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money； and supply your betters with what they want。 Be quick；
sirrah； or I'll fetch the beadle to you。 Don't fancy yourself in
the lower world again； with your privilege at your a。〃 He then
shook a cane at his lordship； who immediately began to tell out
his money； with the same miserable air and face which the miser
on our stage wears while he delivers his bank…bills。 This
affected some of us so much that we had certainly returned with
no more than what would have been sufficient to fee the porters；
had not our host； perceiving our compassion； begged us not to
spare a fellow who； in the midst of immense wealth； had always
refused the least contribution to charity。 Our hearts were
hardened with this reflection； and we all filled our pockets with
his money。 I remarked a poetical spirit； in particular； who
swore he would have a hearty gripe at him： 〃For；〃 says he； 〃the
rascal not only refused to subscribe to my works； but sent back
my letter unanswered； though I am a better gentleman than
himself。〃 We now returned from this miserable object； greatly
admiring the propriety as well as justice of his punishment；
which consisted； as our host informed us； merely in the
delivering forth his money； and； he observed； we could not wonder
at the pain this gave him； since it was as reasonable that the
bare parting with money should make him miserable as that the
bare having money without using it should have made him happy。
Other tie…wig porters （for those we had summoned before refused
to visit us again） now attended us； and we having fee'd them the
instant they entered the room； according to the instructions of
our host； they bowed and smiled； and offered to introduce us to
whatever disease we pleased。
We set out several ways； as we were all to pay our respects to
different ladies。 I directed my porter to show me to the Fever
on the Spirits； being the disease which had delivered me from the
flesh。 My guide and I traversed many streets； and knocked at
several doors； but to no purpose。 At one； we were told； lived
the Consumption； at another； the Maladie Alamode； a French lady；
at the third； the Dropsy； at the fourth； the Rheumatism； at the
fifth； Intemperance； at the sixth； Misfortune。 I was tired； and
had exhausted my patience； and almost my purse； for I gave my
porter a new fee at every blunder he made： when my guide； with a
solemn countenance； told me he could do no more； and marched off
without any farther ceremony。
He was no sooner gone than I met another gentleman with a ticket；
i。 e。； an amber…headed cane in his hand。 I first fee'd him； and
then acquainted him with the name of the disease。 He cast
himself for two or three minutes into a thoughtful posture； then
pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket； on which he wrote
something in one of the Oriental languages； I believe； for I
could not read a syllable： he bade me carry it to such a
particular shop； and； telling me it would do my business； he took
his leave。
Secure； as I now thought myself； of my direction； I went to the
shop； which very much resembled an apothecary's。 The person who
officiated； having read the paper； took down about twenty
different jars； and； pouring something out of every one of them；
made a mixture； which he delivered to me in a bottle； having
first tied a paper round the neck of it； on which were written
three or four words； the last containing eleven syllables。 I
mentioned the name of the disease I wanted to find out； but
received no other answer than that he had done as he was ordered；
and the drugs were excellent。 I began now to be enraged； and；
quitting the shop with some anger in my countenance； I intended
to find out my inn； but； meeting in the way a porter whose
countenance had in it something more pleasing than ordinary； I
resolved to try once more； and clapped a fee into his hand。 As
soon as I mentioned the disease to him he laughed heartily； and
told me I had been imposed on； for in reality no such disease was
to be found in that city。 He then inquired into the particulars
of my case； and was no sooner acquainted with them than he
informed me that the Maladie Alamode was the lady to whom I was
obliged。 I thanked him； and immediately went to pay my respects
to her。 The house； or rather palace； of this lady was one of the
most beautiful and magnificent in the city。 The avenue to it was
planted with sycamore trees； with beds of flowers on each side；
it was extremely pleasant but short。 I was conducted through a
magnificent hall； adorned with several statues and bustoes； most
of them maimed； whence I concluded them all to be true antiques；
but was informed they were the figures of several modern heroes；
who had died martyrs to her ladyship's cause。 I next mounted
through a large painted staircase； where several persons were
depicted in caricatura； and； upon inquiry； was told they were the
portraits of those who had distinguished themselves against the
lady in the lower world。 I suppose I should have known the faces
of many physicians and surgeons； had they not been so violently
distorted by the painter。 Indeed； he had exerted so much malice
in his work； that I believe he had himself received some
particular favors from the lady of this mansion： it is difficult
to conceive a group of stranger figures。 I then entered a long
room； hung round with the pictures of women of such exact shapes
and features that I should have thought myself in a gallery of
beauties； had not a certain sallow paleness in their complexions
given me a more distasteful idea。 Through this I proceeded to a
second apartment； adorned； if I may so call it； with the figures
of old ladies。 Upon my seeming to admire at this furniture； the
servant told me with a smile that these had been very good
friends of his lady； and had done her eminent service in the
lower world。 I immediately recollected the faces of one or two
of my acquaintance； who had formerly kept bagnios； but was very
much surprised to see the resemblance of a lady of great
distinction in such company。 The servant； upon my mentioning
this； made no other answer than that his lady had pictures of all
degrees。 I was now introduced into the presence of the lady
herself。 She was a thin； or rather meager； person； very wan in
the countenance； had no nose and many pimples in her face。 She
offered to rise at my entrance； but could not stand。 After many
compliments； much congratulation on her side； and the most
fervent expressions of gratitude on mine； she asked me many
questions concerning the situation of her affairs in the lower
world； most of which I answered to her entire satisfaction。 At
last； with a kind of forced smile； she said； 〃I suppose the pill
and drop go on swimmingly？〃 I told her they were reported to
have done great cures。 She replied she could apprehend no danger
from any person who was not of regular practice； 〃for； however
simple mankind are；〃 said she； 〃or however afraid they are of
death； they prefer dying in a regular manner to being cured by a
nostrum。〃 She then expressed great pleasure at the account I
gave her of the beau monde。 She said she had herself removed the
hundreds of Drury to the hundreds of Charing…cross； and was very
much delighted to find they had spread into St。 James's； that
she imputed this chiefly to several of her dear and worthy
friends； who had lately published their excellent works；
endeavoring to extirpate all notions of religion and virtue； and
particularly to the deserving author of the Bachelor's Estimate；
〃to whom；〃 said she； 〃if I had not reason to think he was a
surgeon； and had therefore written from mercenary views； I could
never sufficiently own my obligations。〃 She spoke likewise
greatly in approbation of the method； so generally used by
parents； of marrying children very young； and without the least
affection between the parties； and concluded by saying that； if
these fashions continued to spread； she doubted not but she
should shortly be the only disease who would ever receive a visit
from any person of considerable rank。
While we were discoursing her three daughters entered the room。
They were all called by hard names； the eldest was named Lepra；
the second Chaeras； and the third Scorbutia。＇8＇ They were all
genteel； but ugly。 I could not help observing the little respect
they paid their parent； which the old lady remarking in my
countenance； as soon as they quitted the room； which soon
happened； acquainted me with her unhappiness in her offspring；
every one of which had the confidence to deny themselves to be
her children； though she said she had been a very indulgent
mother and had plentifully provided for them all。 As family
complaints generally as much tire the hearer as they relieve him
who makes them； when I found her launching farther into this
subject I resolved to put an end to my visit； and； taking