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if Cambridge objects； teach Cambridge better manners。〃 Prothero's face was suddenly transfigured with rage。 〃I tell you she won't come！〃 he said。 〃Billy！〃 said Benham； 〃you should make her！〃 〃I can't。〃 〃If a man loves a woman he can make her do anything〃 〃But I don't love her like that；〃 said Prothero； shrill with anger。 〃I tell you I don't love her like that。〃 Then he lunged into further deeps。 〃It's the other men；〃 he said； 〃it's the things that have been。 Don't you understand？ Can't you understand？ The memoriesshe must have memoriesthey come between us。 It's something deeper than reason。 It's in one's spine and under one's nails。 One could do anything； I perceive； for one's very own woman。 。 。 。〃 〃MAKE her your very own woman； said the exponent of heroic love。 〃I shirk deeds； Benham； but you shirk facts。 How could any man make her his very own woman now？ Youyou don't seem to understand ANYTHING。 She's nobody's womanfor ever。 Thatthat might…have… been has gone for ever。 。 。 。 It's nervesa passion of the nerves。 There's a cruelty in life and She's KIND to me。 She's so kind to me。 。 。 。〃 And then again Prothero was weeping like a vexed child。
15
The end of Prothero's first love affair came to Benham in broken fragments in letters。 When he looked for Anna Alexievna in Decemberhe never learnt her surnamehe found she had left the Cosmopolis Bazaar soon after Prothero's departure and he could not find whither she had gone。 He never found her again。 Moscow and Russia had swallowed her up。 Of course she and Prothero parted； that was a foregone conclusion。 But Prothero's manner of parting succeeded in being at every phase a shock to Benham's ideas。 It was clear he went off almost callously； it would seem there was very little crying。 Towards the end it was evident that the two had quarrelled。 The tears only came at the very end of all。 It was almost as if he had got through the passion and was glad to go。 Then came regret； a regret that increased in geometrical proportion with every mile of distance。 In Warsaw it was that grief really came to Prothero。 He had some hours there and he prowled the crowded streets； seeing girls and women happy with their lovers； abroad upon bright expeditions and full of delicious secrets； girls and women who ever and again flashed out some instant resemblance to Anna。 。 。 。 In Berlin he stopped a night and almost decided that he would go back。 〃But now I had the damned frontier；〃 he wrote； 〃between us。〃 It was so entirely in the spirit of Prothero； Benham thought； to let the 〃damned frontier〃 tip the balance against him。 Then came a scrawl of passionate confession； so passionate that it seemed as if Prothero had been transfigured。 〃I can't stand this business；〃 he wrote。 〃It has things in it； possibilities of emotional disturbanceyou can have no idea！ In the trainluckily I was alone in the compartmentI sat and thought； and suddenly； I could not help it； I was weepingnoisy weeping； an uproar！ A beastly German came and stood in the corridor to stare。 I had to get out of the train。 It is disgraceful； it is monstrous we should be made like this。 。 。 。 〃Here I am stranded in Hanover with nothing to do but to write to you about my dismal feelings。 。 。 。〃 After that surely there was nothing before a broken…hearted Prothero but to go on with his trailing wing to Trinity and a life of inappeasable regrets； but again Benham reckoned without the invincible earthliness of his friend。 Prothero stayed three nights in Paris。 〃There is an extraordinary excitement about Paris；〃 he wrote。 〃A levity。 I suspect the gypsum in the subsoilsome as yet undescribed radiations。 Suddenly the world looks brightly cynical。 。 。 。 None of those tear…compelling German emanations。 。 。 。 〃And； Benham； I have found a friend。 〃A woman。 Of course you will laugh； you will sneer。 You do not understand these things。 。 。 。 Yet they are so simple。 It was the strangest accident brought us together。 There was something that drew us together。 A sort of instinct。 Near the Boulevard Poissoniere。 。 。 。〃 〃Good heavens！〃 said Benham。 〃A sort of instinct！〃 〃I told her all about Anna！〃 〃Good Lord！〃 cried Benham。 〃She understood。 Perfectly。 None of your so…called ‘respectable' women could have understood。 。 。 。 At first I intended merely to talk to her。 。 。 。〃 Benham crumpled the letter in his hand。 〃Little Anna Alexievna！〃 he said； 〃you were too clean for him。〃
16
Benham had a vision of Prothero returning from all this foreign travel meekly； pensively； a little sadly； and yet not without a kind of relief； to the grey mildness of Trinity。 He saw him； capped and gowned； and restored to academic dignity again； nodding greetings； resuming friendships。 The little man merged again into his rare company of discreet Benedicts and restrained celibates at the high tables。 They ate on in their mature wisdom long after the undergraduates had fled。 Presently they would withdraw processionally to the combination room。 。 。 。 There would be much to talk about over the wine。 Benham speculated what account Prothero would give of Moscow。 。 。 。 He laughed abruptly。 And with that laugh Prothero dropped out of Benham's world for a space of years。 There may have been other letters； but if so they were lost in the heaving troubles of a revolution…strained post… office。 Perhaps to this day they linger sere and yellow in some forgotten pigeon…hole in Kishinev or Ekaterinoslav。 。 。 。
17
In November； after an adventure in the trader's quarter of Kieff which had brought him within an inch of death； and because an emotional wave had swept across him and across his correspondence with Amanda； Benham went back suddenly to England and her。 He wanted very greatly to see her and also he wanted to make certain arrangements about his property。 He returned by way of Hungary； and sent telegrams like shouts of excitement whenever the train stopped for a sufficient time。 〃Old Leopard； I am coming； I am coming；〃 he telegraphed； announcing his coming for the fourth time。 It was to be the briefest of visits； very passionate； the mutual refreshment of two noble lovers； and then he was returning to Russia again。 Amanda was at Chexington； and there he found her installed in the utmost dignity of expectant maternity。 Like many other people he had been a little disposed to regard the bearing of children as a common human experience； at Chexington he came to think of it as a rare and sacramental function。 Amanda had become very beautiful in quiet； grey； dove…like tones； her sun…touched； boy's complexion had given way to a soft glow of the utmost loveliness； her brisk little neck that had always reminded him of the stalk of a flower was now softened and rounded； her eyes were tender； and she moved about the place in the manner of one who is vowed to a great sacrifice。 She dominated the scene； and Lady Marayne； with a certain astonishment in her eyes and a smouldering disposition to irony； was the half… sympathetic； half…resentful priestess of her daughter…in…law's unparalleled immolation。 The MOTIF of motherhood was everywhere； and at his bedside he foundit had been put there for him by Amandaamong much other exaltation of woman's mission； that most wonderful of all philoprogenitive stories； Hudson's CRYSTAL AGE。 Everybody at Chexington had an air of being grouped about the impending fact。 An epidemic of internal troubles； it is true； kept Sir Godfrey in the depths of London society； but to make up for his absence Mrs。 Morris had taken a little cottage down by the river and the Wilder girls were with her； both afire with fine and subtle feelings and both； it seemed； and more particularly Betty； prepared to be keenly critical of Benham's attitude。 He did a little miss his cue in these exaltations； because he had returned in a rather different vein of exaltation。 In missing it he was assisted by Amanda herself； who had at moments an effect upon him of a priestess confidentially disrobed。 It was as if she put aside for him something official； something sincerely maintained； necessary； but at times a little irksome。 It was as if she was glad to take him into her confidence and unbend。 Within the pre…natal Amanda an impish Amanda still lingered。 There were aspects of Amanda that it was manifest dear Betty must never know。 。 。 。 But the real Amanda of that November visit even in her most unpontifical moods did not quite come up to the imagined Amanda who had drawn him home across Europe。 At times she was extraordinarily jolly。 They had two or three happy walks about the Chexington woods； that year the golden weather of October had flowed over into November； and except for a carpet of green and gold under the horse… chestnuts most of the leaves were still on the trees。 Gleams of her old wanton humour shone on him。 And then would come something else； something like a shadow across the world； something he had quite forgotten since his idea of heroic love had flooded him； something that reminded him of those long explanations with Mr。 Rathbone… Sanders that had never been explained； and of the curate in the doorway of the cottage and his unaccountable tears。 On the afternoon of his arrival at Chexington he was a little surprised to find Sir P