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and smiled； and all the kids stopped playing to look at him。 Our
landlord stepped out on the porch and bent himself double like a
carpenter's rule； and sung out； 〃Good…morning； Colonel；〃 when he was a
dozen yards gone by。
〃And is that Alexander； pa？〃 says Caligula to the landlord； 〃and why
is he called great？〃
〃That； gentlemen；〃 says the landlord； 〃is no less than Colonel Jackson
T。 Rockingham； the president of the Sunrise & Edenville Tap Railroad；
mayor of Mountain Valley； and chairman of the Perry County board of
immigration and public improvements。〃
〃Been away a good many years； hasn't he？〃 I asked。
〃No； sir； Colonel Rockingham is going down to the post…office for his
mail。 His fellow…citizens take pleasure in greeting him thus every
morning。 The colonel is our most prominent citizen。 Besides the height
of the stock of the Sunrise & Edenville Tap Railroad； he owns a
thousand acres of that land across the creek。 Mountain Valley
delights； sir； to honor a citizen of such worth and public spirit。〃
For an hour that afternoon Caligula sat on the back of his neck on the
porch and studied a newspaper； which was unusual in a man who despised
print。 When he was through he took me to the end of the porch among
the sunlight and drying dish…towels。 I knew that Caligula had invented
a new graft。 For he chewed the ends of his mustache and ran the left
catch of his suspenders up and down； which was his way。
〃What is it now？〃 I asks。 〃Just so it ain't floating mining stocks or
raising Pennsylvania pinks； we'll talk it over。〃
〃Pennsylvania pinks？ Oh； that refers to a coin…raising scheme of the
Keystoners。 They burn the soles of old women's feet to make them tell
where their money's hid。〃
Caligula's words in business was always few and bitter。
〃You see them mountains；〃 said he； pointing。 〃And you seen that
colonel man that owns railroads and cuts more ice when he goes to the
post…office than Roosevelt does when he cleans 'em out。 What we're
going to do is to kidnap the latter into the former； and inflict a
ransom of ten thousand dollars。〃
〃Illegality；〃 says I； shaking my head。
〃I knew you'd say that；〃 says Caligula。 〃At first sight it does seem
to jar peace and dignity。 But it don't。 I got the idea out of that
newspaper。 Would you commit aspersions on a equitable graft that the
United States itself has condoned and indorsed and ratified？〃
〃Kidnapping；〃 says I； 〃is an immoral function in the derogatory list
of the statutes。 If the United States upholds it； it must be a recent
enactment of ethics； along with race suicide and rural delivery。〃
〃Listen；〃 says Caligula； 〃and I'll explain the case set down in the
papers。 Here was a Greek citizen named Burdick Harris；〃 says he；
〃captured for a graft by Africans； and the United States sends two
gunboats to the State of Tangiers and makes the King of Morocco give
up seventy thousand dollars to Raisuli。〃
〃Go slow；〃 says I。 〃That sounds too international to take in all at
once。 It's like 'thimble； thimble； who's got the naturalization
papers？'〃
〃'Twas press despatches from Constantinople；〃 says Caligula。 〃You'll
see； six months from now。 They'll be confirmed by the monthly
magazines； and then it won't be long till you'll notice 'em alongside
the photos of the Mount Pelee eruption photos in the while…you…get…
your…hair…cut weeklies。 It's all right； Pick。 This African man Raisuli
hides Burdick Harris up in the mountains； and advertises his price to
the governments of different nations。 Now； you wouldn't think for a
minute；〃 goes on Caligula； 〃that John Hay would have chipped in and
helped this graft along if it wasn't a square game； would you？〃
〃Why； no；〃 says I。 〃I've always stood right in with Bryan's policies；
and I couldn't consciously say a word against the Republican
administration just now。 But if Harris was a Greek； on what system of
international protocols did Hay interfere？〃
〃It ain't exactly set forth in the papers；〃 says Caligula。 〃I suppose
it's a matter of sentiment。 You know he wrote this poem； 'Little
Breeches'； and them Greeks wear little or none。 But anyhow； John Hay
sends the Brooklyn and the Olympia over； and they cover Africa with
thirty…inch guns。 And then Hay cables after the health of the /persona
grata/。 'And how are they this morning？' he wires。 'Is Burdick Harris
alive yet； or Mr。 Raisuli dead？' And the King of Morocco sends up the
seventy thousand dollars； and they turn Burdick Harris loose。 And
there's not half the hard feelings among the nations about this little
kidnapping matter as there was about the peace congress。 And Burdick
Harris says to the reporters； in the Greek language； that he's often
heard about the United States； and he admires Roosevelt next to
Raisuli； who is one of the whitest and most gentlemanly kidnappers
that he ever worked alongside of。 So you see； Pick；〃 winds up
Caligula； 〃we've got the law of nations on our side。 We'll cut this
colonel man out of the herd； and corral him in them little mountains；
and stick up his heirs and assigns for ten thousand dollars。〃
〃Well； you seldom little red…headed territorial terror；〃 I answers；
〃you can't bluff your uncle Tecumseh Pickens！ I'll be your company in
this graft。 But I misdoubt if you've absorbed the inwardness of this
Burdick Harris case； Calig； and if on any morning we get a telegram
from the Secretary of State asking about the health of the scheme； I
propose to acquire the most propinquitous and celeritous mule in this
section and gallop diplomatically over into the neighboring and
peaceful nation of Alabama。〃
III
Me and Caligula spent the next three days investigating the bunch of
mountains into which we proposed to kidnap Colonel Jackson T。
Rockingham。 We finally selected an upright slice of topography covered
with bushes and trees that you could only reach by a secret path that
we cut out up the side of it。 And the only way to reach the mountain
was to follow up the bend of a branch that wound among the elevations。
Then I took in hand an important subdivision of the proceedings。 I
went up to Atlanta on the train and laid in a two…hundred…and…fifty…
dollar supply of the most gratifying and efficient lines of grub that
money could buy。 I always was an admirer of viands in their more
palliative and revised stages。 Hog and hominy are not only inartistic
to my stomach； but they give indigestion to my moral sentiments。 And I
thought of Colonel Jackson T。 Rockingham； president of the Sunrise &
Edenville Tap Railroad； and how he would miss the luxury of his home
fare as is so famous among wealthy Southerners。 So I sunk half of mine
and Caligula's capital in as elegant a layout of fresh and canned
provisions as Burdick Harris or any other professional kidnappee ever
saw in a camp。
I put another hundred in a couple of cases of Bordeaux； two quarts of
cognac； two hundred Havana regalias with gold bands； and a camp stove
and stools and folding cots。 I wanted Colonel Rockingham to be
comfortable； and I hoped after he gave up the ten thousand dollars he
would give me and Caligula as good a name for gentlemen and
entertainers as the Greek man did the friend of his that made the
United States his bill collector against Africa。
When the goods came down from Atlanta； we hired a wagon； moved them up
on the little mountain； and established camp。 And then we laid for the
colonel。
We caught him one morning about two miles out from Mountain Valley； on
his way to look after some of his burnt umber farm land。 He was an
elegant old gentleman； as thin and tall as a trout rod； with frazzled
shirt…cuffs and specs on a black string。 We explained to him； brief
and easy； what we wanted； and Caligula showed him； careless； the
handle of his forty…five under his coat。
〃What？〃 says Colonel Rockingham。 〃Bandits in Perry County； Georgia！ I
shall see that the board of immigration and public improvements hears
of this！〃
〃Be so unfoolhardy as to climb into that buggy；〃 says Caligula； 〃by
order of the board of perforation and public depravity。 This is a
business meeting； and we're anxious to adjourn /sine qua non/。〃
We drove Colonel Rockingham over the mountain and up the side of it as
far as the buggy could go。 Then we tied the horse； and took our
prisoner on foot up to the camp。
〃Now； colonel；〃 I says to him； 〃we're after the ransom； me and my
partner； and no harm will come to you if the King of Morif your
friends send up the dust。 In the mean time we are gentlemen the same
as you。 And if you give us your word not to try to escape； the freedom
of the camp is yours。〃
〃I give you my word；〃 says the colonel。
〃All right；〃 says I； 〃and now it's eleven o'clock； and me and Mr。 Polk
will proceed to inculcate the occasion with a few well…timed
trivialities in the way of grub。〃
〃Thank you；〃 says the colonel； 〃I believe I could relish a slice of
bacon and a plate of hominy。〃
〃But you won't；〃 says I emphatic。 〃Not in this camp。 We soar in higher
regions than them occupied by your celebrated but repulsive dish。〃
While the colonel read his paper； me and Caligula took off our coats
and went in for a little luncheon /de luxe/ just to show him。 Caligula
was a