； Were
GENERAL JOHN and PRIVATE JAMES； Of the Sixty…seventy…first。
GENERAL JOHN was a soldier tried； A chief of wa