按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
〃On you？〃 says Buck； winking solemn。 〃Don't you go and try to make 'em
believe at the office you said that。 Thanks。 We can't spare the time；
I reckon。 So long。〃
And me and Buck slides out the door； and that's the way the Golconda
Company went into involuntary liquefaction。
If you had seen me and Buck the next night you'd have had to go to a
little bum hotel over near the West Side ferry landings。 We was in a
little back room； and I was filling up a gross of six…ounce bottles
with hydrant water colored red with aniline and flavored with
cinnamon。 Buck was smoking； contented； and he wore a decent brown
derby in place of his silk hat。
〃It's a good thing； Pick；〃 says he； as he drove in the corks； 〃that we
got Brady to lend us his horse and wagon for a week。 We'll rustle up
the stake by then。 This hair tonic'll sell right along over in Jersey。
Bald heads ain't popular over there on account of the mosquitoes。〃
Directly I dragged out my valise and went down in it for labels。
〃Hair tonic labels are out；〃 says I。 〃Only about a dozen on hand。〃
〃Buy some more；〃 says Buck。
We investigated our pockets and found we had just enough money to
settle our hotel bill in the morning and pay our passage over the
ferry。
〃Plenty of the 'Shake…the…Shakes Chill Cure' labels；〃 says I； after
looking。
〃What more do you want？〃 says Buck。 〃Slap 'em on。 The chill season is
just opening up in the Hackensack low grounds。 What's hair； anyway； if
you have to shake it off？〃
We posted on the Chill Cure labels about half an hour and Buck says：
〃Making an honest livin's better than that Wall Street； anyhow； ain't
it； Pick？〃
〃You bet；〃 says I。
XIII
HOSTAGES TO MOMUS
I
I never got inside of the legitimate line of graft but once。 But； one
time； as I say； I reversed the decision of the revised statutes and
undertook a thing that I'd have to apologize for even under the New
Jersey trust laws。
Me and Caligula Polk； of Muskogee in the Creek Nation； was down in the
Mexican State of Tamaulipas running a peripatetic lottery and monte
game。 Now； selling lottery tickets is a government graft in Mexico；
just like selling forty…eight cents' worth of postage…stamps for
forty…nine cents is over here。 So Uncle Porfirio he instructs the
/rurales/ to attend to our case。
/Rurales/？ They're a sort of country police； but don't draw any mental
crayon portraits of the worthy constables with a tin star and a gray
goatee。 The /rurales/well； if we'd mount our Supreme Court on
broncos； arm 'em with Winchesters； and start 'em out after John Doe
/et al/。； we'd have about the same thing。
When the /rurales/ started for us we started for the States。 They
chased us as far as Matamoras。 We hid in a brickyard； and that night
we swum the Rio Grande； Caligula with a brick in each hand； absent…
minded； which he drops upon the soil of Texas； forgetting he had 'em。
From there we emigrated to San Antone； and then over to New Orleans；
where we took a rest。 And in that town of cotton bales and other
adjuncts to female beauty we made the acquaintance of drinks invented
by the Creoles during the period of Louey Cans； in which they are
still served at the side doors。 The most I can remember of this town
is that me and Caligula and a Frenchman named McCartywait a minute；
Adolph McCartywas trying to make the French Quarter pay up the back
trading…stamps due on the Louisiana Purchase； when somebody hollers
that the johndarms are coming。 I have an insufficient recollection of
buying two yellow tickets through a window； and I seemed to see a man
swing a lantern and say 〃All aboard！〃 I remembered no more； except
that the train butcher was covering me and Caligula up with Augusta J。
Evans's works and figs。
When we become revised； we find that we have collided up against the
State of Georgia at a spot hitherto unaccounted for in time tables
except by an asterisk； which means that trains stop every other
Thursday on signal by tearing up a rail。 We was waked up in a yellow
pine hotel by the noise of flowers and the smell of birds。 Yes； sir；
for the wind was banging sunflowers as big as buggy wheels against the
weatherboarding and the chicken coop was right under the window。 Me
and Caligula dressed and went down…stairs。 The landlord was shelling
peas on the front porch。 He was six feet of chills and fever； and
Hongkong in complexion though in other respects he seemed amenable in
the exercise of his sentiments and features。
Caligula； who is a spokesman by birth； and a small man； though red…
haired and impatient of painfulness of any kind； speaks up。
〃Pardner；〃 says he； 〃good…morning； and be darned to you。 Would you
mind telling us why we are at？ We know the reason we are where； but
can't exactly figure out on account of at what place。〃
〃Well； gentlemen；〃 says the landlord； 〃I reckoned you…all would be
inquiring this morning。 You…all dropped off of the nine…thirty train
here last night； and you was right tight。 Yes； you was right smart in
liquor。 I can inform you that you are now in the town of Mountain
Valley； in the State of Georgia。〃
〃On top of that；〃 says Caligula； 〃don't say that we can't have
anything to eat。〃
〃Sit down； gentlemen；〃 says the landlord； 〃and in twenty minutes I'll
call you to the best breakfast you can get anywhere in town。〃
That breakfast turned out to be composed of fried bacon and a
yellowish edifice that proved up something between pound cake and
flexible sandstone。 The landlord calls it corn pone； and then he sets
out a dish of the exaggerated breakfast food known as hominy； and so
me and Caligula makes the acquaintance of the celebrated food that
enabled every Johnny Reb to lick one and two…thirds Yankees for nearly
four years at a stretch。
〃The wonder to me is；〃 says Caligula； 〃that Uncle Robert Lee's boys
didn't chase the Grant and Sherman outfit clear up into Hudson's Bay。
It would have made me that mad to eat this truck they call mahogany！〃
〃Hog and hominy；〃 I explains； 〃is the staple food of this section。〃
〃Then；〃 says Caligula； 〃they ought to keep it where it belongs。 I
thought this was a hotel and not a stable。 Now； if we was in Muskogee
at the St。 Lucifer House； I'd show you some breakfast grub。 Antelope
steaks and fried liver to begin on； and venison cutlets with /chili
con carne/ and pineapple fritters； and then some sardines and mixed
pickles； and top it off with a can of yellow clings and a bottle of
beer。 You won't find a layout like that on the bill of affairs of any
of your Eastern restauraws。〃
〃Too lavish；〃 says I。 〃I've traveled； and I'm unprejudiced。 There'll
never be a perfect breakfast eaten until some man grows arms long
enough to stretch down to New Orleans for his coffee and over to
Norfolk for his rolls； and reaches up to Vermont and digs a slice of
butter out of a spring…house； and then turns over a beehive close to a
white clover patch out in Indiana for the rest。 Then he'd come pretty
close to making a meal on the amber that the gods eat on Mount
Olympia。〃
〃Too ephemeral；〃 says Caligula。 〃I'd want ham and eggs； or rabbit
stew； anyhow； for a chaser。 What do you consider the most edifying and
casual in the way of a dinner？〃
〃I've been infatuated from time to time；〃 I answers； 〃with fancy
ramifications of grub such as terrapins； lobsters； reed birds；
jambolaya； and canvas…covered ducks； but after all there's nothing
less displeasing to me than a beefsteak smothered in mushrooms on a
balcony in sound of the Broadway streetcards； with a hand…organ
playing down below； and the boys hollering extras about the latest
suicide。 For the wine； give me a reasonable Ponty Cany。 And that's
all； except a /demi…tasse/。〃
〃Well；〃 says Caligula； 〃I reckon in New York you get to be a
conniseer； and when you go around with the /demi…tasse/ you are
naturally bound to buy 'em stylish grub。〃
〃It's a great town for epicures；〃 says I。 〃You'd soon fall into their
ways if you was there。〃
〃I've heard it was；〃 says Caligula。 〃But I reckon I wouldn't。 I can
polish my fingernails all they need myself。〃
II
After breakfast we went out on the front porch； lighted up two of the
landlord's /flor de upas/ perfectos； and took a look at Georgia。
The installment of scenery visible to the eye looked mighty poor。 As
far as we could see was red hills all washed down with gullies and
scattered over with patches of piny woods。 Blackberry bushes was all
that kept the rail fences from falling down。 About fifteen miles over
to the north was a little range of well…timbered mountains。
That town of Mountain Valley wasn't going。 About a dozen people
permeated along the sidewalks； but what you saw mostly was rain…
barrels and roosters； and boys poking around with sticks in piles of
ashes made by burning the scenery of Uncle Tom shows。
And just then there passes down on the other side of the street a high
man in a long black coat and a beaver hat。 All the people in sight
bowed； and some crossed the street to shake hands with him； folks came
out of stores and houses to holler at him； women leaned out of windows
and smiled； and all the kids stopped playing to look at him。 Our
landlord stepped out on th