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had my old uncle alive； he would have had some of them up to the halberts。
He knew how to usa cat…o'…nine…tails。 If things go on in this way； a
gentleman will not be able to horsewhip an impudent farmer； or to say a
civil word to a milk… maid。〃
〃Indeed； it's very true； Sir；〃 said Mrs Kitty； 〃their insolence is
intolerable。 Look at me； for instance：a poor lone woman！ My dear
Peter dead！ I loved him：so I did； and； when he died； I was so hysterical
you cannot think。 And now I cannot lean on the arm of a decent footman；
or take a walk with a tall grenadier behind me； just to protect me from
audacious vagabonds； but they must have their nauseous suspicions；
odious creatures！〃
〃This must be stopped；〃 replied Lord Caesar。 〃We ought to
contribute to support my poor brother…in…law against these rascals。 I will
write to Squire Guelf on this subject by this night's post。 His name is
always at the head of our county subscriptions。〃
If the people of St Dennis's had been angry before； they were well…
nigh mad when they heard of this conversation。 The whole parish ran to
the manor…house。 Sir Lewis's Swiss porter shut the door against them；
but they broke in and knocked him on the head for his impudence。 They
then seized the Squire； hooted at him； pelted him； ducked him； and carried
him to the watch…house。 They turned the rector into the street； burnt his
wig and band； and sold the church…plate by auction。 They put up a
painted Jezebel in the pulpit to preach。 They scratched out the texts
which were written round the church； and scribbled profane scraps of
songs and plays in their place。 They set the organ playing to pot… house
tunes。 Instead of being decently asked in church； they were married over
a broomstick。 But； of all their whims； the use of the new patent steel…
traps was the most remarkable。
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This trap was constructed on a completely new principle。 It consisted
of a cleaver hung in a frame like a window； when any poor wretch got in；
down it came with a tremendous din； and took off his head in a twinkling。
They got the squire into one of these machines。 In order to prevent any
of his partisans from getting footing in the parish； they placed traps at
every corner。 It was impossible to walk through the highway at broad noon
without tumbling into one or other of them。 No man could go about his
business in security。 Yet so great was the hatred which the inhabitants
entertained for the old family； that a few decent； honest people； who
begged them to take down the steel… traps； and to put up humane man…
traps in their room； were very roughly handled for their good nature。
In the meantime the neighbouring gentry undertook a suit against the
parish on the behalf of Sir Lewis's heir； and applied to Squire Guelf for his
assistance。
Everybody knows that Squire Guelf is more closely tied up than any
gentleman in the shire。 He could； therefore； lend them no help； but he
referred them to the Vestry of the Parish of St George in the Water。 These
good people had long borne a grudge against their neighbours on the other
side of the stream； and some mutual trespasses had lately occurred which
increased their hostility。
There was an honest Irishman； a great favourite among them； who
used to entertain them with raree…shows； and to exhibit a magic lantern to
the children on winter evenings。 He had gone quite mad upon this
subject。 Sometimes he would call out in the middle of the street〃Take
care of that corner； neighbours； for the love of Heaven； keep clear of that
post； there is a patent steel… trap concealed thereabouts。〃 Sometimes he
would be disturbed by frightful dreams； then he would get up at dead of
night； open his window and cry 〃fire；〃 till the parish was roused； and the
engines sent for。 The pulpit of the Parish of St George seemed likely to
fall； I believe that the only reason was that the parson had grown too fat
and heavy； but nothing would persuade this honest man but that it was a
scheme of the people at St Dennis's； and that they had sawed through the
pillars in order to break the rector's neck。 Once he went about with a
knife in his pocket； and told all the persons whom he met that it had been
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sharpened by the knife…grinder of the next parish to cut their throats。
These extravagancies had a great effect on the people； and the more so
because they were espoused by Squire Guelf's steward； who was the most
influential person in the parish。 He was a very fair…spoken man； very
attentive to the main chance； and the idol of the old women； because he
never played at skittles or danced with the girls； and； indeed； never took
any recreation but that of drinking on Saturday nights with his friend
Harry； the Scotch pedlar。 His supporters called him Sweet William； his
enemies the Bottomless Pit。
The people of St Dennis's； however； had their advocates。 There was
Frank； the richest farmer in the parish； whose great grandfather had been
knocked on the head many years before； in a squabble between the parish
and a former landlord。 There was Dick； the merry…andrew； rather light…
fingered and riotous； but a clever droll fellow。 Above all； there was
Charley； the publican； a jolly； fat； honest lad； a great favourite with the
women； who； if he had not been rather too fond of ale and chuck…farthing；
would have been the best fellow in the neighbourhood。
〃My boys；〃 said Charley； 〃this is exceedingly well for Madam North；
not that I would speak uncivilly of her； she put up my picture in her best
room； bless her for it！ But； I say； this is very well for her； and for Lord
Caesar； and Squire Don； and Colonel Von；but what affair is it of yours or
mine？ It is not to be wondered at； that gentlemen should wish to keep
poor people out of their own。 But it is strange indeed that they should
expect the poor themselves to combine against their own interests。 If the
folks at St Dennis's should attack us we have the law and our cudgels to
protect us。 But why； in the name of wonder； are we to attack them？
When old Sir Charles； who was Lord of the Manor formerly； and the
parson； who was presented by him to the living； tried to bully the vestry；
did not we knock their heads together； and go to meeting to hear Jeremiah
Ringletub preach？ And did the Squire Don； or the great Sir Lewis； that
lived at that time； or the Germains； say a word against us for it？ Mind
your own business； my lads： law is not to be had for nothing； and we；
you may be sure； shall have to pay the whole bill。〃
Nevertheless the people of St George's were resolved on law。 They
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cried out most lustily； 〃Squire Guelf for ever！ Sweet William for ever！
No steel traps！〃 Squire Guelf took all the rascally footmen who had
worn old Sir Lewis's livery into his service。 They were fed in the kitchen
on the very best of everything； though they had no settlement。 Many
people； and the paupers in particular； grumbled at these proceedings。 The
steward； however； devised a way to keep them quiet。
There had lived in this parish for many years an old gentleman； named
Sir Habeas Corpus。 He was said by some to be of Saxon； by some of
Norman； extraction。 Some maintain that he was not born till after the
time of Sir Charles； to whom we have before alluded。