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position？ Upon one thing he was determined： whatever happened； he
would not play the part of 'the rescued lamb'。 He vehemently
asserted that the purpose of the expedition could only be the
relief of the Sudan garrisons； it was monstrous to imagine that
it had been undertaken merely to ensure his personal safety。 He
refused to believe it。 In any case； 'I declare POSITIVELY；' he
wrote； with passionate underlinings。 'AND ONCE FOR ALL； THAT I
WILL NOT LEAVE THE SUDAN UNTIL EVERY ONE WHO WANTS TO GO DOWN IS
GIVEN THE CHANCE TO DO SO； UNLESS a government is established
which relieves me of the charge； therefore； if any emissary or
letter comes up here ordering me to comedown； I WILL NOT OBEY IT；
BUT WILL STAY HERE AND FALL WITH THE TOWN； AND RUN ALL RISKS'。
This was sheer insubordination； no doubt； but he could not help
that； it was not in his nature to be obedient。 'I know if I was
chief； I would never employ myself； for I am incorrigible。'
Decidedly； he was not afraid to be 'what club men call
insubordinate； though； of all insubordinates； the club men are
the worst'。
As for the government which was to replace him； there were
several alternatives： an Egyptian Pasha might succeed him as
Governor…General； or Zobeir might be appointed after all； or the
whole country might be handed over to the Sultan。 His fertile
imagination evolved scheme after scheme； and his visions of his
own future were equally various。 He would withdraw to the
Equator； he would be delighted to spend Christmas in Brussels； he
would 。。。 at any rate he would never go back to England。 That was
certain。 'I dwell on the joy of never seeing Great Britain again；
with its horrid； wearisome dinner…parties and miseries。 How we
can put up with those things； passes my imagination！ It is a
perfect bondage。。。 I would sooner live 'like a Dervish with the
Mahdi； than go out to dinner every night in London。 I hope； if
any English general comes to Khartoum； he will not ask me to
dinner。 Why men cannot be friends without bringing the wretched
stomachs in； is astounding。'
But would an English general ever have the opportunity of asking
him to dinner in Khartoum？ There were moments when terrible
misgivings assailed him。 He pieced together his scraps of
intelligence with feverish exactitude； he calculated times；
distances； marches。 'If；' he wrote on October 24th； they do not
come before 30th November； the game is up； and Rule Britannia。'
Curious premonitions came into his mind。 When he heard that the
Mahdi was approaching in person； it seemed to be the fulfilment
of a destiny； for he had 'always felt we were doomed to come face
to face'。 What would be the end of it all？ 'It is； of course； on
the cards；' he noted； 'that Khartoum is taken under the nose of
the Expeditionary Force； which will be JUST TOO LATE。' The
splendid hawks that swooped about the palace reminded him of a
text in the Bible： 'The eye that mocketh at his father and
despiseth to obey his mother； the ravens of the valley shall pick
it out； and the young eagles shall eat it。' 'I often wonder；' he
wrote； 'whether they are destined to pick my eyes； for I fear I
was not the best of sons。'
So； sitting late into the night； he filled the empty telegraph
forms with the agitations of his spirit； overflowing ever more
hurriedly； more furiously； with lines of emphasis； and capitals；
and exclamation…marks more and more thickly interspersed； so that
the signs of his living passion are still visible to the inquirer
of today on those thin sheets of mediocre paper and in the
torrent of the ink。 But he was a man of elastic temperament； he
could not remain forever upon the stretch； he sought； and he
found； relaxation in extraneous mattersin metaphysical
digressions； or in satirical outbursts； or in the small details
of his daily life。 It amused him to have the Sudanese soldiers
brought in and shown their 'black pug faces' in the palace
looking…glasses。 He watched with a cynical sympathy the
impertinence of a turkey…cock that walked in his courtyard。 He
made friends with a mouse who； 'judging from her swelled…out
appearance'； was a lady； and came and ate out of his plate。 The
cranes that flew over Khartoum in their thousands； and with their
curious cry； put him in mind of the poems of Schiller； which few
ever read； but which he admired highly； though he only knew them
in Bulwer's translation。 He wrote little disquisitions on
Plutarch and purgatory； on the fear of death and on the sixteenth
chapter of the Koran。 Then the turkey…cock； strutting with 'every
feather on end； and all the colours of the rainbow on his neck'；
attracted him once more； and he filled several pages with his
opinions upon the immortality of animals； drifting on to a
discussion of man's position in the universe； and the infinite
knowledge of God。 It was all clear to him。 And yet'what a
contradiction； is life！ I hate Her Majesty's Government for their
leaving the Sudan after having caused all its troubles； yet I
believe our Lord rules heaven and earth； so I ought to hate Him；
which I （sincerely） do not。'
One painful thought obsessed him。 He believed that the two
Egyptian officers； who had been put to death after the defeat in
March； had been unjustly executed。 He had given way to 'outside
influences'； the two Pashas had been 'judicially murdered'。 Again
and again he referred to the incident with a haunting remorse。
〃The Times〃； perhaps； would consider that he had been justified；
but what did that matter？ 'If The Times saw this in print； it
would say； 〃Why； then； did you act as you did？〃 to which I fear I
have no answer。' He determined to make what reparation he could；
and to send the families of the unfortunate Pashas ￡1；000 each。
On a similar； but a less serious； occasion； he put the same
principle into action。 He boxed the ears of a careless telegraph
clerk'and then； as my conscience pricked me； I gave him 5。 He
said he did not mind if I killed him I was his father （a
chocolate…coloured youth of twenty）。' His temper； indeed； was
growing more and more uncertain； as he himself was well aware。 He
observed with horror that men trembled when they came into his
presencethat their hands shook so that they could not hold a
match to a cigarette。
He trusted no one。 Looking into the faces of those who surrounded
him； he saw only the ill…dissimulated signs of treachery and
dislike。 Of the 40；000 inhabitants of Khartoum he calculated that
two…thirds were willingwere perhaps anxiousto become the
subjects of the Mahdi。 'These people are not worth any great
sacrifice；' he bitterly observed。 The Egyptian officials were
utterly incompetent； the soldiers were cowards。 All his
admiration was reserved for his enemies。 The meanest of the
Mahdi's followers was； he realised； 'a determined warrior； who
could undergo thirst and privation； who no more cared for pain or
death than if he were stone'。 Those were the men whom； if the
choice had lain with him； he would have wished to command。 And
yet； strangely enough； he persistently underrated the strength of
the forces against him。 A handful of Englishmen a handful of
Turks would； he believed； be enough to defeat the Mahdi's hosts
and destroy his dominion。 He knew very little Arabic； and he
depended for his information upon a few ignorant English…speaking
subordinates。 The Mahdi himself he viewed with ambiguous
feelings。 He jibed at him as a vulgar impostor； but it is easy to
perceive； under his scornful jocularities； the traces of an
uneasy respect。
He spent long hours upon the palace roof； gazing northwards； but
the veil of mystery and silence was unbroken。 In spite of the
efforts of Major Kitchener； the officer in command of the
Egyptian Intelligence Service； hardly any messengers ever reached
Khartoum； and when they did； the information they brought was
tormentingly scanty。 Major Kitchener did not escape the
attentions of Gordon's pen。 When news came at last； it was
terrible： Colonel Stewart and his companions had been killed。 The
Abbas； after having passed uninjured through the part of the
river commanded by the Mahdi's troops； had struck upon a rock；
Colonel Stewart had disembarked in safety； and； while he was
waiting for camels to convey the detachment across the desert
into Egypt； had accepted the hospitality of a local Sheikh。
Hardly had the Europeans entered the Sheikh's hut when they were
set upon and murdered； their native followers shared their fate。
The treacherous Sheikh was an adherent of the Mahdi； and to the
Mahdi all Colonel Stewart's papers； filled with information as to
the condition of Khartoum； were immediately sent。 When the first
rumours of the disaster reached Gordon； he pictured； in a flash
of intuition； the actual details of the catastrophe。 'I feel
somehow convinced；' he wrote； they were captured by treachery。。。
Stewart was not a bit suspicious （I am made up of it）。 I