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communicate with Hungarians。 Finnish and Hungarian are widely hailed as the most
difficult languages in the world。 They’re related to each other； but not in any way that’s
helpful or even apparent。 There aren’t five words remotely similar in the two languages；
and a Hungarian and a Finn can no more understand each other than can a Japanese and a
Pole。
I long nurtured a dream of house lights coming up in the theatre。 The theatre
manager comes to centre stage and says； “Is there a Finnish…Hungarian interpreter in the
house？” I wait until he repeats his request louder so that everyone in the theatre will get a
load of those qualifications。 I then； in the fantasy； grudgingly make my presence and； by
implication； my suitability for the assignment known。 I rise and approach whatever
emergency it is that requires my linguistic talents； while those hundreds of theatre goers
gasp at their relative inadequacies。
Something like that actually did light up my life for an evening and then some。 I
was invited by a well known woman broadcaster to join another couple who had invited
her and a guest to a Madison Square Garden horse show。 I’d never dated her before。 I felt
outclassed in the glamour department； and I was uncomfortable as we four wound our
way through that upper crust crowd looking for our places。
Suddenly I was spotted by Anna Sosenko； lyricist； writer； theatre producer； and
dealer in the memorabilia of show business worldwide and down through the ages。 Anna
wrote； among other biggies； the song “Darling； Je Vous Aime Beaucoup。”
“Hey； Barry；” Anna yelled out over the crowd from about twenty rows away。 “Can
you come by my studio next week？ I need you to translate some Ibsen！”
Remember what that sudden spinach infusion did for Popeye’s biceps in the
animated cartoons？ That’s exactly what happened to my standing in the foursome after
Anna’s outcry。 My date and her friends turned to me。 “Ibsen？ You translate Ibsen？
Where did you learn to translate Ibsen？”
They may very well not have known what language Henrik Ibsen wrote in。 Never
mind！ You don’t have to be absolutely sure which country a prince is a prince of in order
to show respect； as long as you’re sure he’s a real prince。 Likewise； with Anna Sosenko
doing the yelling； everybody was convinced I could bring Ibsen to life in English。
Motivations
The ads for self study language courses stress the business； travel； cultural； and literary
advantages of acquiring another language。 But what about meeting girls？ Or women？ Or
boys？ Or men？ Why let an old fashioned propriety quash that thoroughly proper； in fact
praiseworthy； reason to learn another language； namely to enlarge your range of social
opportunities； to meet people？
Learning another language to enlarge your opportunity for making new connections
is fun and rewarding。 Financial and professional success have helped people live their
dreams。 So has learning another language！
There are blonde languages； by the way； and brunette languages。 Why be bashful？
Those partial to blondes are advised to learn Norwegian； Swedish； Danish； Finnish；
German； Dutch； and Hungarian。 A good brunette list would include Spanish； French；
Portuguese； Italian； Serbo…Croatian； Greek； Turkish； Hebrew； and Arabic。
This advice is not offered flippantly。 I find the social motive to learn other
languages as valid as the commercial； the cultural； or any other。 If your motives for
learning another language are social； I would steer you to the language of a people you
find maximally attractive with every bit as straight a face as I’d advise those interested in
importing from Asia to learn Japanese and opera lovers to learn Italian。 I would steer you
to the language of a people you find maximally attractive with every bit as straight a face
as I’d advise those interested in importing from Asia to learn Japanese and opera lovers
to learn Italian。
You are not guaranteed love forevermore； but you are guaranteed novelty status。
You’ll attract attention in your target community as “the one who went to the trouble of
learning our language。” You’ll be invited； introduced around； and questioned thoroughly
as to your reasons for studying their particular language。 The less popular the language；
the greater a celebrity you’ll be among its speakers。 French is very popular； so you won’t
have Paris at your feet； we’ve already agreed； even after your best rendered “Comment
allez…vous？”； but Norwegians will want to burn arctic moss at your altar when after a
meal you say “Takk for maten。” That means “Thanks for the food；” which non…
Norwegians not only generally don’t know how to say； but also don’t realise it’s
traditionally said as you leave the table of your host in Norway。
Native English speakers have more to gain from studying other languages than
anybody else。 Honour； love； cooperation； respect； advantage – they all shower down
upon people in inverse proportion to their need to learn a language。
English is the most prominent language in the world。 The Dutch； as one example；
all seem to know four or five languages well upon graduation from high school； but （I am
not trying to diminish their achievement） they have to learn other languages； beginning
with English； to make their way in the commercial world。 You can’t play that game with
Dutch alone。 Languages find their fair rate of exchange as currencies do。 We who speak
English get a lot more credit from the Dutch if we learn Dutch than they get from us just
because they learned English。 And so on around the world。
Learn that other language now； while there’s still time to enjoy the honours due
those who don’t have to learn the other guy’s language but choose to do so anyhow。 That
time is rapidly running out。 For the very first time in our history Americans are learning
other languages not out of courtesy but out of necessity。 That fact of life is so new that
it’s not yet apparent to America or the world； so we still have a little more time to bask in
the admiration of those who had to learn our language and who still believe we simply
chose to learn theirs。
Something ennobling happens when you learn to communicate in more than one
language。 And it’s fun to watch the magic flash as you touch your word wand to the ears
of those who’d never suspect you speak their language。 It’s one more way of making
friends。 In big cities you’ll have many chances to find people who speak foreign
languages。
But you can’t sally in and ambush strangers in their language even if their accent
and appearance make it a sure bet。 They’re probably proud of their accent free （or nearly
accent free） English。 The best way to avoid insulting them – so they can concentrate on
loving you when you speak their language – is to say； before you venture one word of
their language； “Your accent is beautiful。 Are you from England？”
They will then proudly say； “No； I’m from Poland” （or wherever）； and they will
thereupon welcome your overtures。
Get to Know the Family
Languages have their own happy surprises。 For example； Serbo…Croatian and Bulgarian
overlap。 Learn either one； and at no extra cost you get seventy percent of the other。 You
may want to select a language to learn according to how much bounce it has beyond its
borders。 Languages come in families； and it pays to know which relations might work for
you。
Let’s pursue the Serbo…Croatian…Bulgarian connection。 They’re related in
diminishing degrees to all the Slavic languages； which include Russian； Byelorussian；
Polish； Ukranian； Czech； Slovak； Slovenian； Macedonian； and Ruthenian。 They’re not all
seventy percent overlapping； but so what？ What if they’re only forty； thirty； twenty
percent overlapping？ That’s still like having the shopkeeper hand you extra cloth on a
second bolt when you thought you’d only bought one bolt of cloth。
You learn so much Italian when you learn Spanish that it’s a shame not to switch
over and pursue Italian once your Spanish is adequate。 Portugese isn’t far behind； and
even French； the Romance language least like any of the others； has enough similar
grammatical features and vocabulary to help you conquer all of the other Romance
languages。
Hindi and Urdu； the principal languages of India and Pakistan； are virtually the
same spoken language。
Dutch is far more than the language of a tiny nation between Germany and the
English Channel。 It’s almost identical to Flemish； which along with French is one of the
two principal languages of Belgium。 Dutch is the foundation of Afrikaans； which along
with English is a major language of South Africa。 And you’ll have no trouble finding
Dutch speakers all over Indonesia； the old “Spice Islands” ruled by Holland for four
hundred years。
Get to know the family of the language you’re learning – where it fits in； what other
languages it