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find that my father treated my lord Percy with much more coldness
than usual； he too saw it； and we both wondered what could
possibly be the cause of all this。 But it was not long before
the mystery was all made clear by my father； who； sending for me
one day into his chamber； let me into a secret which was as
little wished for as expected。 He began with the surprising
effects of youth and beauty； and the madness of letting go those
advantages they might procure us till it was too late； when we
might wish in vain to bring them back again。 I stood amazed at
this beginning； he saw my confusion； and bid me sit down and
attend to what he was going to tell me； which was of the greatest
consequence； and he hoped I would be wise enough to take his
advice； and act as he should think best for my future welfare。
He then asked me if I should not be much pleased to be a queen？
I answered； with the greatest earnestness； that； so far from it；
I would not live in a court again to be the greatest queen in the
world； that I had a lover who was both desirous and able to raise
my station even beyond my wishes。 I found this discourse was
very displeasing； my father frowned； and called me a romantic
fool； and said if I would hearken to him he could make me a
queen； for the cardinal had told him that the king； from the time
he saw me at court the other night； liked me； and intended to get
a divorce from his wife； and to put me in her place； and ordered
him to find some method to make me a maid of honor to her present
majesty； that in the meantime he might have an opportunity of
seeing me。 It is impossible to express the astonishment these
words threw me into； and； notwithstanding that the moment before；
when it appeared at so great a distance； I was very sincere in my
declaration how much it was against my will to be raised so high；
yet now the prospect came nearer； I confess my heart fluttered；
and my eyes were dazzled with a view of being seated on a throne。
My imagination presented before me all the pomp； power and
greatness that attend a crown； and I was so perplexed I knew not
what to answer； but remained as silent as if I had lost the use
of my speech。 My father； who guessed what it was that made me in
this condition； proceeded to bring all the arguments he thought
most likely to bend me to his will； at last I recovered from this
dream of grandeur； and begged him； by all the most endearing
names I could think of； not to urge me dishonorably to forsake
the man who I was convinced would raise me to an empire if in his
power； and who had enough in his power to give me all I desired。
But he was deaf to all I could say； and insisted that by next
week I should prepare myself to go to court： he bid me consider
of it； and not prefer a ridiculous notion of honor to the real
interest of my whole family； but； above all things； not to
disclose what he had trusted me with。 On which he left me to my
own thoughts。 When I was alone I reflected how little real
tenderness this behavior showed to me； whose happiness he did not
at all consult； but only looked on me as a ladder； on which he
could climb to the height of his own ambitious desires： and when
I thought on his fondness for me in my infancy I could impute it
to nothing but either the liking me as a plaything or the
gratification of his vanity in my beauty。 But I was too much
divided between a crown and my engagement to lord Percy to spend
much time in thinking of anything else； and； although my father
had positively forbid me； yet； when he came next； I could not
help acquainting him with all that had passed； with the reserve
only of the struggle in my own mind on the first mention of being
a queen。 I expected he would have received the news with the
greatest agonies； but he showed no vast emotion： however； he
could not help turning pale； and； taking me by the hand； looked
at me with an air of tenderness； and said； 'If being a queen
would make you happy； and it is in your power to be so； I would
not for the world prevent it； let me suffer what I will。' This
amazing greatness of mind had on me quite the contrary effect
from what it ought to have had； for； instead of increasing my
love for him it almost put an end to it； and I began to think； if
he could part with me； the matter was not much。 And I am
convinced； when any man gives up the possession of a woman whose
consent he has once obtained； let his motive be ever so generous；
he will disoblige her。 I could not help showing my
dissatisfaction； and told him I was very glad this affair sat so
easily on him。 He had not power to answer； but was so suddenly
struck with this unexpected ill…natured turn I gave his behavior；
that he stood amazed for some time； and then bowed and left me。
Now I was again left to my own reflections； but to make anything
intelligible out of them is quite impossible： I wished to be a
queen； and wished I might not be one： I would have my lord Percy
happy without me； and yet I would not have the power of my charms
be so weak that he could bear the thought of life after being
disappointed in my love。 But the result of all these confused
thoughts was a resolution to obey my father。 I am afraid there
was not much duty in the case； though at that time I was glad to
take hold of that small shadow to save me from looking on my own
actions in the true light。 When my lover came again I looked on
him with that coldness that he could not bear； on purpose to rid
myself of all importunity： for since I had resolved to use him
ill I regarded him as the monument of my shame； and his every
look appeared to me to upbraid me。 My father soon carried me to
court； there I had no very hard part to act； for； with the
experience I had had of mankind； I could find no great difficulty
in managing a man who liked me； and for whom I not only did not
care but had an utter aversion to： but this aversion he believed
to be virtue； for how credulous is a man who has an inclination
to believe！ And I took care sometimes to drop words of cottages
and love； and how happy the woman was who fixed her affections on
a man in such a station of life that she might show her love
without being suspected of hypocrisy or mercenary views。 All
this was swallowed very easily by the amorous king； who pushed on
the divorce with the utmost impetuosity； although the affair
lasted a good while； and I remained most part of the time behind
the curtain。 Whenever the king mentioned it to me I used such
arguments against it as I thought the most likely to make him the
more eager for it； begging that； unless his conscience was really
touched； he would not on my account give any grief to his
virtuous queen； for in being her handmaid I thought myself highly
honored； and that I would not only forego a crown； but even give
up the pleasure of ever seeing him more； rather than wrong my
royal mistress。 This way of talking； joined to his eager desire
to possess my person； convinced the king so strongly of my
exalted merit； that he thought it a meritorious act to displace
the woman （whom he could not have so good an opinion of； because
he was tired of her）； and to put me in her place。 After about a
year's stay at court； as the king's love to me began to be talked
of； it was thought proper to remove me； that there might be no
umbrage given to the queen's party。 I was forced to comply with
this； though greatly against my will； for I was very jealous that
absence might change the king's mind。 I retired again with my
father to his country…seat； but it had no longer those charms for
me which I once enjoyed there； for my mind was now too much taken
up with ambition to make room for any other thoughts。 During my
stay here； my royal lover often sent gentlemen to me with
messages and letters； which I always answered in the manner I
thought would best bring about my designs； which were to come
back again to court。 In all the letters that passed between us
there was something so kingly and commanding in his； and so
deceitful and submissive in mine； that I sometimes could not help
reflecting on the difference betwixt this correspondence and that
with lord Percy； yet I was so pressed forward by the desire of a
crown； I could not think of turning back。 In all I wrote I
continually praised his resolution of letting me be at a distance
from him； since at this time it conduced indeed to my honor； but；
what was of ten times more weight with me； I thought it was
necessary for his； and I would sooner suffer anything in the
world than be any means of hurt to him； either in his interest or
reputation。 I always gave some hints of ill health； with some
reflections how necessary the peace of the mind was to that of
the body。 By these means I brought him to recall me again by the
most absolute command； which I； for a little time； artfully
delayed （for I knew the impatience of his temp