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〃'Why； I'll tell you what I say；' says I。 'I say let's settle this
thing right here now。 I don't see any use of wasting any more time。' I
took a nickel…plated 。38 out of my pocket and clicked the cylinder
around a few times。
〃'You undevout； sinful； insidious hog；' says I to Murkison； 'get out
that two thousand and lay it on the table。 Obey with velocity；' says
I； 'for otherwise alternatives are impending。 I am preferably a man of
mildness； but now and then I find myself in the middle of extremities。
Such men as you；' I went on after he had laid the money out； 'is what
keeps the jails and court houses going。 You come up here to rob these
men of their money。 Does it excuse you？' I asks； 'that they were
trying to skin you？ No； sir； you was going to rob Peter to stand off
Paul。 You are ten times worse；' says I； 'than that green goods man。
You go to church at home and pretend to be a decent citizen； but
you'll come to Chicago and commit larceny from men that have built up
a sound and profitable business by dealing with such contemptible
scoundrels as you have tried to be to…day。 How do you know；' says I；
'that that green goods man hasn't a large family dependent upon his
extortions？ It's you supposedly respectable citizens who are always on
the lookout to get something for nothing；' says I； 'that support the
lotteries and wild…cat mines and stock exchanges and wire tappers of
this country。 If it wasn't for you they'd go out of business。 The
green goods man you was going to rob；' says I； 'studied maybe for
years to learn his trade。 Every turn he makes he risks his money and
liberty and maybe his life。 You come up here all sanctified and
vanoplied with respectability and a pleasing post office address to
swindle him。 If he gets the money you can squeal to the police。 If you
get it he hocks the gray suit to buy supper and says nothing。 Mr。
Tucker and me sized you up；' says I； 'and came along to see that you
got what you deserved。 Hand over the money；' says I； 'you grass fed
hypocrite。'
〃I put the two thousand； which was all in 20 bills； in my inside
pocket。
〃'Now get out your watch；' says I to Murkison。 'No； I don't want it；'
says I。 'Lay it on the table and you sit in that chair till it ticks
off an hour。 Then you can go。 If you make any noise or leave any
sooner we'll handbill you all over Grassdale。 I guess your high
position there is worth more than 2；000 to you。'
〃Then me and Andy left。
〃On the train Andy was a long time silent。 Then he says： 'Jeff； do you
mind my asking you a question？'
〃'Two；' says I； 'or forty。'
〃'Was that the idea you had；' says he； 'when we started out with
Murkison？'
〃'Why； certainly；' says I。 'What else could it have been？ Wasn't it
yours； too？'
〃In about half an hour Andy spoke again。 I think there are times when
Andy don't exactly understand my system of ethics and moral hygiene。
〃'Jeff；' says he； 'some time when you have the leisure I wish you'd
draw off a diagram and foot…notes of that conscience of yours。 I'd
like to have it to refer to occasionally。'〃
IX
INNOCENTS OF BROADWAY
〃I hope some day to retire from business；〃 said Jeff Peters； 〃and when
I do I don't want anybody to be able to say that I ever got a dollar
of any man's money without giving him a quid pro rata for it。 I've
always managed to leave a customer some little gewgaw to paste in his
scrapbook or stick between his Seth Thomas clock and the wall after we
are through trading。
〃There was one time I came near having to break this rule of mine and
do a profligate and illaudable action； but I was saved from it by the
laws and statutes of our great and profitable country。
〃One summer me and Andy Tucker； my partner； went to New York to lay in
our annual assortment of clothes and gents' furnishings。 We was always
pompous and regardless dressers； finding that looks went further than
anything else in our business； except maybe our knowledge of railroad
schedules and an autograph photo of the President that Loeb sent us；
probably by mistake。 Andy wrote a nature letter once and sent it in
about animals that he had seen caught in a trap lots of times。 Loeb
must have read it 'triplets；' instead of 'trap lots；' and sent the
photo。 Anyhow； it was useful to us to show people as a guarantee of
good faith。
〃Me and Andy never cared much to do business in New York。 It was too
much like pothunting。 Catching suckers in that town； is like
dynamiting a Texas lake for bass。 All you have to do anywhere between
the North and East rivers is to stand in the street with an open bag
marked； 'Drop packages of money here。 No checks or loose bills taken。'
You have a cop handy to club pikers who try to chip in post office
orders and Canadian money； and that's all there is to New York for a
hunter who loves his profession。 So me and Andy used to just nature
fake the town。 We'd get out our spyglasses and watch the woodcocks
along the Broadway swamps putting plaster casts on their broken legs；
and then we'd sneak away without firing a shot。
〃One day in the papier mache palm room of a chloral hydrate and hops
agency in a side street about eight inches off Broadway me and Andy
had thrust upon us the acquaintance of a New Yorker。 We had beer
together until we discovered that each of us knew a man named
Hellsmith； traveling for a stove factory in Duluth。 This caused us to
remark that the world was a very small place； and then this New Yorker
busts his string and takes off his tin foil and excelsior packing and
starts in giving us his Ellen Terris； beginning with the time he used
to sell shoelaces to the Indians on the spot where Tammany Hall now
stands。
〃This New Yorker had made his money keeping a cigar store in Beekman
street； and he hadn't been above Fourteenth street in ten years。
Moreover； he had whiskers； and the time had gone by when a true sport
will do anything to a man with whiskers。 No grafter except a boy who
is soliciting subscribers to an illustrated weekly to win the prize
air rifle； or a widow； would have the heart to tamper with the man
behind with the razor。 He was a typical city ReubI'd bet the man
hadn't been out of sight of a skyscraper in twenty…five years。
〃Well； presently this metropolitan backwoodsman pulls out a roll of
bills with an old blue sleeve elastic fitting tight around it and
opens it up。
〃'There's 5；000； Mr。 Peters；' says he； shoving it over the table to
me； 'saved during my fifteen years of business。 Put that in your
pocket and keep it for me； Mr。 Peters。 I'm glad to meet you gentlemen
from the West； and I may take a drop too much。 I want you to take care
of my money for me。 Now； let's have another beer。'
〃'You'd better keep this yourself；' says I。 'We are strangers to you；
and you can't trust everybody you meet。 Put your roll back in your
pocket；' says I。 'And you'd better run along home before some farm…
hand from the Kaw River bottoms strolls in here and sells you a copper
mine。'
〃'Oh； I don't know；' says Whiskers。 'I guess Little Old New York can
take care of herself。 I guess I know a man that's on the square when I
see him。 I've always found the Western people all right。 I ask you as
a favor； Mr。 Peters；' says he； 'to keep that roll in your pocket for
me。 I know a gentleman when I see him。 And now let's have some more
beer。'
〃In about ten minutes this fall of manna leans back in his chair and
snores。 Andy looks at me and says： 'I reckon I'd better stay with him
for five minutes or so； in case the waiter comes in。'
〃I went out the side door and walked half a block up the street。 And
then I came back and sat down at the table。
〃'Andy；' says I； 'I can't do it。 It's too much like swearing off
taxes。 I can't go off with this man's money without doing something to
earn it like taking advantage of the Bankrupt act or leaving a bottle
of eczema lotion in his pocket to make it look more like a square
deal。'
〃'Well；' says Andy； 'it does seem kind of hard on one's professional
pride to lope off with a bearded pard's competency； especially after
he has nominated you custodian of his bundle in the sappy insouciance
of his urban indiscrimination。 Suppose we wake him up and see if we
can formulate some commercial sophistry by which he will be enabled to
give us both his money and a good excuse。'
〃We wakes up Whiskers。 He stretches himself and yawns out the
hypothesis that he must have dropped off for a minute。 And then he
says he wouldn't mind sitting in at a little gentleman's game of
poker。 He used to play some when he attended high school in Brooklyn；
and as he was out for a good time； whyand so forth。
〃Andy brights up a little at that； for it looks like it might be a
solution to our financial troubles。 So we all three go to our hotel
further down Broadway and have the cards and chips brought up to
Andy's room。 I tried once more to make this Babe in the Horticultural
Gardens take his five thousand。 But no。
〃'Keep that little roll for me； Mr。 Peters；' says he； 'and oblige。
I'll ask you fer it when I want it。 I guess I know when I'm among
friends。 A man that's done business on Beekman street for twenty
years； right in the heart of the wisest old village