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For hours and hours that dismal actor walked； And talked； and talked；
and talked； and talked； Till lethargy upon the parson crept； And sleepy
MICAH SOWLS serenely slept。
He slept away until The farce that closed the bill Had warned him not
to stay； And then he went away。
〃I thought MY gait ridiculous；〃 said he … 〃MY elocution faulty as
could be； I thought I mumbled on a matchless plan … I had not seen our
great Tragedian！
〃Forgive me； if you can； O great Tragedian！ I own it with a sigh …
You're drearier than I！〃
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Ballad： A Discontented Sugar
Broker
A GENTLEMAN of City fame Now claims your kind attention； East
India broking was his game； His name I shall not mention： No one of
finely…pointed sense Would violate a confidence； And shall I go And do it？
No！ His name I shall not mention。
He had a trusty wife and true； And very cosy quarters； A manager； a
boy or two； Six clerks； and seven porters。 A broker must be doing well （As
any lunatic can tell） Who can employ An active boy； Six clerks； and seven
porters。
His knocker advertised no dun； No losses made him sulky； He had one
sorrow … only one … He was extremely bulky。 A man must be； I beg to state；
Exceptionally fortunate Who owns his chief And only grief Is … being very
bulky。
〃This load；〃 he'd say； 〃I cannot bear； I'm nineteen stone or twenty！
Henceforward I'll go in for air And exercise in plenty。〃 Most people think
that； should it come； They can reduce a bulging tum To measures fair By
taking air And exercise in plenty。 In every weather； every day； Dry；
muddy； wet； or gritty； He took to dancing all the way From Brompton to
the City。 You do not often get the chance Of seeing sugar brokers dance
From their abode In Fulham Road Through Brompton to the City。
He braved the gay and guileless laugh Of children with their nusses；
The loud uneducated chaff Of clerks on omnibuses。 Against all minor
things that rack A nicely…balanced mind； I'll back The noisy chaff And ill…
bred laugh Of clerks on omnibuses。
His friends； who heard his money chink； And saw the house he rented；
And knew his wife； could never think What made him discontented。 It
never entered their pure minds That fads are of eccentric kinds； Nor would
they own That fat alone Could make one discontented。
〃Your riches know no kind of pause； Your trade is fast advancing； You
dance … but not for joy； because You weep as you are dancing。 To dance
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implies that man is glad； To weep implies that man is sad； But here are
you Who do the two … You weep as you are dancing！〃
His mania soon got noised about And into all the papers； His size
increased beyond a doubt For all his reckless capers： It may seem singular
to you； But all his friends admit it true … The more he found His figure
round； The more he cut his capers。
His bulk increased … no matter that … He tried the more to toss it … He
never spoke of it as 〃fat；〃 But 〃adipose deposit。〃 Upon my word； it seems
to me Unpardonable vanity （And worse than that） To call your fat An
〃adipose deposit。〃
At length his brawny knees gave way； And on the carpet sinking； Upon
his shapeless back he lay And kicked away like winking。 Instead of seeing
in his state The finger of unswerving Fate； He laboured still To work his
will； And kicked away like winking。
His friends； disgusted with him now； Away in silence wended … I
hardly like to tell you how This dreadful story ended。 The shocking sequel
to impart； I must employ the limner's art … If you would know； This sketch
will show How his exertions ended。
MORAL。
I hate to preach … I hate to prate … … I'm no fanatic croaker； But learn
contentment from the fate Of this East India broker。 He'd everything a man
of taste Could ever want； except a waist； And discontent His size anent；
And bootless perseverance blind； Completely wrecked the peace of mind
Of this East India broker。
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Ballad： The Pantomime 〃Super〃
To His Mask
Vast empty shell！ Impertinent； preposterous abortion！ With vacant
stare； And ragged hair； And every feature out of all proportion！
Embodiment of echoing inanity！ Excellent type of simpering insanity！
Unwieldy； clumsy nightmare of humanity！ I ring thy knell！
To…night thou diest； Beast that destroy'st my heaven…born identity！
Nine weeks of nights； Before the lights； Swamped in thine own
preposterous nonentity； I've been ill…treated； cursed； and thrashed diurnally；
Credited for the smile you wear externally … I feel disposed to smash thy
face； infernally； As there thou liest！
I've been thy brain： I'VE been the brain that lit thy dull concavity！ The
human race Invest MY face With thine expression of unchecked depravity；
Invested with a ghastly reciprocity； I'VE been responsible for thy
monstrosity； I； for thy wanton； blundering ferocity … But not again！
'T is time to toll Thy knell； and that of follies pantomimical： A nine
weeks' run； And thou hast done All thou canst do to make thyself inimical。
Adieu； embodiment of all inanity！ Excellent type of simpering insanity！
Unwieldy； clumsy nightmare of humanity！ Freed is thy soul！
（THE MASK RESPONDETH。）
Oh！ master mine； Look thou within thee； ere again ill…using me。 Art
thou aware Of nothing there Which might abuse thee； as thou art abusing
me？ A brain that mourns THINE unredeemed rascality？ A soul that weeps
at THY threadbare morality？ Both grieving that THEIR individuality Is
merged in thine？
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Ballad： The Force Of Argument
Lord B。 was a nobleman bold Who came of illustrious stocks； He was
thirty or forty years old； And several feet in his socks。
To Turniptopville…by…the…Sea This elegant nobleman went； For that
was a borough that he Was anxious to rep…per…re…sent。
At local assemblies he danced Until he felt thoroughly ill； He waltzed；
and he galoped； and lanced； And threaded the mazy quadrille。
The maidens of Turniptopville Were simple … ingenuous … pure … And
they all worked away with a will The nobleman's heart to secure。
Two maidens all others beyond Endeavoured his cares to dispel … The
one was the lively ANN POND； The other sad MARY MORELL。
ANN POND had determined to try And carry the Earl with a rush； Her
principal feature was eye； Her greatest accomplishment … gush。
And MARY chose this for her play： Whenever he looked in her eye
She'd blush and turn quickly away； And flitter； and flutter； and sigh。
It was noticed he constantly sighed As she worked out the scheme she
had planned； A fact he endeavoured to hide With his aristocratical hand。
Old POND was a farmer； they say； And so was old TOMMY
MORELL。 In a humble and pottering way They were doing exceedingly
well。
They both of them carried by vote The Earl was a dangerous man； So
nervously clearing his throat； One morning old TOMMY began：
〃My darter's no pratty young doll … I'm a plain…spoken Zommerzet man
… Now what do 'ee mean by my POLL； And what do 'ee mean by his
ANN？
Said B。； 〃I will give you my bond I mean them uncommonly well；
Believe me； my excellent POND； And credit me； worthy MORELL。
〃It's quite indisputable； for I'll prove it with singular ease； … You shall
have it in 'Barbara' or 'Celarent' … whichever you please。
'You see； when an anchorite bows To the yoke of intentional sin； If the
state of the country allows； Homogeny always steps in …
〃It's a highly aesthetical bond； As any mere ploughboy can tell … 〃 〃Of
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course；〃 replied puzzled old POND。 〃I see；〃 said old TOMMY MORELL