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time full。 I enjoy no single moment of happiness： all is vain
nothing touches me。 I stand； as it were； before the raree…show：
I see the little puppets move； and I ask whether it is not an
optical illusion。 I am amused with these puppets； or； rather； I
am myself one of them： but； when I sometimes grasp my neighbour's
hand； I feel that it is not natural； and I withdraw mine with a
shudder。 In the evening I say I will enjoy the next morning's
sunrise； and yet I remain in bed： in the day I promise to ramble
by moonlight； and I； nevertheless； remain at home。 I know not why
I rise； nor why I go to sleep。
The leaven which animated my existence is gone： the charm which
cheered me in the gloom of night； and aroused me from my morning
slumbers； is for ever fled。
I have found but one being here to interest me； a Miss B。 She
resembles you； my dear Charlotte； if any one can possibly resemble
you。 〃Ah！〃 you will say； 〃he has learned how to pay fine compliments。〃
And this is partly true。 I have been very agreeable lately； as
it was not in my power to be otherwise。 I have； moreover； a deal
of wit： and the ladies say that no one understands flattery better；
or falsehoods you will add； since the one accomplishment invariably
accompanies the other。 But I must tell you of Miss B。 She has
abundance of soul； which flashes from her deep blue eyes。 Her
rank is a torment to her； and satisfies no one desire of her heart。
She would gladly retire from this whirl of fashion； and we often
picture to ourselves a life of undisturbed happiness in distant
scenes of rural retirement： and then we speak of you； my dear
Charlotte； for she knows you； and renders homage to your merits；
but her homage is not exacted； but voluntary； she loves you； and
delights to hear you made the subject of conversation。
Oh； that I were sitting at your feet in your favourite little room；
with the dear children playing around us！ If they became troublesome
to you； I would tell them some appalling goblin story； and they
would crowd round me with silent attention。 The sun is setting
in glory； his last rays are shining on the snow； which covers the
face of the country： the storm is over； and I must return to my
dungeon。 Adieu！ Is Albert with you？ and what is he to you？ God
forgive the question。
FEBRUARY 8。
For a week past we have had the most wretched weather： but this
to me is a blessing； for； during my residence here； not a single
fine day has beamed from the heavens； but has been lost to me by
the intrusion of somebody。 During the severity of rain； sleet；
frost； and storm； I congratulate myself that it cannot be worse
indoors than abroad； nor worse abroad than it is within doors； and
so I become reconciled。 When the sun rises bright in the morning；
and promises a glorious day； I never omit to exclaim； 〃There； now；
they have another blessing from Heaven； which they will be sure
to destroy： they spoil everything； health； fame； happiness；
amusement； and they do this generally through folly； ignorance；
or imbecility； and always； according to their own account； with
the best intentions！〃 I could often beseech them； on my bended
knees； to be less resolved upon their own destruction。
FEBRUARY 17。
I fear that my ambassador and I shall not continue much longer
together。 He is really growing past endurance。 He transacts
his business in so ridiculous a manner； that I am often compelled
to contradict him； and do things my own way； and then； of course；
he thinks them very ill done。 He complained of me lately on this
account at court； and the minister gave me a reprimand； a
gentle one it is true； but still a reprimand。 In consequence of
this； I was about to tender my resignation； when I received a
letter； to which I submitted with great respect； on account of the
high； noble； and generous spirit which dictated it。 He endeavoured
to soothe my excessive sensibility； paid a tribute to my extreme
ideas of duty； of good example； and of perseverance in business；
as the fruit of my youthful ardour； an impulse which he did not
seek to destroy； but only to moderate； that it might have proper
play and be productive of good。 So now I am at rest for another
week； and no longer at variance with myself。 Content and peace
of mind are valuable things： I could wish； my dear friend； that
these precious jewels were less transitory。
FERRUARY 20。
God bless you； my dear friends； and may he grant you that happiness
which he denies to me！
I thank you； Albert； for having deceived me。 I waited for the
news that your wedding…day was fixed； and I intended on that day；
with solemnity； to take down Charlotte's profile from the wall；
and to bury it with some other papers I possess。 You are now
united； and her picture still remains here。 Well； let it remain！
Why should it not？ I know that I am still one of your society；
that I still occupy a place uninjured in Charlotte's heart； that
I hold the second place therein； and I intend to keep it。 Oh； I
should become mad if she could forget！ Albert； that thought is
hell！ Farewell； Albert farewell； angel of heaven farewell； Charlotte！
MARCH 15。
I have just had a sad adventure； which will drive me away from
here。 I lose all patience！ Death！ It is not to be remedied；
and you alone are to blame； for you urged and impelled me to fill
a post for which I was by no means suited。 I have now reason to
be satisfied； and so have you！ But； that you may not again attribute
this fatality to my impetuous temper； I send you； my dear sir； a
plain and simple narration of the affair； as a mere chronicler of
facts would describe it。
The Count of O likes and distinguishes me。 It is well known；
and I have mentioned this to you a hundred times。 Yesterday I
dined with him。 It is the day on which the nobility are accustomed
to assemble at his house in the evening。 I never once thought of
the assembly； nor that we subalterns did not belong to such society。
Well； I dined with the count； and； after dinner； we adjourned to
the large hall。 We walked up and down together： and I conversed
with him； and with Colonel B； who joined us； and in this manner
the hour for the assembly approached。 God knows； I was thinking
of nothing； when who should enter but the honourable Lady accompanied
by her noble husband and their silly； scheming daughter； with her
small waist and flat neck； and； with disdainful looks and a haughty
air they passed me by。 As I heartily detest the whole race； I
determined upon going away； and only waited till the count had
disengaged himself from their impertinent prattle； to take leave；
when the agreeable Miss B came in。 As I never meet her without
experiencing a heartfelt pleasure； I stayed and talked to her；
leaning over the back of her chair； and did not perceive； till
after some time； that she seemed a little confused； and ceased to
answer me with her usual ease of manner。 I was struck with it。
〃Heavens！〃 I said to myself； 〃can she； too； be like the rest？〃 I
felt annoyed； and was about to withdraw； but I remained；
notwithstanding； forming excuses for her conduct； fancying she did
not mean it； and still hoping to receive some friendly recognition。
The rest of the company now arrived。 There was the Baron F ； in
an entire suit that dated from the coronation of Francis I。； the
Chancellor N； with his deaf wife； the shabbily…dressed I； whose
old…fashioned coat bore evidence of modern repairs： this crowned
the whole。 I conversed with some of my acquaintances； but they
answered me laconically。 I was engaged in observing Miss B； and
did not notice that the women were whispering at the end of the
room； that the murmur extended by degrees to the men； that Madame
S addressed the count with much warmth （this was all related to
me subsequently by Miss B）； till at length the count came up to
me； and took me to the window。 〃You know our ridiculous customs；〃
he said。 〃I perceive the company is rather displeased at your
being here。 I would not on any account〃 〃I beg your excellency's
pardon！〃 I exclaimed。 〃I ought to have thought of this before；
but I know you will forgive this little inattention。 I was going；〃
I added； 〃some time ago； but my evil genius detained me。〃 And I
smiled and bowed； to take my leave。 He shook me by the hand； in
a manner which expressed everything。 I hastened at once from the
illustrious assembly； sprang into a carriage； and drove to M。
I contemplated the setting sun from the top of the hill； and read
that beautiful passage in Homer； where Ulysses is entertained by
the hospitable herdsmen。 This was indeed delightful。
I returned home to supper in the evening。 But few persons were
assembled in the room。 They had turned up a corner of the table…cloth；
and were playing at dice。 The good…natured A came in。 He laid
down his hat when he saw me； approached me； and said in a low tone；
〃You have met with a disagreeable adventure。〃 〃I！〃 I exclaimed。
〃The count obliged you to withdraw from the assembly！〃 〃Deuce
take the assembly！〃 said I。 〃I was very glad to be gone。〃 〃I am
delighted；〃 he added； 〃that you take it so lightly。 I am only
sorry that it is already so much spo