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drop of it; but throw it away; or give it to any other who will
receive it; by which means some who were not disgusted by the
nauseousness drank double and treble portions。 I observed a
beautiful young female; who; tasting it immediately from
curiosity; screwed up her face and cast it from her with great
disdain; whence advancing presently to the wheel; she drew a
coronet; which she clapped up so eagerly that I could not
distinguish the degree; and indeed I observed several of the same
sex; after a very small sip; throw the bottles away。 As soon as
the spirit is dismissed by the operator; or apothecary; he is at
liberty to approach the wheel; where he hath a right to extract a
single lot: but those whom Fortune favors she permits sometimes
secretly to draw three or four。 I observed a comical kind of
figure who drew forth a handful; which; when he opened; were a
bishop; a general; a privy…counselor; a player; and a poet…
laureate; and; returning the three first; he walked off; smiling;
with the two last。 Every single lot contained two more articles;
which were generally disposed so as to render the lots as equal
as possible to each other; on one was written; EARL; RICHES;
HEALTH; DISQUIETUDE; on another; COBLER; SICKNESS; GOOD…HUMOR; on
a third; POET; CONTEMPT; SELF…SATISFACTION; on a fourth; GENERAL;
HONOR; DISCONTENT; on a fifth; COTTAGE; HAPPY LOVE; on a sixth;
COACH AND SIX; IMPOTENT JEALOUS HUSBAND; on a seventh; PRIME
MINISTER; DISGRACE; on an eighth; PATRIOT; GLORY; on a ninth;
PHILOSOPHER; POVERTY; EASE; on a tenth; MERCHANT; RICHES; CARE。
And indeed the whole seemed to contain such a mixture of good and
evil; that it would have puzzled me which to choose。 I must not
omit here that in every lot was directed whether the drawer
should marry or remain in celibacy; the married lots being all
marked with a large pair of horns。 We were obliged; before we
quitted this place; to take each of us an emetic from the
apothecary; which immediately purged us of all our earthly
passions; and presently the cloud forsook our eyes; as it doth
those of Aeneas in Virgil; when removed by Venus; and we
discerned things in a much clearer light than before。 We began
to compassionate those spirits who were making their entry into
the flesh; whom we had till then secretly envied; and to long
eagerly for those delightful plains which now opened themselves
to our eyes; and to which we now hastened with the utmost
eagerness。 On our way we met with several spirits with very
dejected countenances; but our expedition would not suffer us to
ask any questions。 At length we arrived at the gate of Elysium。
Here was a prodigious crowd of spirits waiting for admittance;
some of whom were admitted; and some were rejected; for all were
strictly examined by the porter; whom I soon discovered to be the
celebrated judge Minos。
CHAPTER VII
The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium。
I now got near enough to the gate to hear the several claims of
those who endeavored to pass。 The first among other pretensions;
set forth that he had been very liberal to an hospital; but Minos
answered; 〃Ostentation;〃 and repulsed him。 The second exhibited
that he had constantly frequented his church; been a rigid
observer of fast…days: he likewise represented the great
animosity he had shown to vice in others; which never escaped his
severest censure; and as to his own behavior; he had never been
once guilty of whoring; drinking; gluttony; or any other excess。
He said he had disinherited his son for getting a bastard。 〃Have
you so?〃 said Minos; 〃then pray return into the other world and
beget another; for such an unnatural rascal shall never pass this
gate。〃 A dozen others; who had advanced with very confident
countenances; seeing him rejected; turned about of their own
accord; declaring; if he could not pass; they had no expectation;
and accordingly they followed him back to earth; which was the
fate of all who were repulsed; they being obliged to take a
further purification; unless those who were guilty of some very
heinous crimes; who were hustled in at a little back gate; whence
they tumbled immediately into the bottomless pit。
The next spirit that came up declared he had done neither good
nor evil in the world; for that since his arrival at man's estate
he had spent his whole time in search of curiosities; and
particularly in the study of butterflies; of which he had
collected an immense number。 Minos made him no answer; but with
great scorn pushed him back。 There now advanced a very beautiful
spirit indeed。 She began to ogle Minos the moment she saw him。
She said she hoped there was some merit in refusing a great
number of lovers; and dying a maid; though she had had the choice
of a hundred。 Minos told her she had not refused enow yet; and
turned her back。
She was succeeded by a spirit who told the judge he believed his
works would speak for him。 〃What works?〃 answered Minos。 〃My
dramatic works;〃 replied the other; 〃which have done so much good
in recommending virtue and punishing vice。〃 〃Very well;〃 said
the judge; 〃if you please to stand by; the first person who
passes the gate by your means shall carry you in with him; but;
if you will take my advice; I think; for expedition sake; you had
better return; and live another life upon earth。〃 The bard
grumbled at this; and replied that; besides his poetical works;
he had done some other good things: for that he had once lent
the whole profits of a benefit…night to a friend; and by that
means had saved him and his family from destruction。 Upon this
the gate flew open; and Minos desired him to walk in; telling
him; if he had mentioned this at first; he might have spared the
remembrance of his plays。 The poet answered; he believed; if
Minos had read his works; he would set a higher value on them。
He was then beginning to repeat; but Minos pushed him forward;
and; turning his back to him; applied himself to the next
passenger; a very genteel spirit; who made a very low bow to
Minos; and then threw himself into an erect attitude; and
imitated the motion of taking snuff with his right hand。 Minos
asked him what he had to say for himself。 He answered; he would
dance a minuet with any spirit in Elysium: that he could
likewise perform all his other exercises very well; and hoped he
had in his life deserved the character of a perfect fine
gentleman。 Minos replied it would be great pity to rob the world
of so fine a gentleman; and therefore desired him to take the
other trip。 The beau bowed; thanked the judge; and said he
desired no better。
Several spirits expressed much astonishment at this his
satisfaction; but we were afterwards informed he had not taken
the emetic above mentioned。
A miserable old spirit now crawled forwards; whose face I thought
I had formerly seen near Westminster Abbey。 He entertained Minos
with a long harangue of what he had done when in the HOUSE; and
then proceeded to inform him how much he was worth; without
attempting to produce a single instance of any one good action。
Minos stopped the career of his discourse; and acquainted him he
must take a trip back again。
〃What! to S house?〃 said the spirit in an ecstasy; but the
judge; without making him any answer; turned to another; who with
a very solemn air and great dignity; acquainted him he was a
duke。 〃To the right…about; Mr。 Duke;〃 cried Minos; 〃you are
infinitely too great a man for Elysium;〃 and then; giving him a
kick on the bch; he addressed himself to a spirit who; with
fear and trembling; begged he might not go to the bottomless pit:
he said he hoped Minos would consider that; though he had gone
astray; he had suffered for itthat it was necessity which drove
him to the robbery of eighteenpence; which he had committed; and
for which he was hangedthat he had done some good actions in
his lifethat he had supported an aged parent with his labor
that he had been a very tender husband and a kind fatherand
that he had ruined himself by being bail for his friend。 At
which words the gate opened; and Minos bade him enter; giving him
a slap on the back as he passed by him。 A great number of
spirits now came forwards; who all declared they had the same
claim; and that the captain should speak for them。 He acquainted
the judge that they had been all slain in the service of their
country。 Minos was going to admit them; but had the curiosity to
ask who had been the invader; in order; as he said; to prepare
the back gate for him。 The captain answered they had been the
invaders themselvesthat they had entered the enemy's country;
and burned and plundered several cities。 〃And for what reason?〃
said Minos。 〃By the command of him who paid us;〃 said the
captain; 〃that is the reason of a soldier。 We are to execute
whatever we are commanded; or we should be a disgrace to