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the sorrows of young werther(少年维特的烦恼)-第8章

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money from you without an observation; but made up the weekly
deficiency from the money…chest; as nobody would suspect your wife
of robbing the household bank。  But I have wasted nothing; and
should have been content to meet my eternal Judge without this
confession; if she; upon whom the management of your establishment
will devolve after my decease; would be free from embarrassment
upon your insisting that the allowance made to me; your former
wife; was sufficient。〃

I talked with Charlotte of the inconceivable manner in which men
allow themselves to be blinded; how any one could avoid suspecting
some deception; when seven florins only were allowed to defray
expenses twice as great。  But I have myself known people who
believed; without any visible astonishment; that their house
possessed the prophet's never…failing cruse of oil。

JULY 13。

No; I am not deceived。  In her dark eyes I read a genuine interest
in me and in my fortunes。  Yes; I feel it; and I may believe my
own heart which tells me  dare I say it?  dare I pronounce
the divine words?  that she loves me!

That she loves me!  How the idea exalts me in my own eyes!  And;
as you can understand my feelings; I may say to you; how I honour
myself since she loves me!

Is this presumption; or is it a consciousness of the truth?  I do
not know a man able to supplant me in the heart of Charlotte; and
yet when she speaks of her betrothed with so much warmth and
affection; I feel like the soldier who has been stripped of his
honours and titles; and deprived of his sword。

JULY 16。

How my heart beats when by accident I touch her finger; or my feet
meet hers under the table!  I draw back as if from a furnace; but
a secret force impels me forward again; and my senses become
disordered。  Her innocent; unconscious heart never knows what agony
these little familiarities inflict upon me。  Sometimes when we
are talking she Iays her hand upon mine; and in the eagerness of
conversation comes closer to me; and her balmy breath reaches my
lips;  when I feel as if lightning had struck me; and that I
could sink into the earth。  And yet; Wilhelm; with all this heavenly
confidence;  if I know myself; and should ever dare  you
understand me。  No; no!  my heart is not so corrupt; it is weak;
weak enough but is not that a degree of corruption?

She is to me a sacred being。  All passion is still in her presence:
I cannot express my sensations when I am near her。  I feel as if
my soul beat in every nerve of my body。  There is a melody which
she plays on the piano with angelic skill;  so simple is it;
and yet so spiritual!  It is her favourite air; and; when she
plays the first note; all pain; care; and sorrow disappear from
me in a moment。

I believe every word that is said of the magic of ancient music。
How her simple song enchants me!  Sometimes; when I am ready to
commit suicide; she sings that air; and instantly the gloom and
madness which hung over me are dispersed; and I breathe freely
again。

JULY 18。

Wilhelm; what is the world to our hearts without love?  What is
a magic…lantern without light?  You have but to kindle the flame
within; and the brightest figures shine on the white wall; and;
if love only show us fleeting shadows; we are yet happy; when;
like mere children; we behold them; and are transported with the
splendid phantoms。  I have not been able to see Charlotte to…day。
I was prevented by company from which I could not disengage myself。
What was to be done?  I sent my servant to her house; that I might
at least see somebody to…day who had been near her。  Oh; the
impatience with which I waited for his return!  the joy with which
I welcomed him!  I should certainly have caught him in my arms;
and kissed him; if I had not been ashamed。

It is said that the Bonona stone; when placed in the sun; attracts
the rays; and for a time appears luminous in the dark。  So was it
with me and this servant。  The idea that Charlotte's eyes had dwelt
on his countenance; his cheek; his very apparel; endeared them all
inestimably to me; so that at the moment I would not have parted
from him for a thousand crowns。  His presence made me so happy!
Beware of laughing at me; Wilhelm。  Can that be a delusion which
makes us happy?

JULY 19。

〃I shall see her today!〃 I exclaim with delight; when I rise in
the morning; and look out with gladness of heart at the bright;
beautiful sun。  〃I shall see her today!〃  And then I have no
further wish to form: all; all is included in that one thought。

JULY 2O。

I cannot assent to your proposal that I should accompany the
ambassador to _______。  I do not love subordination; and we all
know that he is a rough; disagreeable person to be connected with。
You say my mother wishes me to be employed。  I could not help
laughing at that。  Am I not sufficiently employed?  And is it not
in reality the same; whether I shell peas or count lentils?  The
world runs on from one folly to another; and the man who; solely
from regard to the opinion of others; and without any wish or
necessity of his own; toils after gold; honour; or any other
phantom; is no better than a fool。

JULY 24。

You insist so much on my not neglecting my drawing; that it would
be as well for me to say nothing as to confess how little I have
lately done。

I never felt happier; I never understood nature better; even down
to the veriest stem or smallest blade of grass ; and yet I am
unable to express myself: my powers of execution are so weak;
everything seems to swim and float before me; so that I cannot
make a clear; bold outline。  But I fancy I should succeed better
if I had some clay or wax to model。  I shall try; if this state
of mind continues much longer; and will take to modelling; if I
only knead dough。

I have commenced Charlotte's portrait three times; and have as
often disgraced myself。  This is the more annoying; as I was
formerly very happy in taking likenesses。  I have since sketched
her profile; and must content myself with that。

JULY 25。

Yes; dear Charlotte!  I will order and arrange everything。  Only
give me more commissions; the more the better。  One thing; however;
I must request: use no more writing…sand with the dear notes you
send me。  Today I raised your letter hastily to my lips; and it
set my teeth on edge。

JULY 26。

I have often determined not to see her so frequently。  But who
could keep such a resolution?  Every day I am exposed to the
temptation; and promise faithfully that to…morrow I will really
stay away: but; when tomorrow comes; I find some irresistible
reason for seeing her; and; before I can account for it; I am with
her again。  Either she has said on the previous evening 〃You will
be sure to call to…morrow;〃  and who could stay away then? or
she gives me some commission; and I find it essential to take
her the answer in person; or the day is fine; and I walk to Walheim;
and; when I am there; it is only half a league farther to her。  I
am within the charmed atmosphere; and soon find myself at her side。
My grandmother used to tell us a story of a mountain of loadstone。
When any vessels came near it; they were instantly deprived of
their ironwork: the nails flew to the mountain; and the unhappy
crew perished amidst the disjointed planks。

JULY 30。

Albert is arrived; and I must take my departure。  Were he the best
and noblest of men; and I in every respect his inferior; I could
not endure to see him in possession of such a perfect being。
Possession!  enough; Wilhelm:  her betrothed is here;  a fine;
worthy fellow; whom one cannot help liking。  Fortunately I was not
present at their meeting。  It would have broken my heart!  And he
is so considerate: he has not given Charlotte one kiss in my
presence。  Heaven reward him for it!  I must love him for the
respect with which he treats her。  He shows a regard for me; but
for this I suspect I am more indebted to Charlotte than to his own
fancy for me。  Women have a delicate tact in such matters; and it
should be so。  They cannot always succeed in keeping two rivals
on terms with each other; but; when they do; they are the only
gainers。

I cannot help esteeming Albert。  The coolness of his temper contrasts
strongly with the impetuosity of mine; which I cannot conceal。
He has a great deal of feeling; and is fully sensible of the
treasure he possesses in Charlotte。  He is free from ill…humour;
which you know is the fault I detest most。

He regards me as a man of sense; and my attachment to Charlotte;
and the interest I take in all that concerns her; augment his
triumph and his love。  I shall not inquire whether he may not at
times tease her with some little jealousies; as I know; that; were
I in his place; I should not be entirely free from such sensations。

But; be that as it may; my pleasure with Charlotte is over。  Call
it folly or infatuation; what signifies a name?  The thing speaks
for itself。  Before Albert came; I knew all that I know now。  I
knew I could make no pretensions to her; nor did I offer any; that
is; as far as it was possible; in the presence of so much loveliness;
not to pant for its enjoyment。  And now; behold me like a silly
fellow; staring with
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