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money from you without an observation； but made up the weekly
deficiency from the money…chest； as nobody would suspect your wife
of robbing the household bank。 But I have wasted nothing； and
should have been content to meet my eternal Judge without this
confession； if she； upon whom the management of your establishment
will devolve after my decease； would be free from embarrassment
upon your insisting that the allowance made to me； your former
wife； was sufficient。〃
I talked with Charlotte of the inconceivable manner in which men
allow themselves to be blinded； how any one could avoid suspecting
some deception； when seven florins only were allowed to defray
expenses twice as great。 But I have myself known people who
believed； without any visible astonishment； that their house
possessed the prophet's never…failing cruse of oil。
JULY 13。
No； I am not deceived。 In her dark eyes I read a genuine interest
in me and in my fortunes。 Yes； I feel it； and I may believe my
own heart which tells me dare I say it？ dare I pronounce
the divine words？ that she loves me！
That she loves me！ How the idea exalts me in my own eyes！ And；
as you can understand my feelings； I may say to you； how I honour
myself since she loves me！
Is this presumption； or is it a consciousness of the truth？ I do
not know a man able to supplant me in the heart of Charlotte； and
yet when she speaks of her betrothed with so much warmth and
affection； I feel like the soldier who has been stripped of his
honours and titles； and deprived of his sword。
JULY 16。
How my heart beats when by accident I touch her finger； or my feet
meet hers under the table！ I draw back as if from a furnace； but
a secret force impels me forward again； and my senses become
disordered。 Her innocent； unconscious heart never knows what agony
these little familiarities inflict upon me。 Sometimes when we
are talking she Iays her hand upon mine； and in the eagerness of
conversation comes closer to me； and her balmy breath reaches my
lips； when I feel as if lightning had struck me； and that I
could sink into the earth。 And yet； Wilhelm； with all this heavenly
confidence； if I know myself； and should ever dare you
understand me。 No； no！ my heart is not so corrupt； it is weak；
weak enough but is not that a degree of corruption？
She is to me a sacred being。 All passion is still in her presence：
I cannot express my sensations when I am near her。 I feel as if
my soul beat in every nerve of my body。 There is a melody which
she plays on the piano with angelic skill； so simple is it；
and yet so spiritual！ It is her favourite air； and； when she
plays the first note； all pain； care； and sorrow disappear from
me in a moment。
I believe every word that is said of the magic of ancient music。
How her simple song enchants me！ Sometimes； when I am ready to
commit suicide； she sings that air； and instantly the gloom and
madness which hung over me are dispersed； and I breathe freely
again。
JULY 18。
Wilhelm； what is the world to our hearts without love？ What is
a magic…lantern without light？ You have but to kindle the flame
within； and the brightest figures shine on the white wall； and；
if love only show us fleeting shadows； we are yet happy； when；
like mere children； we behold them； and are transported with the
splendid phantoms。 I have not been able to see Charlotte to…day。
I was prevented by company from which I could not disengage myself。
What was to be done？ I sent my servant to her house； that I might
at least see somebody to…day who had been near her。 Oh； the
impatience with which I waited for his return！ the joy with which
I welcomed him！ I should certainly have caught him in my arms；
and kissed him； if I had not been ashamed。
It is said that the Bonona stone； when placed in the sun； attracts
the rays； and for a time appears luminous in the dark。 So was it
with me and this servant。 The idea that Charlotte's eyes had dwelt
on his countenance； his cheek； his very apparel； endeared them all
inestimably to me； so that at the moment I would not have parted
from him for a thousand crowns。 His presence made me so happy！
Beware of laughing at me； Wilhelm。 Can that be a delusion which
makes us happy？
JULY 19。
〃I shall see her today！〃 I exclaim with delight； when I rise in
the morning； and look out with gladness of heart at the bright；
beautiful sun。 〃I shall see her today！〃 And then I have no
further wish to form： all； all is included in that one thought。
JULY 2O。
I cannot assent to your proposal that I should accompany the
ambassador to _______。 I do not love subordination； and we all
know that he is a rough； disagreeable person to be connected with。
You say my mother wishes me to be employed。 I could not help
laughing at that。 Am I not sufficiently employed？ And is it not
in reality the same； whether I shell peas or count lentils？ The
world runs on from one folly to another； and the man who； solely
from regard to the opinion of others； and without any wish or
necessity of his own； toils after gold； honour； or any other
phantom； is no better than a fool。
JULY 24。
You insist so much on my not neglecting my drawing； that it would
be as well for me to say nothing as to confess how little I have
lately done。
I never felt happier； I never understood nature better； even down
to the veriest stem or smallest blade of grass ； and yet I am
unable to express myself： my powers of execution are so weak；
everything seems to swim and float before me； so that I cannot
make a clear； bold outline。 But I fancy I should succeed better
if I had some clay or wax to model。 I shall try； if this state
of mind continues much longer； and will take to modelling； if I
only knead dough。
I have commenced Charlotte's portrait three times； and have as
often disgraced myself。 This is the more annoying； as I was
formerly very happy in taking likenesses。 I have since sketched
her profile； and must content myself with that。
JULY 25。
Yes； dear Charlotte！ I will order and arrange everything。 Only
give me more commissions； the more the better。 One thing； however；
I must request： use no more writing…sand with the dear notes you
send me。 Today I raised your letter hastily to my lips； and it
set my teeth on edge。
JULY 26。
I have often determined not to see her so frequently。 But who
could keep such a resolution？ Every day I am exposed to the
temptation； and promise faithfully that to…morrow I will really
stay away： but； when tomorrow comes； I find some irresistible
reason for seeing her； and； before I can account for it； I am with
her again。 Either she has said on the previous evening 〃You will
be sure to call to…morrow；〃 and who could stay away then？ or
she gives me some commission； and I find it essential to take
her the answer in person； or the day is fine； and I walk to Walheim；
and； when I am there； it is only half a league farther to her。 I
am within the charmed atmosphere； and soon find myself at her side。
My grandmother used to tell us a story of a mountain of loadstone。
When any vessels came near it； they were instantly deprived of
their ironwork： the nails flew to the mountain； and the unhappy
crew perished amidst the disjointed planks。
JULY 30。
Albert is arrived； and I must take my departure。 Were he the best
and noblest of men； and I in every respect his inferior； I could
not endure to see him in possession of such a perfect being。
Possession！ enough； Wilhelm： her betrothed is here； a fine；
worthy fellow； whom one cannot help liking。 Fortunately I was not
present at their meeting。 It would have broken my heart！ And he
is so considerate： he has not given Charlotte one kiss in my
presence。 Heaven reward him for it！ I must love him for the
respect with which he treats her。 He shows a regard for me； but
for this I suspect I am more indebted to Charlotte than to his own
fancy for me。 Women have a delicate tact in such matters； and it
should be so。 They cannot always succeed in keeping two rivals
on terms with each other； but； when they do； they are the only
gainers。
I cannot help esteeming Albert。 The coolness of his temper contrasts
strongly with the impetuosity of mine； which I cannot conceal。
He has a great deal of feeling； and is fully sensible of the
treasure he possesses in Charlotte。 He is free from ill…humour；
which you know is the fault I detest most。
He regards me as a man of sense； and my attachment to Charlotte；
and the interest I take in all that concerns her； augment his
triumph and his love。 I shall not inquire whether he may not at
times tease her with some little jealousies； as I know； that； were
I in his place； I should not be entirely free from such sensations。
But； be that as it may； my pleasure with Charlotte is over。 Call
it folly or infatuation； what signifies a name？ The thing speaks
for itself。 Before Albert came； I knew all that I know now。 I
knew I could make no pretensions to her； nor did I offer any； that
is； as far as it was possible； in the presence of so much loveliness；
not to pant for its enjoyment。 And now； behold me like a silly
fellow； staring with