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parts； I passed in the whole court for a fool； this flattery was
a very sweet morsel to me。 I therefore got this fellow preferred
to a bishopric； but I lost my flatterer by it； for he never
afterwards said a civil thing to me。
〃I never balked my imagination for the grossness of the
reflection on the character of the greatest noblenay； even the
king himself； of which I will give you a very bold instance。 One
day his simple majesty told me he believed I had so much power
that his people looked on me as the king； and himself as my fool。
At this I pretended to be angry； as with an affront。 'Why； how
now？' says the king； 'are you ashamed of being a king？' 'No；
sir；' says I； 'but I am devilishly ashamed of my fool。'
〃Herbert； earl of Vermandois； had by my means been restored to
the favor of the Simple （for so I used always to call Charles）。
He afterwards prevailed with the king to take the city of Arras
from earl Baldwin； by which means； Herbert； in exchange for this
city； had Peronne restored to him by count Altmar。 Baldwin came
to court in order to procure the restoration of his city； but；
either through pride or ignorance； neglected to apply to me。 As
I met him at court during his solicitation； I told him he did not
apply the right way； he answered roughly he should not ask a
fool's advice。 I replied I did not wonder at his prejudice；
since he had miscarried already by following a fool's advice； but
I told him there were fools who had more interest than that he
had brought with him to court。 He answered me surlily he had no
fool with him； for that he traveled alone。 'Ay； my lord；' says
I； 'I often travel alone； and yet they will have it I always
carry a fool with me。' This raised a laugh among the
by…standers； on which he gave me a blow。 I immediately
complained of this usage to the Simple； who dismissed the earl
from court with very hard words； instead of granting him the
favor he solicited。
〃I give you these rather as a specimen of my interest and
impudence than of my witindeed； my jests were commonly more
admired than they ought to be； for perhaps I was not in reality
much more a wit than a fool。 But； with the latitude of unbounded
scurrility； it is easy enough to attain the character of wit；
especially in a court； where； as all persons hate and envy one
another heartily； and are at the same time obliged by the
constrained behavior of civility to profess the greatest liking；
so it is； and must be； wonderfully pleasant to them to see the
follies of their acquaintance exposed by a third person。
Besides； the opinion of the court is as uniform as the fashion；
and is always guided by the will of the prince or of the
favorite。 I doubt not that Caligula's horse was universally held
in his court to be a good and able consul。 In the same manner
was I universally acknowledged to be the wittiest fool in the
world。 Every word I said raised laughter； and was held to be a
jest； especially by the ladies； who sometimes laughed before I
had discovered my sentiment； and often repeated that as a jest
which I did not even intend as one。
〃I was as severe on the ladies as on the men； and with the same
impunity； but this at last cost me dear： for once having joked
on the beauty of a lady whose name was Adelaide； a favorite of
the Simple's； she pretended to smile and be pleased at my wit
with the rest of the company； but in reality she highly resented
it； and endeavored to undermine me with the king。 In which she
so greatly succeeded （for what cannot a favorite woman do with
one who deserves the surname of Simple？） that the king grew every
day more reserved to me； and when I attempted any freedom gave me
such marks of his displeasure； that the courtiers who have all
hawks' eyes at a slight from the sovereign； soon discerned it：
and indeed； had I been blind enough not to have discovered that I
had lost ground in the Simple's favor by his own change in his
carriage towards me； I must have found it； nay even felt it； in
the behavior of the courtiers： for； as my company was two days
before solicited with the utmost eagerness； it was now rejected
with as much scorn。 I was now the jest of the ushers and pages；
and an officer of the guards； on whom I was a little jocose； gave
me a box on the ear； bidding me make free with my equals。 This
very fellow had been my butt for many years； without daring to
lift his hand against me。
〃But though I visibly perceived the alteration in the Simple； I
was utterly unable to make any guess at the occasion。 I had not
the least suspicion of Adelaide； for； besides her being a very
good…humored woman； I had often made severe jests on her
reputation； which I had all the reason imaginable to believe had
given her no offense。 But I soon perceived that a woman will
bear the most bitter censures on her morals easier than the
smallest reflection on her beauty； for she now declared publicly；
that I ought to be dismissed from court； as the stupidest of
fools； and one in whom there was no diversion； and that she
wondered how any person could have so little taste as to imagine
I had any wit。 This speech was echoed through the drawing…room；
and agreed to by all present。 Every one now put on an unusual
gravity on their countenance whenever I spoke； and it was as much
out of my power to raise a laugh as formerly it had been for me
to open my mouth without one。
〃While my affairs were in this posture I went one day into the
circle without my fool's dress。 The Simple； who would still
speak to me； cried out； 'So； fool； what's the matter now？'
'Sir；' answered I； 'fools are like to be so common a commodity at
court； that I am weary of my coat。' 'How dost thou mean？'
answered the Simple； 'what can make them commoner now than
usual？''O； sir；' said I； 'there are ladies here make your
majesty a fool every day of their lives。' The Simple took no
notice of my jest； and several present said my bones ought to be
broke for my impudence； but it pleased the queen； who； knowing
Adelaide； whom she hated； to be the cause of my disgrace；
obtained me of the king； and took me into her service； so that I
was henceforth called the queen's fool； and in her court received
the same honor； and had as much wit； as I had formerly had in the
king's。 But as the queen had really no power unless over her own
domestics； I was not treated in general with that complacence；
nor did I receive those bribes and presents； which had once
fallen to my share。
〃Nor did this confined respect continue long： for the queen； who
had in fact no taste for humor； soon grew sick of my foolery；
and； forgetting the cause for which she had taken me； neglected
me so much； that her court grew intolerable to my temper； and I
broke my heart and died。
〃Minos laughed heartily at several things in my story； and
then； telling me no one played the fool in Elysium； bid me go
back again。〃
CHAPTER XIX
Julian appears in the character of a beggar。
〃I now returned to Rome； and was born into a very poor and
numerous family； which； to be honest with you； procured its
livelihood by begging。 This； if you was never yourself of the
calling； you do not know； I suppose； to be as regular a trade as
any other； to have its several rules and secrets； or mysteries；
which to learn require perhaps as tedious an apprenticeship as
those of any craft whatever。
〃The first thing we are taught is the countenance miserable。
This indeed nature makes much easier to some than others； but
there are none who cannot accomplish it； if they begin early
enough in youth； and before the muscles are grown too stubborn。
〃The second thing is the voice lamentable。 In this qualification
too； nature must have her share in producing the most consummate
excellence： however； art will here； as in every other instance；
go a great way with industry and application； even without the
assistance of genius； especially if the student begins young。
〃There are many other instructions； but these are the most
considerable。 The women are taught one practice more than the
men； for they are instructed in the art of crying； that is； to
have their tears ready on all occasions： but this is attained
very easily by most。 Some indeed arrive at the utmost perfection
in this art with incredible facility。
〃No profession requires a deeper insight into human nature than
the beggar's。 Their knowledge of the passions of men is so
extensive； that I have often thought it would be of no little
service to a politician to have his education among them。 Nay；
there is a much greater analogy between these two characters than
is imagined； for both concur in their first and grand principle；
it being equally their business to delude and impose on mankind。
It must be confessed that they differ widely in the degree of
advantage which they make by their deceit；