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monopolists； but don't overdo the wassail。 You know our most eminent
and loathed multi…corruptionists live on weak tea and dog biscuits。'
〃Andy went in the back room awhile and came out dressed in his best
clothes。 There was a kind of murderous and soulful look of gentle
riotousness in his eye that I didn't like。 I watched him to see what
turn the whiskey was going to take in him。 There are two times when
you never can tell what is going to happen。 One is when a man takes
his first drink； and the other is when a woman takes her latest。
〃In less than an hour Andy's skate had turned to an ice yacht。 He was
outwardly decent and managed to preserve his aquarium； but inside he
was impromptu and full of unexpectedness。
〃'Jeff；' says he； 'do you know that I'm a cratera living crater？'
〃'That's a self…evident hypothesis；' says I。 'But you're not Irish。
Why don't you say 'creature；' according to the rules and syntax of
America？'
〃'I'm the crater of a volcano；' says he。 'I'm all aflame and crammed
inside with an assortment of words and phrases that have got to have
an exodus。 I can feel millions of synonyms and parts of speech rising
in me；' says he； 'and I've got to make a speech of some sort。 Drink；'
says Andy； 'always drives me to oratory。'
〃'It could do no worse；' says I。
〃'From my earliest recollections；' says he； 'alcohol seemed to
stimulate my sense of recitation and rhetoric。 Why； in Bryan's second
campaign；' says Andy； 'they used to give me three gin rickeys and I'd
speak two hours longer than Billy himself could on the silver
question。 Finally； they persuaded me to take the gold cure。'
〃'If you've got to get rid of your excess verbiage；' says I； 'why not
go out on the river bank and speak a piece？ It seems to me there was
an old spell…binder named Cantharides that used to go and
disincorporate himself of his windy numbers along the seashore。'
〃'No；' says Andy； 'I must have an audience。 I feel like if I once
turned loose people would begin to call Senator Beveridge the Grand
Young Sphinx of the Wabash。 I've got to get an audience together；
Jeff； and get this oral distension assuaged or it may turn in on me
and I'd go about feeling like a deckle…edge edition de luxe of Mrs。 E。
D。 E。 N。 Southworth。'
〃'On what special subject of the theorems and topics does your desire
for vocality seem to be connected with？' I asks。
〃'I ain't particular；' says Andy。 'I am equally good and varicose on
all subjects。 I can take up the matter of Russian immigration； or the
poetry of John W。 Keats； or the tariff； or Kabyle literature； or
drainage； and make my audience weep； cry； sob and shed tears by
turns。'
〃'Well； Andy；' says I； 'if you are bound to get rid of this
accumulation of vernacular suppose you go out in town and work it on
some indulgent citizen。 Me and the boys will take care of the
business。 Everybody will be through dinner pretty soon； and salt pork
and beans makes a man pretty thirsty。 We ought to take in 1；500 more
by midnight。'
〃So Andy goes out of the Blue Snake； and I see him stopping men on the
street and talking to 'em。 By and by he has half a dozen in a bunch
listening to him； and pretty soon I see him waving his arms and
elocuting at a good…sized crowd on a corner。 When he walks away they
string out after him； talking all the time； and he leads 'em down the
main street of Bird City with more men joining the procession as they
go。 It reminded me of the old legerdemain that I'd read in books about
the Pied Piper of Heidsieck charming the children away from the town。
〃One o'clock came； and then two； and three got under the wire for
place； and not a Bird citizen came in for a drink。 The streets were
deserted except for some ducks and ladies going to the stores。 There
was only a light drizzle falling then。
〃A lonesome man came along and stopped in front of the Blue Snake to
scrape the mud off his boots。
〃'Pardner；' says I； 'what has happened？ This morning there was hectic
gaiety afoot； and now it seems more like one of them ruined cities of
Tyre and Siphon where the lone lizard crawls on the walls of the main
port…cullis。'
〃'The whole town；' says the muddy man； 'is up in Sperry's wool
warehouse listening to your side…kicker make a speech。 He is some
gravy on delivering himself of audible sounds relating to matters and
conclusions；' says the man。
〃'Well； I hope he'll adjourn； sine qua non； pretty soon；' says I； 'for
trade languishes。'
〃Not a customer did we have that afternoon。 At six o'clock two
Mexicans brought Andy to the saloon lying across the back of a burro。
We put him in bed while he still muttered and gesticulated with his
hands and feet。
〃Then I locked up the cash and went out to see what had happened。 I
met a man who told me all about it。 Andy had made the finest two hour
speech that had ever been heard in Texas； he said； or anywhere else in
the world。
〃'What was it about？' I asked。
〃'Temperance；' says he。 'And when he got through； every man in Bird
City signed the pledge for a year。'〃
II
JEFF PETERS AS A PERSONAL MAGNET
Jeff Peters has been engaged in as many schemes for making money as
there are recipes for cooking rice in Charleston； S。C。
Best of all I like to hear him tell of his earlier days when he sold
liniments and cough cures on street corners； living hand to mouth；
heart to heart with the people； throwing heads or tails with fortune
for his last coin。
〃I struck Fisher Hill； Arkansaw；〃 said he； 〃in a buckskin suit；
moccasins； long hair and a thirty…carat diamond ring that I got from
an actor in Texarkana。 I don't know what he ever did with the pocket
knife I swapped him for it。
〃I was Dr。 Waugh…hoo； the celebrated Indian medicine man。 I carried
only one best bet just then； and that was Resurrection Bitters。 It was
made of life…giving plants and herbs accidentally discovered by Ta…
qua…la； the beautiful wife of the chief of the Choctaw Nation； while
gathering truck to garnish a platter of boiled dog for the annual corn
dance。
〃Business hadn't been good in the last town； so I only had five
dollars。 I went to the Fisher Hill druggist and he credited me for
half a gross of eight…ounce bottles and corks。 I had the labels and
ingredients in my valise； left over from the last town。 Life began to
look rosy again after I got in my hotel room with the water running
from the tap； and the Resurrection Bitters lining up on the table by
the dozen。
〃Fake？ No； sir。 There was two dollars' worth of fluid extract of
cinchona and a dime's worth of aniline in that half…gross of bitters。
I've gone through towns years afterwards and had folks ask for 'em
again。
〃I hired a wagon that night and commenced selling the bitters on Main
Street。 Fisher Hill was a low； malarial town； and a compound
hypothetical pneumocardiac anti…scorbutic tonic was just what I
diagnosed the crowd as needing。 The bitters started off like
sweetbreads…on…toast at a vegetarian dinner。 I had sold two dozen at
fifty cents apiece when I felt somebody pull my coat tail。 I knew what
that meant； so I climbed down and sneaked a five dollar bill into the
hand of a man with a German silver star on his lapel。
〃'Constable；' says I； 'it's a fine night。'
〃'Have you got a city license；' he asks； 'to sell this illegitimate
essence of spooju that you flatter by the name of medicine？'
〃'I have not；' says I。 'I didn't know you had a city。 If I can find it
to…morrow I'll take one out if it's necessary。'
〃'I'll have to close you up till you do；' says the constable。
〃I quit selling and went back to the hotel。 I was talking to the
landlord about it。
〃'Oh； you won't stand no show in Fisher Hill；' says he。 'Dr。 Hoskins；
the only doctor here； is a brother…in…law of the Mayor； and they won't
allow no fake doctor to practice in town。'
〃'I don't practice medicine；' says I； 'I've got a State peddler's
license； and I take out a city one wherever they demand it。'
〃I went to the Mayor's office the next morning and they told me he
hadn't showed up yet。 They didn't know when he'd be down。 So Doc
Waugh…hoo hunches down again in a hotel chair and lights a jimpson…
weed regalia； and waits。
〃By and by a young man in a blue necktie slips into the chair next to
me and asks the time。
〃'Half…past ten；' says I； 'and you are Andy Tucker。 I've seen you
work。 Wasn't it you that put up the Great Cupid Combination package on
the Southern States？ Let's see； it was a Chilian diamond engagement
ring； a wedding ring； a potato masher； a bottle of soothing syrup and
Dorothy Vernonall for fifty cents。'
〃Andy was pleased to hear that I remembered him。 He was a good street
man； and he was more than thathe respected his profession； and he
was satisfied with 300 per cent。 profit。 He had plenty of offers to go
into the illegitimate drug and garden seed business； but he was never
to be tempted off of the straight path。
〃I wanted a partner； so Andy and me agreed to go out together。 I told
him about the situation in Fisher Hill and how finances was low on
account of the local mixture of politics and jalap。 Andy had just got
in on the train that morning。 He was pretty low himself； and was going
to c