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ch needs no beer…barrels or hustings； and is _cheaper_ in expense of money and of falsity a thousand and a million fold； have an economical red…tape drilling establishment （it were easier to devise such a thing than a right _Modern University_）；and fling out your orange…skin among the graduates； when you want a new Premier。
A mighty question indeed！ Who shall be Premier； and take in hand the 〃rudder of government；〃 otherwise called the 〃spigot of taxation；〃 shall it be the Honorable Felix Parvulus； or the Right Honorable Felicissimus Zero？ By our electioneerings and Hansard Debatings； and ever…enduring tempest of jargon that goes on everywhere； we manage to settle that； to have it declared； with no bloodshed except insignificant blood from the nose in hustings…time； but with immense beershed and inkshed and explosion of nonsense； which darkens all the air； that the Right Honorable Zero is to be the man。 That we firmly settle； Zero； all shivering with rapture and with terror； mounts into the high saddle； cramps himself on； with knees； heels； hands and feet； and the horse gallopswhither it lists。 That the Right Honorable Zero should attempt controlling the horseAlas； alas； he； sticking on with beak and claws； is too happy if the horse will only gallop any…whither； and not throw him。 Measure； polity； plan or scheme of public good or evil； is not in the head of Felicissimus； except； if he could but devise it； some measure that would please his horse for the moment； and encourage him to go with softer paces； godward or devilward as it might be； and save Felicissimus's leather； which is fast wearing。 This is what we call a Government in England； for nearly two centuries now。
I wish Felicissimus were saddle…sick forever and a day！ He is a dreadful object； however much we are used to him。 If the horse had not been bred and broken in； for a thousand years； by real riders and horse…subduers； perhaps the best and bravest the world ever saw； what would have become of Felicissimus and him long since？ This horse； by second…nature； religiously respects all fences； gallops； if never so madly； on the highways alone；seems to me； of late； like a desperate Sleswick thunder…horse who had lost his way； galloping in the labyrinthic lanes of a woody flat country； passionate to reach his goal； unable to reach it； because in the flat leafy lanes there is no outlook whatever； and in the bridle there is no guidance whatever。 So he gallops stormfully along； thinking it is forward and forward； and alas； it is only round and round； out of one old lane into the other；nay （according to some） 〃he mistakes _his own footprints_； which of course grow ever more numerous； for the sign of a more and more frequented road；〃 and his despair is hourly increasing。 My impression is； he is certain soon； such is the growth of his necessity and his despair； toplunge _across_ the fence； into an opener survey of the country； and to sweep Felicissimus off his back； and comb him away very tragically in the process！ Poor Sleswicker； I wish you were better ridden。 I perceive it lies in the Fates you must now either be better ridden； or else not long at all。 This plunging in the heavy labyrinth of over…shaded lanes； with one's stomach getting empty； one's Ireland falling into cannibalism； and no vestige of a goal either visible or possible； cannot last。
Colonial Offices； Foreign； Home and other Offices； got together under these strange circumstances； cannot well be expected to be the best that human ingenuity could devise； the wonder rather is to see them so good as they are。 Who made them； ask me not。 Made they clearly were； for we see them here in a concrete condition； writing despatches； and drawing salary with a view to buy pudding。 But how those Offices in Downing Street were made； who made them； or for what kind of objects they were made； would be hard to say at present。 Dim visions and phantasmagories gathered from the Books of Horace Walpole； Memoirs of Bubb Doddington； Memoirs of my Lady Sundon； Lord Fanny Hervey； and innumerable others； rise on us； beckoning fantastically towards； not an answer； but some conceivable intimations of an answer； and proclaiming very legibly the old text； 〃_Quam parva sapientia_；〃 in respect of this hard…working much…subduing British Nation； giving rise to endless reflections in a thinking Englishman of this day。 Alas； it is ever so： each generation has its task； and does it better or worse； greatly neglecting what is not immediately its task。 Our poor grandfathers； so busy conquering Indias； founding Colonies； inventing spinning…jennies； kindling Lancashires and Bromwichams； took no thought about the government of all that； left it all to be governed by Lord Fanny and the Hanover Succession； or how the gods pleased。 And now we the poor grandchildren find that it will not stick together on these terms any longer； that our sad； dangerous and sore task is to discover some government for this big world which has been conquered to us； that the red…tape Offices in Downing Street are near the end of their rope； that if we can get nothing better； in the way of government； it is all over with our world and us。 How the Downing…Street Offices originated； and what the meaning of them was or is； let Dryasdust； when in some lucid moment the whim takes him； instruct us。 Enough for us to know and see clearly； with urgent practical inference derived from such insight； That they were not made for us or for our objects at all； that the devouring Irish Giant is here； and that he cannot be fed with red…tape； and will eat us if we cannot feed him。
On the whole； let us say Felicissimus made them；or rather it was the predecessors of Felicissimus； who were not so dreadfully hunted； sticking to the wild and ever more desperate Sleswicker in the leafy labyrinth of lanes； as he now is。 He； I think； will never make anything； but be combed off by the elm…boughs； and left sprawling in the ditch。 But in past time； this and the other heavy…laden red…tape soul had withal a glow of patriotism in him； now and then； in his whirling element； a gleam of human ingenuity； some eye towards business that must be done。 At all events； for him and every one； Parliament needed to be persuaded that business was done。 By the contributions of many such heavy…laden souls； driven on by necessity outward and inward； these singular Establishments are here。 Contributionswho knows how far back they go； far beyond the reign of George the Second； or perhaps the reign of William Conqueror。 Noble and genuine some of them were； many of them were； I need not doubt： for there is no human edifice that stands long but has got itself planted； here and there； upon the basis of fact； and being built； in many respects； according to the laws of statics： no standing edifice； especially no edifice of State； but has had the wise and brave at work in it； contributing their lives to it； and is 〃cemented；〃 whether it know the fact or not； 〃by the blood of heroes！〃 None； not even the Foreign Office； Home Office； still less the National Palaver itself。 William Conqueror； I find； must have had a first…rate Home Office； for his share。 The _Domesday Book_； done in four years； and done as it is； with such an admirable brevity； explicitness and completeness； testifies emphatically what kind of under…secretaries and officials William had。 Silent officials and secretaries； I suppose； not wasting themselves in parliamentary talk； reserving all their intelligence for silent survey of the huge dumb fact； silent consideration how they might compass the mastery of that。 Happy secretaries； happy William！
But indeed nobody knows what inarticulate traditions； remnants of old wisdom； priceless though quite anonymous； survive in many modern things that still have life in them。 Ben Brace； with his taciturnities； and rugged stoical ways； with his tarry breeches； stiff as plank…breeches； I perceive is still a kind of _Lod…brog_ （Loaded…breeks） in more senses than one； and derives； little conscious of it； many of his excellences from the old Sea…kings and Saxon Pirates themselves； and how many Blakes and Nelsons since have contributed to Ben！ 〃Things are not so false always as they seem；〃 said a certain Professor to me once： 〃of this you will find instances in every country； and in your England more than anyand I hope will draw lessons from them。 An English Seventy…four； if you look merely at the articulate law and methods of it； is one of the impossiblest entities。 The captain is appointed not by preeminent merit in sailorship； but by parliamentary connection； the men ＇this was spoken some years ago＇ are got by impressment； a press…gang goes out； knocks men down。 on the streets of sea…towns； and drags them on board；if the ship were to be stranded； I have heard they would nearly all run ashore and desert。 Can anything be more unreasonable than a Seventy…four？ Articulately almost nothing。 But it has inarticulate traditions； ancient methods and habitudes in it； stoicisms； noblenesses； _true_ rules both of sailing and of conduct； enough to keep it afloat on Nature's veridical bosom； after all。 See； if you bid it sail to the end of the world； it will lift anchor； go； and arrive。 The raging oceans