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residence in Canonbury Square！
They led a weird and reckless life； They dined each day； this man and
wife （Pray disbelieve it； if you please）； On a joint of meat； a pudding； and
a little bit of cheese。
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In time came those maternal joys Which take the form of girls or boys；
And strange to say of each they'd one … A tiddy…iddy daughter； and a tiddy…
iddy son！
Oh； list to this incredible tale Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET
HALE； Its truth in one remark you'll sum … 〃Twaddle twaddle twaddle
twaddle twaddle twaddle twum！〃
My name for truth is gone； I fear； But； monstrous as it may appear；
They let their drawing…room one day To an eligible person in the cotton…
broking way。
Whenever THOMSON GREEN fell sick His wife called in a doctor；
quick； From whom some words like these would come … FIAT MIST。
SUMENDUM HAUSTUS； in a COCHLEYAREUM。
For thirty years this curious pair Hung out in Canonbury Square； And
somehow； wonderful to say； They loved each other dearly in a quiet sort of
way。
Well； THOMSON GREEN fell ill and died； For just a year his widow
cried； And then her heart she gave away To the eligible lodger in the
cotton…broking way。
Oh； list to this incredible tale Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET
HALE； Its truth in one remark you'll sum … 〃Twaddle twaddle twaddle
twaddle twaddle twaddle twum！〃
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Ballad： Bob Polter
BOB POLTER was a navvy； and His hands were coarse； and dirty too；
His homely face was rough and tanned； His time of life was thirty…two。
He lived among a working clan （A wife he hadn't got at all）； A decent；
steady； sober man … No saint； however … not at all。
He smoked； but in a modest way； Because he thought he needed it； He
drank a pot of beer a day； And sometimes he exceeded it。
At times he'd pass with other men A loud convivial night or two； With；
very likely； now and then； On Saturdays； a fight or two。
But still he was a sober soul； A labour…never…shirking man； Who paid
his way … upon the whole A decent English working man。
One day； when at the Nelson's Head （For which he may be blamed of
you）； A holy man appeared； and said； 〃Oh； ROBERT； I'm ashamed of
you。〃
He laid his hand on ROBERT'S beer Before he could drink up any；
And on the floor； with sigh and tear； He poured the pot of 〃thruppenny。〃
〃Oh； ROBERT； at this very bar A truth you'll be discovering； A good
and evil genius are Around your noddle hovering。
〃They both are here to bid you shun The other one's society； For Total
Abstinence is one； The other； Inebriety。〃
He waved his hand … a vapour came … A wizard POLTER reckoned him；
A bogy rose and called his name； And with his finger beckoned him。
The monster's salient points to sum； … His heavy breath was portery：
His glowing nose suggested rum： His eyes were gin…and…WORtery。
His dress was torn … for dregs of ale And slops of gin had rusted it； His
pimpled face was wan and pale； Where filth had not encrusted it。
〃Come； POLTER；〃 said the fiend； 〃begin； And keep the bowl a…
flowing on … A working man needs pints of gin To keep his clockwork
going on。〃
BOB shuddered： 〃Ah； you've made a miss If you take me for one of
you： You filthy beast； get out of this … BOB POLTER don't wan't none of
you。〃
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The demon gave a drunken shriek； And crept away in stealthiness； And
lo！ instead； a person sleek； Who seemed to burst with healthiness。
〃In me； as your adviser hints； Of Abstinence you've got a type … Of MR。
TWEEDIE'S pretty prints I am the happy prototype。
〃If you abjure the social toast； And pipes； and such frivolities； You
possibly some day may boast My prepossessing qualities！〃
BOB rubbed his eyes； and made 'em blink： 〃You almost make me
tremble； you！ If I abjure fermented drink； Shall I； indeed； resemble you？
〃And will my whiskers curl so tight？ My cheeks grow smug and
muttony？ My face become so red and white？ My coat so blue and
buttony？
〃Will trousers； such as yours； array Extremities inferior？ Will
chubbiness assert its sway All over my exterior？
〃In this； my unenlightened state； To work in heavy boots I comes； Will
pumps henceforward decorate My tiddle toddle tootsicums？
〃And shall I get so plump and fresh； And look no longer seedily？ My
skin will henceforth fit my flesh So tightly and so TWEEDIE…ly？〃
The phantom said； 〃You'll have all this； You'll know no kind of
huffiness； Your life will be one chubby bliss； One long unruffled
puffiness！〃 〃Be off！〃 said irritated BOB。 〃Why come you here to bother
one？ You pharisaical old snob； You're wuss almost than t'other one！
〃I takes my pipe … I takes my pot； And drunk I'm never seen to be： I'm
no teetotaller or sot； And as I am I mean to be！〃
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Ballad： The Story Of Prince Agib
Strike the concertina's melancholy string！ Blow the spirit…stirring harp
like anything！ Let the piano's martial blast Rouse the Echoes of the Past；
For of AGIB； PRINCE OF TARTARY； I sing！
Of AGIB； who； amid Tartaric scenes； Wrote a lot of ballet music in his
teens： His gentle spirit rolls In the melody of souls … Which is pretty； but I
don't know what it means。
Of AGIB； who could readily； at sight； Strum a march upon the loud
Theodolite。 He would diligently play On the Zoetrope all day； And blow
the gay Pantechnicon all night。
One winter … I am shaky in my dates … Came two starving Tartar
minstrels to his gates； Oh； ALLAH be obeyed； How infernally they played！
I remember that they called themselves the 〃Ouaits。〃
Oh！ that day of sorrow； misery； and rage； I shall carry to the
Catacombs of Age； Photographically lined On the tablet of my mind；
When a yesterday has faded from its page！
Alas！ PRINCE AGIB went and asked them in； Gave them beer； and
eggs； and sweets； and scent； and tin。 And when （as snobs would say） They
had 〃put it all away；〃 He requested them to tune up and begin。
Though its icy horror chill you to the core； I will tell you what I never
told before； … The consequences true Of that awful interview； FOR I
LISTENED AT THE KEYHOLE IN THE DOOR！
They played him a sonata … let me see！ 〃MEDULLA OBLONGATA〃 …
key of G。 Then they began to sing That extremely lovely thing；
SCHERZANDO！ MA NON TROPPO； PPP。〃
He gave them money； more than they could count； Scent from a most
ingenious little fount； More beer； in little kegs； Many dozen hard…boiled
eggs； And goodies to a fabulous amount。
Now follows the dim horror of my tale； And I feel I'm growing
gradually pale； For； even at this day； Though its sting has passed away；
When I venture to remember it； I quail！
The elder of the brothers gave a squeal； All…overish it made me for to
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feel； 〃Oh； PRINCE；〃 he says； says he； 〃IF A PRINCE INDEED YOU BE；
I've a mystery I'm going to reveal！
〃Oh； listen； if you'd shun a horrid death； To what the gent who's
speaking to you saith： No 'Ouaits' in truth are we； As you fancy that we be；
For （ter…remble！） I am ALECK … this is BETH！〃
Said AGIB； 〃Oh！ accursed of your kind； I have heard that ye are men
of evil mind！〃 BETH gave a dreadful shriek … But before he'd time to
speak I was mercilessly collared from behind。
In number ten or twelve； or even more； They fastened me full length
upon the floor。 On my face extended flat； I was walloped with a cat For
listening at the keyhole of a door。
Oh！ the horror of that agonizing thrill！ （I can feel the place in frosty
weather still）。 For a week from ten to four I w