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was preordained to labor。 When a No。 1 burglar tries to make a James
out of his jimmy he perpetrates an improfundity。 You have a well…oiled
and efficacious system of luck at cards；' says he。 'Peace go with
you。' And I never afterward sees Bill Bassett again。〃
*****
〃Well； Jeff；〃 said I； when the Autolycan adventurer seemed to have
divulged the gist of his tale； 〃I hope you took care of the money。
That would be a respectathat is a considerable working capital if
you should choose some day to settle down to some sort of regular
business。〃
〃Me？〃 said Jeff； virtuously。 〃You can bet I've taken care of that five
thousand。〃
He tapped his coat over the region of his chest exultantly。
〃Gold mining stock；〃 he explained； 〃every cent of it。 Shares par value
one dollar。 Bound to go up 500 per cent。 within a year。 Non…
assessable。 The Blue Gopher mine。 Just discovered a month ago。 Better
get in yourself if you've any spare dollars on hand。〃
〃Sometimes；〃 said I； 〃these mines are not〃
〃Oh； this one's solid as an old goose；〃 said Jeff。 〃Fifty thousand
dollars' worth of ore in sight； and 10 per cent。 monthly earnings
guaranteed。〃
He drew out a long envelope from his pocket and cast it on the table。
〃Always carry it with me；〃 said he。 〃So the burglar can't corrupt or
the capitalist break in and water it。〃
I looked at the beautifully engraved certificate of stock。
〃In Colorado； I see；〃 said I。 〃And； by the way； Jeff； what was the
name of the little man who went to Denverthe one you and Bill met at
the station？〃
〃Alfred E。 Ricks；〃 said Jeff； 〃was the toad's designation。〃
〃I see；〃 said I； 〃the president of this mining company signs himself
A。 L。 Fredericks。 I was wondering〃
〃Let me see that stock；〃 said Jeff quickly； almost snatching it from
me。
To mitigate； even though slightly； the embarrassment I summoned the
waiter and ordered another bottle of the Barbera。 I thought it was the
least I could do。
XII
A TEMPERED WIND
The first time my optical nerves was disturbed by the sight of
Buckingham Skinner was in Kansas City。 I was standing on a corner when
I see Buck stick his straw…colored head out of a third…story window of
a business block and holler； 〃Whoa； there！ Whoa！〃 like you would in
endeavoring to assuage a team of runaway mules。
I looked around； but all the animals I see in sight is a policeman；
having his shoes shined； and a couple of delivery wagons hitched to
posts。 Then in a minute downstairs tumbles this Buckingham Skinner；
and runs to the corner； and stands and gazes down the other street at
the imaginary dust kicked up by the fabulous hoofs of the fictitious
team of chimerical quadrupeds。 And then B。 Skinner goes back up to the
third…story room again； and I see that the lettering on the window is
〃The Farmers' Friend Loan Company。〃
By and by Straw…top comes down again； and I crossed the street to meet
him； for I had my ideas。 Yes； sir； when I got close I could see where
he overdone it。 He was Reub all right as far as his blue jeans and
cowhide boots went； but he had a matinee actor's hands； and the rye
straw stuck over his ear looked like it belonged to the property man
of the Old Homestead Co。 Curiosity to know what his graft was got the
best of me。
〃Was that your team broke away and run just now？〃 I asks him； polite。
〃I tried to stop 'em；〃 says I； 〃but I couldn't。 I guess they're half
way back to the farm by now。〃
〃Gosh blame them darned mules；〃 says Straw…top； in a voice so good
that I nearly apologized； 〃they're a'lus bustin' loose。〃 And then he
looks at me close； and then he takes off his hayseed hat； and says； in
a different voice： 〃I'd like to shake hands with Parleyvoo Pickens；
the greatest street man in the West； barring only Montague Silver；
which you can no more than allow。〃
I let him shake hands with me。
〃I learned under Silver；〃 I said； 〃I don't begrudge him the lead。 But
what's your graft； son？ I admit that the phantom flight of the non…
existing animals at which you remarked 'Whoa！' has puzzled me
somewhat。 How do you win out on the trick？〃
Buckingham Skinner blushed。
〃Pocket money；〃 says he； 〃that's all。 I am temporarily unfinanced。
This little coup de rye straw is good for forty dollars in a town of
this size。 How do I work it？ Why； I involve myself； as you perceive；
in the loathsome apparel of the rural dub。 Thus embalmed I am Jonas
Stubblefielda name impossible to improve upon。 I repair noisily to
the office of some loan company conveniently located in the third…
floor； front。 There I lay my hat and yarn gloves on the floor and ask
to mortgage my farm for 2；000 to pay for my sister's musical
education in Europe。 Loans like that always suit the loan companies。
It's ten to one that when the note falls due the foreclosure will be
leading the semiquavers by a couple of lengths。
〃Well； sir； I reach in my pocket for the abstract of title； but I
suddenly hear my team running away。 I run to the window and emit the
wordor exclamation； which…ever it may beviz； 'Whoa！' Then I rush
down…stairs and down the street； returning in a few minutes。 'Dang
them mules；' I says； 'they done run away and busted the doubletree and
two traces。 Now I got to hoof it home； for I never brought no money
along。 Reckon we'll talk about that loan some other time； gen'lemen。'
〃Then I spreads out my tarpaulin； like the Israelites； and waits for
the manna to drop。
〃'Why； no； Mr。 Stubblefield；' says the lobster…colored party in the
specs and dotted pique vest； 'oblige us by accepting this ten…dollar
bill until to…morrow。 Get your harness repaired and call in at ten。
We'll be pleased to accommodate you in the matter of this loan。'
〃It's a slight thing；〃 says Buckingham Skinner； modest； 〃but； as I
said； only for temporary loose change。〃
〃It's nothing to be ashamed of；〃 says I； in respect for his
mortification； 〃in case of an emergency。 Of course； it's small
compared to organizing a trust or bridge whist； but even the Chicago
University had to be started in a small way。〃
〃What's your graft these days？〃 Buckingham Skinner asks me。
〃The legitimate；〃 says I。 〃I'm handling rhinestones and Dr。 Oleum
Sinapi's Electric Headache Battery and the Swiss Warbler's Bird Call；
a small lot of the new queer ones and twos； and the Bonanza Budget；
consisting of a rolled…gold wedding and engagement ring； six Egyptian
lily bulbs； a combination pickle fork and nail…clipper； and fifty
engraved visiting cardsno two names alikeall for the sum of 38
cents。〃
〃Two months ago；〃 says Buckingham Skinner； 〃I was doing well down in
Texas with a patent instantaneous fire kindler； made of compressed
wood ashes and benzine。 I sold loads of 'em in towns where they like
to burn niggers quick； without having to ask somebody for a light。 And
just when I was doing the best they strikes oil down there and puts me
out of business。 'Your machine's too slow； now； pardner；' they tells
me。 'We can have a coon in hell with this here petroleum before your
old flint…and…tinder truck can get him warm enough to perfess
religion。' And so I gives up the kindler and drifts up here to K。C。
This little curtain…raiser you seen me doing； Mr。 Pickens； with the
simulated farm and the hypothetical teams； ain't in my line at all；
and I'm ashamed you found me working it。〃
〃No man；〃 says I； kindly； 〃need to be ashamed of putting the skibunk
on a loan corporation for even so small a sum as ten dollars； when he
is financially abashed。 Still； it wasn't quite the proper thing。 It's
too much like borrowing money without paying it back。〃
I liked Buckingham Skinner from the start； for as good a man as ever
stood over the axles and breathed gasoline smoke。 And pretty soon we
gets thick； and I let him in on a scheme I'd had in mind for some
time； and offers to go partners。
〃Anything；〃 says Buck； 〃that is not actually dishonest will find me
willing and ready。 Let us perforate into the inwardness of your
proposition。 I feel degraded when I am forced to wear property straw
in my hair and assume a bucolic air for the small sum of ten dollars。
Actually； Mr。 Pickens； it makes me feel like the Ophelia of the Great
Occidental All…Star One…Night Consolidated Theatrical Aggregation。〃
This scheme of mine was one that suited my proclivities。 By nature I
am some sentimental； and have always felt gentle toward the mollifying
elements of existence。 I am disposed to be lenient with the arts and
sciences； and I find time to instigate a cordiality for the more human
works of nature； such as romance and the atmosphere and grass and
poetry and the Seasons。 I never skin a sucker without admiring the
prismatic beauty of his scales。 I never sell a little auriferous
beauty to the man with the hoe without noticing the beautiful harmony
there is between gold and green。 And that's why I liked this scheme；
it was so full of outdoor air and landscapes and easy money。
We had to have a young lady assistant to help us work this graft； and
I asked Buck if he knew of one to fill the bill。
〃One；〃 says I； 〃that is cool and wise and strictly business from her
pompadour to her Oxfords。 No ex…toe…dancers or gum…chewers or crayon
portrait canvassers