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Oh！ the horror of that agonizing thrill！ （I can feel the place in frosty
weather still）。 For a week from ten to four I was fastened to the floor；
While a mercenary wopped me with a will
They branded me and broke me on a wheel； And they left me in an
hospital to heal； And； upon my solemn word； I have never never heard
What those Tartars had determined to reveal。
But that day of sorrow； misery； and rage； I shall carry to the Catacombs
of Age； Photographically lined On the tablet of my mind； When a
yesterday has faded from its page
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Ballad： Ellen McJones Aberdeen
MACPHAIRSON CLONGLOCKETTY ANGUS McCLAN Was the
son of an elderly labouring man； You've guessed him a Scotchman； shrewd
reader； at sight； And p'r'aps altogether； shrewd reader； you're right。
From the bonnie blue Forth to the lovely Deeside； Round by Dingwall
and Wrath to the mouth of the Clyde； There wasn't a child or a woman or
man Who could pipe with CLONGLOCKETTY ANGUS McCLAN。
No other could wake such detestable groans； With reed and with
chaunter … with bag and with drones： All day and ill night he delighted the
chiels With sniggering pibrochs and jiggety reels。
He'd clamber a mountain and squat on the ground； And the
neighbouring maidens would gather around To list to the pipes and to gaze
in his een； Especially ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN。
All loved their McCLAN； save a Sassenach brute； Who came to the
Highlands to fish and to shoot； He dressed himself up in a Highlander way；
Tho' his name it was PATTISON CORBY TORBAY。
TORBAY had incurred a good deal of expense To make him a
Scotchman in every sense； But this is a matter； you'll readily own； That
isn't a question of tailors alone。
A Sassenach chief may be bonily built； He may purchase a sporran； a
bonnet； and kilt； Stick a skean in his hose … wear an acre of stripes … But he
cannot assume an affection for pipes。
CLONGLOCKETY'S pipings all night and all day Quite frenzied poor
PATTISON CORBY TORBAY； The girls were amused at his singular
spleen； Especially ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN；
〃MACPHAIRSON CLONGLOCKETTY ANGUS； my lad； With
pibrochs and reels you are driving me mad。 If you really must play on that
cursed affair； My goodness！ play something resembling an air。〃
Boiled over the blood of MACPHAIRSON McCLAN … The Clan of
Clonglocketty rose as one man； For all were enraged at the insult； I ween …
Especially ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN。
〃Let's show；〃 said McCLAN； 〃to this Sassenach loon That the
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bagpipes CAN play him a regular tune。 Let's see；〃 said McCLAN； as he
thoughtfully sat； 〃'IN MY COTTAGE' is easy … I'll practise at that。〃
He blew at his 〃Cottage；〃 and blew with a will； For a year； seven
months； and a fortnight； until （You'll hardly believe it） McCLAN； I declare；
Elicited something resembling an air。
It was wild … it was fitful … as wild as the breeze … It wandered about
into several keys； It was jerky； spasmodic； and harsh； I'm aware； But still it
distinctly suggested an air。
The Sassenach screamed； and the Sassenach danced； He shrieked in
his agony … bellowed and pranced； And the maidens who gathered rejoiced
at the scene … Especially ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN。
〃Hech gather； hech gather； hech gather around； And fill a' ye lugs wi'
the exquisite sound。 An air fra' the bagpipes … beat that if ye can！ Hurrah
for CLONGLOCKETTY ANGUS McCLAN！〃
The fame of his piping spread over the land： Respectable widows
proposed for his hand； And maidens came flocking to sit on the green …
Especially ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN。
One morning the fidgety Sassenach swore He'd stand it no longer … he
drew his claymore； And （this was； I think； in extremely bad taste） Divided
CLONGLOCKETTY close to the waist。
Oh！ loud were the wailings for ANGUS McCLAN； Oh！ deep was the
grief for that excellent man； The maids stood aghast at the horrible scene …
Especially ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN。
It sorrowed poor PATTISON CORBY TORBAY To find them 〃take
on〃 in this serious way； He pitied the poor little fluttering birds； And
solaced their souls with the following words：
〃Oh； maidens；〃 said PATTISON； touching his hat； 〃Don't blubber； my
dears； for a fellow like that； Observe； I'm a very superior man； A much
better fellow than ANGUS McCLAN。〃
They smiled when he winked and addressed them as 〃dears；〃 And they
all of them vowed； as they dried up their tears； A pleasanter gentleman
never was seen … Especially ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN。
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Ballad： Peter The Wag
Policeman PETER forth I drag From his obscure retreat： He was a
merry genial wag； Who loved a mad conceit。 If he were asked the time of
day； By country bumpkins green； He not unfrequently would say； 〃A
quarter past thirteen。〃
If ever you by word of mouth Inquired of MISTER FORTH The way
to somewhere in the South； He always sent you North。 With little boys his
beat along He loved to stop and play； He loved to send old ladies wrong；
And teach their feet to stray。
He would in frolic moments； when Such mischief bent upon； Take
Bishops up as betting men … Bid Ministers move on。 Then all the worthy
boys he knew He regularly licked； And always collared people who Had
had their pockets picked。
He was not naturally bad； Or viciously inclined； But from his early
youth he had A waggish turn of mind。 The Men of London grimly scowled
With indignation wild； The Men of London gruffly growled； But PETER
calmly smiled。
Against this minion of the Crown The swelling murmurs grew … From
Camberwell to Kentish Town … From Rotherhithe to Kew。 Still humoured
he his wagsome turn； And fed in various ways The coward rage that dared
to burn； But did not dare to blaze。
Still； Retribution has her day； Although her flight is slow： ONE DAY
THAT CRUSHER LOST HIS WAY NEAR POLAND STREET； SOHO。
The haughty boy； too proud to ask； To find his way resolved； And in the
tangle of his task Got more and more involved。
The Men of London； overjoyed； Came there to jeer their foe； And
flocking crowds completely cloyed The mazes of Soho。 The news on
telegraphic wires Sped swiftly o'er the lea； Excursion trains from distant
shires Brought myriads to see。
For weeks he trod his self…made beats Through Newport… Gerrard…
Bear… Greek… Rupert… Frith… Dean… Poland… Streets； And into Golden
Square。 But all； alas！ in vain； for when He tried to learn the way Of little
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boys or grown…up men； They none of them would say。
Their eyes would flash … their teeth would grind … Their lips would
tightly curl … They'd say； 〃Thy way thyself must find； Thou misdirecting
churl！〃 And； similarly； also； when He tried a foreign friend； Italians
answered； 〃IL BALEN〃 … The French； 〃No comprehend。〃
The Russ would say with gleaming eye 〃 Sevastopol！〃 and groan。 The
Greek said； ＇GREEK TEXT WHICH CANNOT BE REPRODUCED＇。〃 To
wander thus for many a year That Crusher never ceased … The Men of
London dropped a tear； Their anger was appeased
At length exploring gangs were sent To find poor FORTH'S remains …
A handsome grant by Parliament Was voted for their pains。 To seek the
poor policeman out Bold spirits volunteered； And when they swore they'd
solve the doubt； The Men of London cheered。
And in a yard； dark； dank； and drear； They found him； on the floor … It
leads from Richmond Buildings … near The Royalty stage…door。 With
brandy cold and brandy hot They plied him； starved and wet； And made
him sergeant on the spot … The Men of London's pet！
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