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and went in for a little luncheon /de luxe/ just to show him。 Caligula
was a fine cook of the Western brand。 He could toast a buffalo or
fricassee a couple of steers as easy as a woman could make a cup of
tea。 He was gifted in the way of knocking together edibles when haste
and muscle and quantity was to be considered。 He held the record west
of the Arkansas River for frying pancakes with his left hand； broiling
venison cutlets with his right； and skinning a rabbit with his teeth
at the same time。 But I could do things /en casserole/ and /a la
creole/； and handle the oil and tobasco as gently and nicely as a
French /chef/。
So at twelve o'clock we had a hot lunch ready that looked like a
banquet on a Mississippi River steamboat。 We spread it on the tops of
two or three big boxes； opened two quarts of the red wine； set the
olives and a canned oyster cocktail and a ready…made Martini by the
colonel's plate； and called him to grub。
Colonel Rockingham drew up his campstool； wiped off his specs； and
looked at the things on the table。 Then I thought he was swearing； and
I felt mean because I hadn't taken more pains with the victuals。 But
he wasn't； he was asking a blessing； and me and Caligula hung our
heads； and I saw a tear drop from the colonel's eye into his cocktail。
I never saw a man eat with so much earnestness and applicationnot
hastily； like a grammarian； or one of the canal； but slow and
appreciative； like a anaconda； or a real /vive bonjour/。
In an hour and a half the colonel leaned back。 I brought him a pony of
brandy and his black coffee； and set the box of Havana regalias on the
table。
〃Gentlemen；〃 says he； blowing out the smoke and trying to breathe it
back again； 〃when we view the eternal hills and the smiling and
beneficent landscape； and reflect upon the goodness of the Creator
who〃
〃Excuse me； colonel；〃 says I； 〃but there's some business to attend to
now〃； and I brought out paper and pen and ink and laid 'em before him。
〃Who do you want to send to for the money？〃 I asks。
〃I reckon；〃 says he； after thinking a bit； 〃to the vice…president of
our railroad； at the general offices of the Company in Edenville。〃
〃How far is it to Edenville from here？〃 I asked。
〃About ten miles；〃 says he。
Then I dictated these lines； and Colonel Rockingham wrote them out：
I am kidnapped and held a prisoner by two desperate outlaws in a
place which is useless to attempt to find。 They demand ten
thousand dollars at once for my release。 The amount must be raised
immediately； and these directions followed。 Come alone with the
money to Stony Creek； which runs out of Blacktop Mountains。 Follow
the bed of the creek till you come to a big flat rock on the left
bank； on which is marked a cross in red chalk。 Stand on the rock
and wave a white flag。 A guide will come to you and conduct you to
where I am held。 Lose no time。
After the colonel had finished this； he asked permission to take on a
postscript about how he was being treated； so the railroad wouldn't
feel uneasy in its bosom about him。 We agreed to that。 He wrote down
that he had just had lunch with the two desperate ruffians； and then
he set down the whole bill of fare； from cocktails to coffee。 He wound
up with the remark that dinner would be ready about six； and would
probably be a more licentious and intemperate affair than lunch。
Me and Caligula read it； and decided to let it go； for we； being
cooks； were amenable to praise； though it sounded out of place on a
sight draft for ten thousand dollars。
I took the letter over to the Mountain Valley road and watched for a
messenger。 By and by a colored equestrian came along on horseback；
riding toward Edenville。 I gave him a dollar to take the letter to the
railroad offices； and then I went back to camp。
IV
About four o'clock in the afternoon； Caligula； who was acting as
lookout； calls to me：
〃I have to report a white shirt signalling on the starboard bow； sir。〃
I went down the mountain and brought back a fat； red man in an alpaca
coat and no collar。
〃Gentlemen；〃 says Colonel Rockingham； 〃allow me to introduce my
brother； Captain Duval C。 Rockingham； vice…president of the Sunrise &
Edenville Tap Railroad。〃
〃Otherwise the King of Morocco；〃 says I。 〃I reckon you don't mind my
counting the ransom； just as a business formality。〃
〃Well； no； not exactly；〃 says the fat man； 〃not when it comes。 I
turned that matter over to our second vice…president。 I was anxious
after Brother Jackson's safetiness。 I reckon he'll be along right
soon。 What does that lobster salad you mentioned taste like； Brother
Jackson？〃
〃Mr。 Vice…President；〃 says I； 〃you'll oblige us by remaining here till
the second V。P。 arrives。 This is a private rehearsal； and we don't
want any roadside speculators selling tickets。〃
In half an hour Caligula sings out again：
〃Sail ho！ Looks like an apron on a broomstick。〃
I perambulated down the cliff again； and escorted up a man six foot
three； with a sandy beard and no other dimension that you could
notice。 Thinks I to myself； if he's got ten thousand dollars on his
person it's in one bill and folded lengthwise。
〃Mr。 Patterson G。 Coble； our second vice…president；〃 announces the
colonel。
〃Glad to know you； gentlemen；〃 says this Coble。 〃I came up to
disseminate the tidings that Major Tallahassee Tucker； our general
passenger agent； is now negotiating a peachcrate full of our railroad
bonds with the Perry County Bank for a loan。 My dear Colonel
Rockingham； was that chicken gumbo or cracked goobers on the bill of
fare in your note？ Me and the conductor of fifty…six was having a
dispute about it。〃
〃Another white wings on the rocks！〃 hollers Caligula。 〃If I see any
more I'll fire on 'em and swear they was torpedo…boats！〃
The guide goes down again； and convoys into the lair a person in blue
overalls carrying an amount of inebriety and a lantern。 I am so sure
that this is Major Tucker that I don't even ask him until we are up
above； and then I discover that it is Uncle Timothy； the yard
switchman at Edenville； who is sent ahead to flag our understandings
with the gossip that Judge Pendergast； the railroad's attorney； is in
the process of mortgaging Colonel Rockingham's farming lands to make
up the ransom。
While he is talking； two men crawl from under the bushes into camp；
and Caligula； with no white flag to disinter him from his plain duty；
draws his gun。 But again Colonel Rockingham intervenes and introduces
Mr。 Jones and Mr。 Batts； engineer and fireman of train number forty…
two。
〃Excuse us；〃 says Batts； 〃but me and Jim have hunted squirrels all
over this mounting； and we don't need no white flag。 Was that
straight； colonel； about the plum pudding and pineapples and real
store cigars？〃
〃Towel on a fishing…pole in the offing！〃 howls Caligula。 〃Suppose it's
the firing line of the freight conductors and brakeman。〃
〃My last trip down；〃 says I； wiping off my face。 〃If the S。 & E。T。
wants to run an excursion up here just because we kidnapped their
president； let 'em。 We'll put out our sign。 'The Kidnapper's Cafe and
Trainmen's Home。'〃
This time I caught Major Tallahassee Tucker by his own confession； and
I felt easier。 I asked him into the creek； so I could drown him if he
happened to be a track…walker or caboose porter。 All the way up the
mountain he driveled to me about asparagus on toast； a thing that his
intelligence in life had skipped。
Up above I got his mind segregated from food and asked if he had
raised the ransom。
〃My dear sir；〃 says he； 〃I succeeded in negotiating a loan on thirty
thousand dollars' worth of the bonds of our railroad； and〃
〃Never mind just now； major；〃 says I。 〃It's all right； then。 Wait till
after dinner； and we'll settle the business。 All of you gentlemen；〃 I
continues to the crowd； 〃are invited to stay to dinner。 We have
mutually trusted one another； and the white flag is supposed to wave
over the proceedings。〃
〃The correct idea；〃 says Caligula； who was standing by me。 〃Two
baggage…masters and a ticket…agent dropped out of a tree while you was
below the last time。 Did the major man bring the money？〃
〃He says；〃 I answered； 〃that he succeeded in negotiating the loan。〃
If any cooks ever earned ten thousand dollars in twelve hours； me and
Caligula did that day。 At six o'clock we spread the top of the
mountain with as fine a dinner as the personnel of any railroad ever
engulfed。 We opened all the wine； and we concocted entrees and /pieces
de resistance/； and stirred up little savory /chef de cuisines/ and
organized a mass of grub such as has been seldom instigated out of
canned and bottled goods。 The railroad gathered around it； and the
wassail and diversions was intense。
After the feast me and Caligula； in the line of business； takes Major
Tucker to one side and talks ransom。 The major pulls out an
agglomeration of currency about the size of the price of a town lot in
the suburbs of Rabbitville； Arizona； and makes this outcry。
〃Gentlemen；〃 says he； 〃the stock of the Sunrise & Edenville railroad
has depreciated some。 The best I could do with thirty thousand
dollars' worth of the bonds was to sec