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〃Oh； BAINES CAREW； my woe I've kept A secret hitherto； you
know；〃 … （And BAINES CAREW； ESQUIRE； he wept To hear that BAGG
HAD any woe。）
〃My case； indeed； is passing sad。 My wife … whom I considered true …
With brutal conduct drives me mad。〃 〃I am appalled；〃 said BAINES
CAREW。
〃What！ sound the matrimonial knell Of worthy people such as these！
Why was I an attorney？ Well … Go on to the SAEVITIA； please。〃
〃Domestic bliss has proved my bane； … A harder case you never heard；
My wife （in other matters sane） Pretends that I'm a Dicky bird！
〃She makes me sing； 'Too…whit； too…wee！' And stand upon a rounded
stick； And always introduces me To every one as 'Pretty Dick'！〃
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〃Oh； dear；〃 said weeping BAINES CAREW； 〃This is the direst case I
know。〃 〃I'm grieved；〃 said BAGG； 〃at paining you … 〃To COBB and
POLTHERTHWAITE I'll go …
〃To COBB'S cold； calculating ear； My gruesome sorrows I'll impart〃
… 〃No； stop；〃 said BAINES； 〃I'll dry my tear； And steel my sympathetic
heart。〃
〃She makes me perch upon a tree； Rewarding me with 'Sweety … nice！'
And threatens to exhibit me With four or five performing mice。〃
〃Restrain my tears I wish I could〃 （Said BAINES）； 〃I don't know what
to do。〃 Said CAPTAIN BAGG； 〃You're very good。〃 〃Oh； not at all；〃 said
BAINES CAREW。
〃She makes me fire a gun；〃 said BAGG； 〃And； at a preconcerted word；
Climb up a ladder with a flag； Like any street performing bird。
〃She places sugar in my way … In public places calls me 'Sweet！' She
gives me groundsel every day； And hard canary…seed to eat。〃
〃Oh； woe！ oh； sad！ oh； dire to tell！〃 （Said BAINES）。 〃Be good
enough to stop。〃 And senseless on the floor he fell； With unpremeditated
flop！
Said CAPTAIN BAGG； 〃Well； really I Am grieved to think it pains
you so。 I thank you for your sympathy； But； hang it！ … come … I say； you
know！〃
But BAINES lay flat upon the floor； Convulsed with sympathetic sob；
… The Captain toddled off next door； And gave the case to MR。 COBB。
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Ballad： Thomas Winterbottom
Hance
In all the towns and cities fair On Merry England's broad expanse； No
swordsman ever could compare With THOMAS WINTERBOTTOM
HANCE。
The dauntless lad could fairly hew A silken handkerchief in twain；
Divide a leg of mutton too … And this without unwholesome strain。
On whole half…sheep； with cunning trick； His sabre sometimes he'd
employ … No bar of lead； however thick； Had terrors for the stalwart boy。
At Dover daily he'd prepare To hew and slash； behind； before … Which
aggravated MONSIEUR PIERRE； Who watched him from the Calais
shore。
It caused good PIERRE to swear and dance； The sight annoyed and
vexed him so； He was the bravest man in France … He said so； and he
ought to know。
〃Regardez donc； ce cochon gros … Ce polisson！ Oh； sacre bleu！ Son
sabre； son plomb； et ses gigots Comme cela m'ennuye； enfin； mon Dieu！
〃Il sait que les foulards de soie Give no retaliating whack … Les gigots
morts n'ont pas de quoi … Le plomb don't ever hit you back。〃
But every day the headstrong lad Cut lead and mutton more and more；
And every day poor PIERRE； half mad； Shrieked loud defiance from his
shore。
HANCE had a mother； poor and old； A simple； harmless village dame；
Who crowed and clapped as people told Of WINTERBOTTOM'S rising
fame。
She said； 〃I'll be upon the spot To see my TOMMY'S sabre…play；〃 And
so she left her leafy cot； And walked to Dover in a day。
PIERRE had a doating mother； who Had heard of his defiant rage； HIS
Ma was nearly ninety…two； And rather dressy for her age。
At HANCE'S doings every morn； With sheer delight HIS mother cried；
And MONSIEUR PIERRE'S contemptuous scorn Filled HIS mamma with
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proper pride。
But HANCE'S powers began to fail … His constitution was not strong …
And PIERRE； who once was stout and hale； Grew thin from shouting all
day long。
Their mothers saw them pale and wan； Maternal anguish tore each
breast； And so they met to find a plan To set their offsprings' minds at rest。
Said MRS。 HANCE； 〃Of course I shrinks From bloodshed； ma'am； as
you're aware； But still they'd better meet； I thinks。〃 〃Assurement！〃 said
MADAME PIERRE。
A sunny spot in sunny France Was hit upon for this affair； The ground
was picked by MRS。 HANCE； The stakes were pitched by MADAME
PIERRE。
Said MRS。 H。； 〃Your work you see … Go in； my noble boy； and win。〃
〃En garde； mon fils！〃 said MADAME P。 〃Allons！〃 〃Go on！〃 〃En
garde！〃 〃Begin！〃
（The mothers were of decent size； Though not particularly tall； But in
the sketch that meets your eyes I've been obliged to draw them small。）
Loud sneered the doughty man of France； 〃Ho！ ho！ Ho！ ho！ Ha！ ha！
Ha！ ha！ 〃The French for 'Pish'〃 said THOMAS HANCE。 Said PIERRE；
〃L'Anglais； Monsieur； pour 'Bah。'〃
Said MRS。 H。； 〃Come； one！ two！ three！ … We're sittin' here to see all
fair。〃 〃C'est magnifique！〃 said MADAME P。； 〃Mais； parbleu！ ce n'est pas
la guerre！〃
〃Je scorn un foe si lache que vous；〃 Said PIERRE； the doughty son of
France。 〃I fight not coward foe like you！〃 Said our undaunted TOMMY
HANCE。
〃The French for 'Pooh！'〃 our TOMMY cried。 〃L'Anglais pour 'Va！'〃 the
Frenchman crowed。 And so； with undiminished pride； Each went on his
respective road。
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Ballad： The Reverend Micah Sowls
The REVEREND MICAH SOWLS； He shouts and yells and howls；
He screams； he mouths； he bumps； He foams； he rants； he thumps。
His armour he has buckled on； to wage The regulation war against the
Stage； And warns his congregation all to shun 〃The Presence…Chamber of
the Evil One；〃
The subject's sad enough To make him rant and puff； And fortunately；
too； His Bishop's in a pew。
So REVEREND MICAH claps on extra steam； His eyes are flashing
with superior gleam； He is as energetic as can be； For there are fatter
livings in that see。
The Bishop； when it's o'er； Goes through the vestry door； Where
MICAH； very red； Is mopping of his head。
〃Pardon； my Lord； your SOWLS' excessive zeal； It is a theme on
which I strongly feel。〃 （The sermon somebody had sent him down From
London； at a charge of half…a…crown。）
The Bishop bowed his head； And； acquiescing； said； 〃I've heard your
well…meant rage Against the Modern Stage。
〃A modern Theatre； as I heard you say； Sows seeds of evil broadcast …
well it may； But let me ask you； my respected son； Pray； have you ever
ventured into one？〃
〃My Lord；〃 said MICAH； 〃no！ I never； never go！ What！ Go and see
a play？ My goodness gracious； nay！〃
The worthy Bishop said； 〃My friend； no doubt The Stage may be the
place you make it out； But if； my REVEREND SOWLS； you never go； I
don't quite understand how you're to know。〃
〃Well； really；〃 MICAH said； 〃I've often heard and read； But never go …
do you？〃 The Bishop said； 〃I do。〃
〃That proves me wrong；〃 said MICAH； in a trice： 〃I thought it all
frivolity and vice。〃 The Bishop handed him a printed card； 〃Go to a theatre
where they play our Bard。〃
The Bishop took his leave； Rejoicing in his sleeve。 The next ensuing
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day SOWLS went and heard a play。
He saw a dreary person on the stage； Who mouthed and mugged in
simulated rage； Who growled and spluttered in a mode absurd； And spoke
an English SOWLS had never heard。
For 〃gaunt〃 was spoken 〃garnt；〃 And 〃haunt〃 transformed to 〃harnt；〃
And 〃wrath 〃 pronounced as 〃rath；〃 And 〃death〃 was changed to 〃dath。〃
For hours and hours that dismal actor walked； And talked； and talked；
and talked；