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The Bab Ballads
course；〃 replied puzzled old POND。 〃I see；〃 said old TOMMY MORELL。
〃Very good； then；〃 continued the lord； 〃When it's fooled to the top of
its bent； With a sweep of a Damocles sword The web of intention is rent。
〃That's patent to all of us here； As any mere schoolboy can tell。〃
POND answered； 〃Of course it's quite clear〃； And so did that humbug
MORELL。
〃Its tone's esoteric in force … I trust that I make myself clear？〃
MORELL only answered； 〃Of course；〃 While POND slowly muttered；
〃Hear； hear。〃
〃Volition … celestial prize； Pellucid as porphyry cell … Is based on a
principle wise。〃 〃Quite so；〃 exclaimed POND and MORELL。
〃From what I have said you will see That I couldn't wed either … in fine；
By Nature's unchanging decree YOUR daughters could never be MINE。
〃Go home to your pigs and your ricks； My hands of the matter I've
rinsed。〃 So they take up their hats and their sticks； 。 And EXEUNT AMBO；
convinced。
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The Bab Ballads
Ballad： The Ghost； The Gallant；
The Gael； And The Goblin
O'er unreclaimed suburban clays Some years ago were hobblin' An
elderly ghost of easy ways； And an influential goblin。 The ghost was a
sombre spectral shape； A fine old five…act fogy； The goblin imp； a lithe
young ape； A fine low…comedy bogy。
And as they exercised their joints； Promoting quick digestion； They
talked on several curious points； And raised this delicate question： 〃Which
of us two is Number One … The ghostie； or the goblin？〃 And o'er the point
they raised in fun They fairly fell a…squabblin'。
They'd barely speak； and each； in fine； Grew more and more reflective：
Each thought his own particular line By chalks the more effective。 At
length they settled some one should By each of them be haunted； And so
arrange that either could Exert his prowess vaunted。
〃The Quaint against the Statuesque〃 … By competition lawful … The
goblin backed the Quaint Grotesque； The ghost the Grandly Awful。 〃Now；〃
said the goblin； 〃here's my plan … In attitude commanding； I see a stalwart
Englishman By yonder tailor's standing。
〃The very fittest man on earth My influence to try on … Of gentle；
p'r'aps of noble birth； And dauntless as a lion！ Now wrap yourself within
your shroud … Remain in easy hearing … Observe … you'll hear him scream
aloud When I begin appearing！
The imp with yell unearthly … wild … Threw off his dark enclosure： His
dauntless victim looked and smiled With singular composure。 For hours he
tried to daunt the youth； For days； indeed； but vainly … The stripling smiled！
… to tell the truth； The stripling smiled inanely。
For weeks the goblin weird and wild； That noble stripling haunted； For
weeks the stripling stood and smiled； Unmoved and all undaunted。 The
sombre ghost exclaimed； 〃Your plan Has failed you； goblin； plainly： Now
watch yon hardy Hieland man； So stalwart and ungainly。
〃These are the men who chase the roe； Whose footsteps never falter；
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Who bring with them； where'er they go； A smack of old SIR WALTER。 Of
such as he； the men sublime Who lead their troops victorious； Whose
deeds go down to after…time； Enshrined in annals glorious！
〃Of such as he the bard has said 'Hech thrawfu' raltie rorkie！ Wi' thecht
ta' croonie clapperhead And fash' wi' unco pawkie！' He'll faint away when
I appear； Upon his native heather； Or p'r'aps he'll only scream with fear； Or
p'r'aps the two together。〃
The spectre showed himself； alone； To do his ghostly battling； With
curdling groan and dismal moan； And lots of chains a…rattling！ But no … the
chiel's stout Gaelic stuff Withstood all ghostly harrying； His fingers closed
upon the snuff Which upwards he was carrying。
For days that ghost declined to stir； A foggy shapeless giant … For
weeks that splendid officer Stared back again defiant。 Just as the
Englishman returned The goblin's vulgar staring； Just so the Scotchman
boldly spurned The ghost's unmannered scaring。
For several years the ghostly twain These Britons bold have haunted；
But all their efforts are in vain … Their victims stand undaunted。 This very
day the imp； and ghost； Whose powers the imp derided； Stand each at his
allotted post … The bet is undecided。
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The Bab Ballads
Ballad： The Phantom Curate。 A
Fable
A BISHOP once … I will not name his see … Annoyed his clergy in the
mode conventional； From pulpit shackles never set them free； And found a
sin where sin was unintentional。 All pleasures ended in abuse auricular …
The Bishop was so terribly particular。
Though； on the whole； a wise and upright man； He sought to make of
human pleasures clearances； And form his priests on that much…lauded
plan Which pays undue attention to appearances。 He couldn't do good
deeds without a psalm in 'em； Although； in truth； he bore away the palm in
'em。
Enraged to find a deacon at a dance； Or catch a curate at some mild
frivolity； He sought by open censure to enhance Their dread of joining
harmless social jollity。 Yet he enjoyed （a fact of notoriety） The ordinary
pleasures of society。
One evening； sitting at a pantomime （Forbidden treat to those who
stood in fear of him）； Roaring at jokes； SANS metre； sense； or rhyme； He
turned； and saw immediately in rear of him； His peace of mind upsetting；
and annoying it； A curate； also heartily enjoying it。
Again； 't was Christmas Eve； and to enhance His children's pleasure in
their harmless rollicking； He； like a good old fellow； stood to dance； When
something checked the current of his frolicking： That curate； with a maid
he treated lover…ly； Stood up and figured with him in the 〃Coverley！〃
Once； yielding to an universal choice （The company's demand was an
emphatic one； For the old Bishop had a glorious voice）； In a quartet he
joined … an operatic one。 Harmless enough； though ne'er a word of grace in
it； When； lo！ that curate came and took the bass in it！
One day； when passing through a quiet street； He stopped awhile and
joined a Punch's gathering； And chuckled more than solemn folk think
meet； To see that gentleman his Judy lathering； And heard； as Punch was
being treated penalty； That phantom curate laughing all hyaenally。
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The Bab Ballads
Now at a picnic； 'mid fair golden curls； Bright eyes； straw hats；
BOTTINES that fit amazingly； A croquet…bout is planned by all the girls；
And he； consenting； speaks of croquet praisingly； But suddenly declines to
play at all in it … The curate fiend has come to take a ball in it！
Next； when at quiet sea…side village； freed From cares episcopal and
ties monarchical； He grows his beard； and smokes his fragrant weed； In
manner anything but hierarchical … He sees … and fixes an unearthly stare
on it … That curate's face； with half a yard of hair on it！
At length he gave a charge； and spake this word： 〃Vicars； your curates
to enjoyment urge ye may； To check their harmless pleasuring's absurd；
What laymen do without reproach； my clergy may。〃 He spake； and lo！ at
this concluding word of him； The curate vanished … no one since has heard
of him。
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The Bab Ballads
Ballad： The Sensation Captain
No nobler captain ever trod Than CAPTAIN PARKLEBURY TODD；
So good … so wise … so brave； he！ But still； as all his friends would own； He
had one folly … one alone … This Captain in the Navy。
I do not think I ever knew A man so wholly given to Creating a
sensation； Or p'raps I should in justice say … To what in an Adel