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condemned me； after having taken a large dose of avarice； to
wander three years on the banks of Cocytus； with the knowledge of
having spent the fortune in the person of the grandson which I
had raised in that of the grandfather。
〃The place of my birth； on my return to the world； was
Constantinople； where my father was a carpenter。 The first thing
I remember was； the triumph of Belisarius； which was； indeed；
most noble show； but nothing pleased me so much as the figure of
Gelimer； king of the African Vandals； who； being led captive on
this occasion； reflecting with disdain on the mutation of his own
fortune； and on the ridiculous empty pomp of the conqueror； cried
out； VANITY； VANITY； ALL IS MERE VANITY。'
〃I was bred up to my father's trade； and you may easily believe
so low a sphere could produce no adventures worth your notice。
However； I married a woman I liked； and who proved a very
tolerable wife。 My days were passed in hard labor； but this
procured me health； and I enjoyed a homely supper at night with
my wife with more pleasure than I apprehend greater persons find
at their luxurious meals。 My life had scarce any variety in it；
and at my death I advanced to Minos with great confidence of
entering the gate： but I was unhappily obliged to discover some
frauds I had been guilty of in the measure of my work when I
worked by the foot； as well as my laziness when I was employed by
the day。 On which account； when I attempted to pass； the angry
judge laid hold on me by the shoulders； and turned me back so
violently； that； had I had a neck of flesh and bone； I believe he
would have broke it。〃
CHAPTER XIII
Julian passes into a fop。
〃My scene of action was Rome。 I was born into a noble family；
and heir to a considerable fortune。 On which my parents；
thinking I should not want any talents； resolved very kindly and
wisely to throw none away upon me。 The only instructors of my
youth were therefore one Saltator； who taught me several motions
for my legs； and one Ficus； whose business was to show me the
cleanest way （as he called it） of cutting off a man's head。 When
I was well accomplished in these sciences； I thought nothing more
wanting； but what was to be furnished by the several mechanics in
Rome； who dealt in dressing and adorning the pope。 Being
therefore well equipped with all which their art could produce； I
became at the age of twenty a complete finished beau。 And now
during forty…five years I dressed； I sang and danced； and danced
and sang； I bowed and ogled； and ogled and bowed； till； in the
sixty…sixth year of my age； I got cold by overheating myself with
dancing； and died。
〃Minos told me； as I was unworthy of Elysium； so I was too
insignificant to be damned； and therefore bade me walk back
again。〃
CHAPTER XIV
Adventures in the person of a monk。
〃Fortune now placed me in the character of a younger brother of a
good house； and I was in my youth sent to school； but learning
was now at so low an ebb； that my master himself could hardly
construe a sentence of Latin； and as for Greek； he could not read
it。 With very little knowledge therefore； and with altogether as
little virtue； I was set apart for the church； and at the proper
age commenced monk。 I lived many years retired in a cell； a life
very agreeable to the gloominess of my temper； which was much
inclined to despise the world； that is； in other words； to envy
all men of superior fortune and qualifications； and in general to
hate and detest the human species。 Notwithstanding which； I
could； on proper occasions； submit to flatter the vilest fellow
in nature； which I did one Stephen； an eunuch； a favorite of the
emperor Justinian II； one of the wickedest wretches whom perhaps
the world ever saw。 I not only wrote a panegyric on this man；
but I commended him as a pattern to all others in my sermons； by
which means I so greatly ingratiated myself with him； that he
introduced me to the emperor's presence； where I prevailed so far
by the same methods； that I was shortly taken from my cell； and
preferred to a place at court。 I was no sooner established in
the favor of Justinian than I prompted him to all kind of
cruelty。 As I was of a sour morose temper； and hated nothing
more than the symptoms of happiness appearing in any countenance；
I represented all kind of diversion and amusement as the most
horrid sins。 I inveighed against cheerfulness as levity； and
encouraged nothing but gravity； or； to confess the truth to you；
hypocrisy。 The unhappy emperor followed my advice； and incensed
the people by such repeated barbarities； that he was at last
deposed by them and banished。
〃I now retired again to my cell （for historians mistake in saying
I was put to death）； where I remained safe from the danger of the
irritated mob； whom I cursed in my own heart as much as they
could curse me。
〃Justinian； after three years of his banishment； returned to
Constantinople in disguise； and paid me a visit。 I at first
affected not to know him； and without the least compunction of
gratitude for his former favors； intended not to receive him；
till a thought immediately suggested itself to me how I might
convert him to my advantage； I pretended to recollect him； and；
blaming the shortness of my memory and badness of my eyes； I
sprung forward and embraced him with great affection。
〃My design was to betray him to Apsimar； who； I doubted not；
would generously reward such a service。 I therefore very
earnestly requested him to spend the whole evening with me； to
which he consented。 I formed an excuse for leaving him a few
minutes； and ran away to the palace to acquaint Apsimar with the
guest whom I had then in my cell。 He presently ordered a guard
to go with me and seize him； but； whether the length of my stay
gave him any suspicion； or whether he changed his purpose after
my departure； I know not； for at my return we found he had given
us the slip； nor could we with the most diligent search discover
him。
〃Apsimar； being disappointed of his prey； now raged at me； at
first denouncing the most dreadful vengeance if I did not produce
the deposed monarch。 However； by soothing his passion when at
the highest； and afterwards by canting and flattery； I made a
shift to escape his fury。
〃When Justinian was restored I very confidently went to wish him
joy of his restoration： but it seems he had unfortunately heard
of my treachery； so that he at first received me coldly； and
afterwards upbraided me openly with what I had done。 I
persevered stoutly in denying it； as I knew no evidence could be
produced against me； till； finding him irreconcilable； I betook
myself to reviling him in my sermons； and on every other
occasion； as an enemy to the church and good men； and as an
infidel； a heretic； an atheist； a heathen； and an Arian。 This I
did immediately on his return； and before he gave those flagrant
proofs of his inhumanity which afterwards sufficiently verified
all I had said。
〃Luckily I died on the same day when a great number of those
forces which Justinian had sent against the Thracian Bosphorus；
and who had executed such unheard…of cruelties there； perished。
As every one of these was cast into the bottomless pit； Minos was
so tired with condemnation； that he proclaimed that all present
who had not been concerned in that bloody expedition might； if
they pleased； return to the other world。 I took him at his word；
and； presently turning about； began my journey。〃
CHAPTER XV
Julian passes into the character of a fiddler。
〃Rome was now the seat of my nativity。 My mother was an African；
a woman of no great beauty； but a favorite； I suppose from her
piety； of pope Gregory II。 Who was my father I know not； but I
believe no very considerable man； for after the death of that
pope； who was； out of his religion； a very good friend of my
mother； we fell into great distress； and were at length reduced
to walk the streets of Rome； nor had either of us any other
support but a fiddle； on which I played with pretty tolerable
skill； for； as my genius turned naturally to music； so I had been
in my youth very early instructed at the expense of the good
pope。 This afforded us but a very poor livelihood： for； though
I had often a numerous crowd of hearers； few ever thought
themselves obliged to contribute the smallest pittance to the
poor starving wretch who had given them pleasure。 Nay； some of
the graver sort； after an hour's attention to my music； have gone
away shaking their heads； and crying it was a shame such
vagabonds were suffered to stay in the city。
〃To say the truth； I am confident the fiddle would not have kept
us alive had we entirely depended on the generosity of my
hearers。 My mother therefore was forced to use her own industry；
and while I was soothing the ears of the